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Subject: Re: Crisis pregnancy Domestic Violence Author: luka [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 07/17/06 11:16pm In reply to: jackie 's message, "Re: Crisis pregnancy Domestic Violence" on 07/16/06 11:13am I'm really happy for you to hear that you're going to keep your baby. The father sounds scary! I hope and pray you stay well clear of him. If you wanted him out of your life for good you could even tell him that you had a miscarriage or a termination move away and then have an violence order against him preventing him from comming near you. At least that way you are safer and if he thinks you're not pregnant any more he won't have that thought in his mind to think that he has some sort of ownership over you. Not that he does, but i know how men like this work and he will think he owns you because of the pregnancy. That is if he doesn't allready. The thought of a man using his power and strength to physically hurt you or any woman makes me sick to my stomach much less when you are pregnant. Thats not why a man is built to be stronger than a woman! He is stronger so that he is ready and able to 'protect' her! Be strong for your baby. He or she is so innocent to all of this, i shudder to think what might happen if this man is let anywhere near him or her let alone you. [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[> [> [> [> Subject: Re: Crisis pregnancy Domestic Violence Author: Jackie [Edit] Date Posted: 07/18/06 5:59pm Hey all...Like an idiot I ended up talking to the father last night and even ended up meeting with him. Funny how Luka said that that about the ownership thing. He asked me if I was only talking to him because of the baby..he also said would I still be with him if I misscarried? We did talk and of course he was very apoligetic and the tears were running because my eyes are still black and blue...honeymoon period. He was so excited about the baby and talked alot about the future..I am so confused. I went to a support group and counseling session last week and gave him the number because they have a mens group and he did make an appt. to get started. HE has in the past started counseling once and quit after 2 sessions, now he is saying he will do it and change! Fairy tale story that this could work out, that is what my heart is saying...but my brain is telling me that it is not a good idea. I dont want to go through another pregnancy alone...his touch felt great last night I needed the hugs and kisses. It felt so good...I just dont know what to do. I think writing all of this down is good for me thanks for listening.

[> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: Crisis pregnancy Domestic Violence Author: Jacqueline [Edit] Date Posted: 07/19/06 4:03am Im sorry if i sound mean...and im not attacking you..but you need to hear this!! STAY AWAY FROM THIS MAN!!! Any man who can put his hand to a woman because he is stronger then her there is no excuse he doesnt deserve anything from you. The first time a man hits you its his fault the second time its your fault because you are asking for it and no matter how much couseling he gets he will never stop the abuse. If you let him back in your life he will abuse you physically and emotionally for the rest of your life. He may even hurt your children..and the stress that you are letting him to cause you now by talking to him could even cause you to miscarry your unborn child. By allowing him back in your life you are putting your needs before the needs of your children ..you need to be kissed and hugged and need to feel loved for, pick up your daughter and kiss her and hug her..that my friend is real unconditionl love, and thats all the love you need. He doesnt love you he doesnt even know what love is..hes not sorry..there is no excuse NO EXCUSE for him to hurt you...to take his hand put it in a fist and hit you so hard that you have nerve damage...you actually hugged this evil person??? dont let him near you...dont take his calls please...this never happen to me but ive seen it happen to others. No Matter how much therapy he has never be with this man. He doesnt deserve you...and you make it to easy by going to visit him. If it was just you and you really wanted to be with this man, then go ahead. But you have kids involved..how do you think it will affect their lives seeing him hit you and abuse you..maybe even hurt them. Imagine you have a son in your womb and he comes back and you raise the baby together and you think its going to be a fairytale...and this little boy grows up thinking that hitting and abusing a woman is normal do you want that?? or your daughter do you want her to never trust a man?? STOP THE CYCLE PLEASE!! while they are young! i agree with what someone else said tell him you had a misscarriage and move away and raise your children without him...its best for you but number 1 its best for the little ones. I hope i dont sound like im attacking you..but someone has to say it. I only say this because i care..please dont let this man hurt you or your children any longer..

[> [> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: Crisis pregnancy Domestic Violence Author: Heather [Edit] Date Posted: 07/19/06 12:37pm Well stated, Jacqueline. I completely agree. And would clarify that no one, not even the most wretched are beyond the grace of God (you should read the history of John Newton, the man who eventually came to write the famous hymn 'Amazing Grace.' But it would be sheer folly for you to surrender proper stewardship of your life and the lives of the little ones now dependent on you. I agree with the selfishness of risking their well-being on a gamble of whether or not he'll change that doesn't hold good odds. I also agree you deserve much better. You are made in the image of God, are beautiful and of incredible worth, and should respect the life God has given you and terminate all ties, immediately. You don't even need to have a reason to give him. It's enough to simply move on and tell him you're doing so. No answering phone calls, no communication, and a restraining order if needed. You've been through enough. Let yourself heal emotionally and physically and recapture freedom in life. You may or may not eventually meet a man who will treasure you as you deserve, but regardless you're already far better off out from the controlling and manipulative grasp of an abuser. Don't be fooled by the honeymoon stage. To do so will be to sign the rest of your life over to being a mere character in the cycles of his life. Take good care of yourself. Rest, eat well, take your prenatal vitamins, get out for walks to enjoy the fresh air. You are respected and cared for here by the women on this forum, and we'll be praying for you, and your precious little ones, too. With Kindness, Heather

