| Subject: Re: Relationships -a question for Heather |
Author:
Heather
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Date Posted: 07/13/06 11:56pm
In reply to:
luka
's message, "Relationships -a question for Heather" on 07/12/06 6:03pm
Hi Luka,
Well of course the few answers I have to anything are never the ones that I need to figure anything out at the moment (!) but thanks for vote of confidence.
It's really just God's instructions on things for those who are willing to listen, and it makes sense being the One that created us and all things that He'd know the big picture of wisdom that we only see dimly in parts. It reminds me of the Bible saying that God actually knows us better than we know ourselves.
That's a strangely comforting thought for me. I've seen the job that I do when steering my own ship 'the way that seems right at the time' and I'm not terribly impressed. I can only thank God for his grace and kindness to me, still.
On that note and in dealing with sexuality, I steered that ship woefully off course many times in my life before becoming a Christian and before marriage. Providentially, dealing with an unplanned pregnancy was not one of the particular trials I was faced with (I had many others to take it's place, and still do!) but that's only because of how God chose to work things out, not because of any wisdom or prudence on my end.
I was not born in a Christian home and had no reason that I was aware of to question the norm of sexual activity among teens. After some years into it, though, I did notice some things. I didn't desire lust so much as I desired to be lusted after (to be found beautiful and desirable,) and I didn't desire sex so much as I desired the satisfaction of knowing that a man would have cause to think me special and very valuable now because I'd afforded this experience (and you know it never quite worked out that way! I was completely without understanding of the 'diminishing returns' that personifies lust.
Lust as the world lives in it and sex as God created it to be are not at all the same thing, and God's original is far superior with the world's lust being only a pale and weak imitation of the real thing.
As far as your specific questions, I think if it seems to you that the idea of waiting to keep sex as a treasure within a committed marriage is almost unheard of by people then you might check first which people you're referring to.
I know when I was in high school and college I'd have likely said the same as it was just sort of what you did when you were dating someone.
But since God picked me up off the dirt, broken and hopeless in more ways than one, and gave me the grace to see Him for the first time and have faith, it now seems 'the norm' of those around me to delight in sex as something saved for marriage, and this has been the case for many years now, so it seems odd to me to be reminded that this is not the norm for many people.
In considering that, I think it has mostly to do with whether or not a person believes in God firstly, and secondly whether or not the Bible accurately contains His instructions to us. And thirdly whether or not one believes that God is benevolent and consequently His instructions, meaning that if He is there and one of His instruction regarding sexual intimacy is to keep it within the intimacy of marriage, that this directive is given for reasons that are supremely good, and not as 'mere rules.'
So it likely has a lot to do with whether or not you're going to surround yourself with people who believe in God, embrace His instructions, and believe He is benevolent.
If, hypothetically, you are interested in a man who will be willing to be with Luka for just who Luka is herself, not what sexual experience you can give him and who will cherish and respect you enough to consider sexual intimacy with you not something he has a right to without first taking all of you, for better or for worse, in marriage, then your best bet would be to specifically look for those men who do love God, and consequently seek to honor Him and others.
And it would go without saying that your ability/desire to keep sex for marriage would stem from likewise convictions, which is something that may lead to a whole separate catagory of contemplation on your end regarding faith. God uses all sorts of life experiences, especially the ones that effect us deeply, to draw us to Him. I could write novels on the providential and tender ways He drew me while I was completely content to believe that there was no God.
The same God who created the purity and beauty we see in nature is the One who also created sex. It was designed to be something totally of God, for the pleasure of a man and wife. For offspring, but also for enjoyment. Simple, guiltless enjoyment of each other.
I had a lot of deprogramming to do before I could even wrap myself around that concept as I had probably about as much baggage and wounding from sexual experiences outside of marriage as you do. But this may be the route that He's calling you down - to be made new and be restored and begin to see sex as a blessing from Him that comes with specific instructions.
Sex as God designed it is just awesome. It's something totally different from random sex in the world. It's all of the good (sensations, feeling desirable, etc) and none of the bad (picking up the pieces of feeling used afterwards, the realization that maybe the person never actually loved you at all, etc.)
There's a bonding in sex that is purposely meant to go much deeper than a simple physical experience shared together. The Bible talks a lot about it in the way that in makes a man and a woman 'one' and not to tear that apart or join to another, etc.
Some of your thwarted feelings about sex and men might be from instincts instilled in you by God to know that in sexual intimacy a man should be being intimate with all of you, emotionally, spiritually, everything you are as his wife, not just having sex with your body or playing a charade.
So anyway, you know by now that to ask me any question of importance will result in novels of response as my lifetime quest for brevity is not yet forthcoming, but the summary of my thoughts about your questions is that if you are interested in meeting and respecting a man who will respect and cherish you and your body enough to commit to you as a husband before being sexually intimate with you, you might try looking into the places where such men are to be found. Church is the first place I'd consider, though I'd caution against going to church just to look for decent men. In the gospel of Matthew it says, "seek first the kingdom of God, and everything else will be added to you." Godly husbands and wives are a byproduct of a sincere love for and faith in God Himself, but they aren't the end in itself.
There might be some random men out there who aren't Christians that will be willing to wait until marriage for sex but they'll likely be few and far between (hence the impression you currently have.) The reason for this, I think, is that apart from a belief in God and desire to look at a bigger picture in life than just what's in front of us there's really not much compelling reason NOT to have sex before marriage.
There's AIDS and STD's and unplanned pregnancies of course, but in essence without God guiding things we just sort of go with what 'feels right' at the time and it often feels right to have sex with someone ------- at the time. Especially when they seem so interested in you and it would so rude to let them down! It feels good, how can it be wrong? Only if there's something greater than what feels good at the moment that is truth.
I remember being powerfully effected the first time I read the scripture from Proverbs in the Bible: "There is a way that seems right to a man, that in the end leads to death."
This is sobering but true. Our feelings are wonderful but they don't make good guides for our lives.
As far as the specifics of dating itself, that's sort of 'phase II' to be addressed after addressing the first dilemma of how to find a man that's actually interested in keeping sex for marriage, lol. But there's a lot of interesting and helpful stuff on that topic, (how to stay committed to purity while dating) including some great books, too.
I'll post more later if I think of any other misc. thoughts on the subject, and I'd be interested to hear more of your thoughts. It's a great discussion to bring here, something we're all effected by one way or another. Thanks for being open and addressing it.
Love,
Heather
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