| Subject: Re: showing |
Author:
luka
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Date Posted: 07/23/06 2:18pm
In reply to:
Heather
's message, "Re: showing" on 07/22/06 10:14pm
Thanks for your kind words Heather and Sharon. I hope i don't sound like i am winging too much. I know that i have alot to be greatful for also. I am very happy to be having my baby. It's not the pregnancy, it's just that my being pregnant and more vulnerable seems to bring into sharper focus my lack of support and care. Even though i know it's not fair and that i deserve better it still makes me feel a little worthless. I can't help but feel that way to the world in general when i have no one. Not ness a man/boyfriend just no one really. How can i feel any other way. I am thinking well cause and effect being what it is then if i was a good person deserving of better why am i so often in abusive situations? Why am i alone? Why are my family dynamics far from what they should be? Why does the father of my baby blame me for my pregnancy as if the baby is a bad thing. I understand he doesn't want two children at once. But i had no idea he was actually 'trying' to have a baby with someone else while being with me. I was under the impression that they were no longer together because thats what he told me.I was not privy to that information, had i been i wouldn't have let him get close enough to me to make pregnancy a possibilty. He seems to think that he has no responsibilty here because he was being careful..Oh except for the last 2 times we were intimate of course. Don't know how thats my fault exactly since i wasn't even aware that he wasn't going to pull out untill he didn't. Plus i had the whole mid cycle bleeding/cramping problem lasting the whole second half of my cycle that was being investigated at the time.(Sorry graphic). Granted the last time we were together i was allready pregnant but he wasn't aware of that at that time and he didn't seem too concerned then either. The time that actually got me pregnant i wasn't even interested really it was all his initiation which was far from romantic, being pulled into my bathroom and had sex with over a toliet seat. It lasted all of 3 minutes and then he left with my children for the weekend. I wish i had never been foolish enough to let him use me in this way and actually believe it had anything to do with love. Because in hindsight it's not difficult to peice together. Nobody forced him to have sex with me, and niether did i force him to tell me he loved me and wanted to be with me and numerous other things that i wanted and needed to hear at the time to make him more able to have sex with me. I know it's useless to rehash the facts about the babys father. It's not going to change how he is or the situation. We talked today and he is still making excuses for his behavoiur. Some of the things i said he had no answer to and the rest he tried to justify. He asked me about the baby and 'was everything ok?' I said, "like you care!" "If it were up to you the baby would be in a medical waste bin by now!" then he mumbled something about "oh see now i'm the bad guy"- as if somehow my having an abortion is a reasonable request under the circumstances. - "Well yes you are the bad guy!", i thought, "deal with it!" I told him that i can allready see from the sonogram that this baby has his nose. I guess that was my way of trying to help him realise that this baby is real. I said "it's a little person!". He said to me and how far along is this little person? So i told him. I also showed him the sonogram pictures. He asked me when the baby would be due and why i referred to the baby as a he and i said i didn't know, i don't know what the sex is and would likely wait untill it's born to find out. I just say he for some reason it's what comes out of my mouth when i speak of him. I told him the due date and that i had an excellent doctor. I told him everything about the baby. I felt foolish for telling him everything, i don't think he deserves to know in some ways. I think that because of the way i am i am either open with a person or closed. I just gave him all this information i make everything so easy for him. I am being civil with him even when i know how he thinks of me. I should be keeping him as far away from me as possible. And yet..I STILL feel sad that he doesn't love me even though he is no good for me. Even though i know i shouldn't (and will not) be with him anyway. It's crazy and confusing all the same to be having those feelings. I bit my tounge mostly on what i thought of him. The only thing i really said was that i knew he felt little for me and that he should have been honest with me about what his plans were BEFORE he slept with me and of course dispenced with the lies. I also said that he hurt me and i couldn't belive that he was more interested in justifying and defending himself than admitting he had done the wrong thing, which only adds insult to injury. That disgusts me. I don't believe you can be a good person if you're not even willing to admit your mistakes and try to learn from them. He just tries to blame me. I said i knew how he really is know and i have accepted his limitations. I don't like them but i know where i stand now~ no thanks to him. He continued to try to tell me that i had it wrong! Where does it end? All the BS??
I had a dream last night that the baby was a girl. And that i had the baby and the nurse handed me an Indian looking child that was clearly not my child. Most of the nurses just laughed at me when i told them. One nurse finally came around and helped me find my child. When we found her the baby was crawling allready, not only that but she was crawling away from me! She wouldn't come to me when i called her. It was an odd dream. When i woke up i felt disturbed by it.
Anyway... I just don't like feeling so painted into a corner. I want to know how to feel empowered and not so helpless and inadequate. I feel so isolated but also i feel like i don't want to let any new people into my heart or to have to have to trial the whole trust issue once again. I wish i was in America sometimes.
I say again. The baby is so lovely. I just wish i didn't have to walk through it all alone. I wish i had someone to come with me to the sonograms and be excited. Someone to hold my hand when i am going under the general anesthetic to have my baby. You know stuff like that.
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