[> [> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: Crisis pregnancy Domestic Violence Author: jackie [Edit] Date Posted: 07/19/06 5:48pm Hey all...I completely understand why you have all said what you said..but for some reason I am just not listening to reason. Well I wanted to let you all know that I did start bleeding today...so far not heavy..but I am sure that I am losing the baby. I have a appointment with the doctor tomorrow morning so I will know then. I suppose the assault and the stress took the life of this baby..but at least I am not the one that made that decision..God did. He may be doing it to punish me or save the child from a bad life I am not sure. I want to thank all of you now I will let you all know tomorrow.

[> [> [> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: Crisis pregnancy Domestic Violence Author: Heather [Edit] Date Posted: 07/21/06 1:15pm Hi Jackie, You've been on my mind today so I thought I would just say hello if you're still reading the forum. How are you? With Kindness, Heather

[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: Crisis pregnancy Domestic Violence Author: Jackie [Edit] Date Posted: 07/22/06 12:25pm Just a quick note to all....I am exhausted. I went to the doc Thurday because of the bleeding and Friday she called and said I still show pregnant! I did bleed quite a bit on Thursday and Friday it did stop. I never really had any cramping..so that might be good. I took a pregnancy test this am and it did show positive. So I am not really sure if I am or not!? I go back to the doc on Tuesday...because I dont have insurance I go to a clinic and they dont have ultrasound....that would help alot if I could have one. Anyway I have been seeing the father...but trying to distance myself too. Let ya know what happens soon. Thanks

[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: Crisis pregnancy Domestic Violence Author: luka [Edit] Date Posted: 07/23/06 2:35am I bled too quite early on at about 5 and a half weeks. I thought for sure that i was losing my baby. I had what was called a subchorionic bleed. Itis a bleed comming from the chorion which is what grows into the placenta. So yes you can bleed and the baby can be fine as mine was :) I hope your baby is ok too. My babys father is abusive but not physically. And i saw him today myself. I totally understand the need to feel that he loves you, wants you and cares for you. I have been tempted many times to beleive that very thing which is kind of how i became pregnant in the first place. But you're on a merry go round if you think that this time he's going to be different. Sigh.. he's not. Neither is my babys father. It kills me when i have to see him and sometimes he talks nicely to me i am tempted to hold out hope that he could really love me. But he doesn't. It's insane for me to think otherwise. I didn't need him to hit me to prove that he doesn't love me but i assure you if he did once would have been more than enough. I forgave his lies, the hurtful words and inconsistences (hot and cold) and lack of remorse over and over. And each time i went back i would get slammed with it all again. I just got to the point where i was sick of being hurt and feeling a fool. It takes a long time to accept the fact that the man you loved doesn't love you..I mean it may be 'his' idea of love but it is certainly NOT love. I am still comming to terms with the awful reality. The sooner you do break it off the sooner you can move forward and learn to expect respect and to be treated like a lady. If you don't you'll allways be abused by someone if not him someone else. I've been there too. Thinking someone else may be the answer but he ended up being even worse and scarier. Part of the problem is how we have learnt one way or another to accept such treatment making it easy for men like this to abuse us. The alternative to leaving and getting your self esteem back is living in this derranged reality, this abusive black whole for the rest of your life and dragging your children through it as well. In your case you are risking your life also. Not stuff to be gambling with especially when you have children who need their mother. I pray that you see the light with regard to your boyfriend and i hope to hear some good news about your growing little one soon :)

[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: Crisis pregnancy Domestic Violence Author: Jackie [Edit] Date Posted: 07/23/06 7:33pm Hi Luka, I am not sure if it is appropriate...but like how much did you bleed? Wednesday here spotting....Thursday medium to heavy and all weekend spotting. I am about 5-6 weeks also. I just cant wait to find out if I am going to have a baby or not..so anxious. I was with the father this weekend went there after work he made me steak and gave me a gift card for a pedicure, and flowers. My birthday was on Friday. Everything went great until this AM when there was a door bell and it was the police...apparently his ex wife called on us..there is a Order of Protection....we ignored it and I left later on. We ended up meeting up in another area and window shopped and ate lunch. We talked about the baby and he really wants it. It was a nice weekend and this week BOTH of us are going to our counseling appointments through the same place...I know it may not work...but I am going to try one more time! So for this week we really cant see eachother because of the order..but the order is up next Monday and if I dont show they will not extend it. But the other charges for the beating are coming, which are felonies, so I could still lose him to prison. But at least if this baby is born I can tell him I tried!

