| Subject: Re: showing |
Author:
luka
| [ Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
Date Posted: 07/23/06 1:40am
In reply to:
Sharon
's message, "Re: showing" on 07/22/06 3:51pm
The father gets out of it by getting cash in hand work. It's hard to feel attractive most of the time. I have been on my own for so long now my life is all about my children and i have no adult company. I think i stopped feeling like a woman a while ago and more like utility. I get the feeling subconsioulsy (by society) that it can't be about me anymore. I have children it's about them and their interests and them feeling pretty or whatever.I don't have the time or money or energy most of the time to try to make myself look better they way i used to (ie going to have my hair done haveing facials like before i had children). Even stangers call me mum lol nobody asks me how i am and means it. I'm just mum you know? I feel depressed sometimes because i watch the childrens father so interested in them when he see's them and then he his able to walk out the door right past me and it hurts. I wish someone was interested in me. I love my children and i am not complaining i adore being a mother. It's just hard to feel so unimportant to any one adult much less to the man who's child i am carrying again. Knowing how 'happy' he is about the other womans child and how he wrote her poetry about how happy he is about their baby. I feel stupid for believing he really loved me and all the other BS. I don't deserve his treatment i know this. I am not offered any other kind of treatment anywhere expecpt from counsellors ect. The ill treatment or casual disregard doesn't just come from him. My family which is only really my mum well i have issues with. Shes happy about the baby ect. But she doesn't count as support since if i am outwardly worried or sad she doesn't try to comfort me and most of the time it annoys her which makes me feel doubly bad. My mum likes to stay in her little bubble of delusion that everything is rosy. My ever being unhappy contradicts that. It's complicated my relationship with her. My grandmother is happy about the baby but skims over things every time i try to confide in her, shes only interested in the good news. I never see my father , he was abusive. I was abused as a child also by someone else for years, my mother had a hunch that it was happening, i know she did and let it happen. There are alot of issues that have never been resolved there. Every man i have ever been with has abused me plus some women who were meant to be my friends. From where i am standing after all that i have been though i don't quite know who to trust anymore. I find myself just coping most days. I do my best i really do. I go along and most of the time i have too much to do to sit around and wallow in self pity. But occassionally how alone i am hits it me and it feels rotten. I do my best and when i fall down in despair on days like today the only people i have to turn to are relative strangers. I have a counsellor i see once a week and sometimes call counsellors on telephone lines if it's after hours. Or i come on here lately. But theres nobody in my life who is permanent who knows me and loves me for me to turn to or to just hug me and say it's ok. I am strong..because i have to be.
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
] |
|