[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: Crisis pregnancy Domestic Violence Author: luka [Edit] Date Posted: 07/24/06 3:46pm I didn't bleed a whole heap it was only spotting but it was bright to start with about a desert spoon full. Then i had a few small clots. Then it was more spotting on and off for a couple of weeks. But the spotting was light red then pink then orange /brown. Then a couple of days later i might see some more of the pink. It was such a worrying time. I can really sympathise with you on that. An ultrasound would be very helpful at this point you should be able to see a heartbeat if not now then in the next week and thats a very reasurring sign that all is and will most likely be well. I understand your wanting to try again with your boyfriend totally. If my babys father came around tomorrow and was like this a big part of me would be thrilled but i doubt i would trust it. I would be wondering why now? Why not before? Why not when i told you about the baby? Why did you lie, cheat, call me names ect? It's horrible to be pregnant and think that the man who helped you make your baby doesn't care for you. In some ways i wish he had hit me then it would be more clear cut. My babys father is still trying to pretend he did care about me to some degree and that i have it wrong somehow. -No i don't, not at all. If you can't stop yourself from going back to this man then you may have some learning stil to do i guess. I hope he changes maybe he will be one the few who do. I don't know.. But what if he hits you again? Then what? Will that be enough for you? I hope so. good luck :)

[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: Crisis pregnancy Domestic Violence Author: Jackie [Edit] Date Posted: 07/25/06 6:20pm Thank you Luka for your reply. As for the baby...I dont know what is going on. My HCG level at the emergency room was 16 and a week later was only 30...from what I understand this is not good and I am guessing the baby died a few days after the beating. I did have my blood drawn again today and I find out the results tomorrow...so by some miricale of God...maybe the baby is still here, have not bled since Thursday...just some very light spotting. I know feel so very bad because I was contemplating abortion...and now I want this baby more than anything! About the boyfriend...please dont ever wish you were hit...my boyfriend was emotionally abusing me at first...very BADLY...and it ended up being physical. Honestly if you talked to me a year ago I will guarantee that I would never have put up with the physical abuse....but because I put up with the other abuse this is where I am at now. He is very upset I will probably lose this baby and he "says" he wants to try again. I cant do that...I was on the pill when I got pregnat...and I am going on it again until he can prove to me that he can keep his hands off. I will let you all know tomorrow if I am or not and say my good byes if I have to.

[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: Crisis pregnancy Domestic Violence Author: luka [Edit] Date Posted: 07/26/06 8:25pm Ok those levels don't sound promising but the fact that they are still rising can mean it's all ok. I know when i had my bleed that my levels didn't rise by much around the time of the bleed but then a had a big jump in numbers 3 days after the bleeding stopped.. I don't know how you're managing to stay so calm in all of this. I would be SO angry at him (your boyfriend) if i were in your shoes. He wanted the baby yes but the consequences of his actions have possibly caused you to loose your child. I mean he's all lovey dovey when he finds out you were pregnant but that didn't stop him form beating you to the point of nerve damage and causing you to loose your precious child. Does he understand what he has done here ?? I really hope your little one is ok. Take care and let us all know how you get on.

[> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: Crisis pregnancy Domestic Violence Author: Melanie [Edit] Date Posted: 07/19/06 11:59am Hi Jackie, It's good that he was apologetic and that he is seeking counseling. However, it is not a good idea for you to keep seeing him at all. I was with someone for a while who could be abusive... fortunately he never nit me (I heard he bit an ex girlfriend, though) - he just put his fists through walls. He could be the absolute sweetest man when he wasn't being abusive. IT doesn't make up for it, and it is part of the cycle. I know you need the affection part... most of us do, but it won't stop there. Also, sometimes there is an "interplay" between the abuser and the abused where one triggers the other. Even if he gets help, the two of you together will more than likely lead to a falling into old patterns. You said that he lied to you in the beginning. Trust is a very important part of a relationship and I can see that it has already been seriously violated. He is not the only one out there. Be patient and wait. I know you have feelings for him. I know he is only a "monster" part of the time, but the next time you might not survive. It's not good for him either because he is already facing jail time for the first battery charge. There is nothing positive that is likely to come from this. Unfortunately, fairy tales are very, very rare in this situation. Do talk to the women at the center if you feel you need him. They can help you resist the urge. Chances are excellent that he is being manipulative. He may or may not even realize just how manipulative he's being, but that won't help you at all. Hang in there and please, please, please, don't continue your relationship with him. Is there a restraining order against him? If not, talk to the center about getting one. Read the first message you wrote here. Maybe it will strengthen your resolve. I know this is hard to hear. I know you care about him... it just isn't enough by itself.