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Friday, March 29, 6:50:53Login ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 12345678[9]10 ]
Subject: need some advice


Author:
shelby (scared)
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Date Posted: 08/ 7/06 10:45am

Hi my names shelby and i just turned 14 this last may and im 8 weeks pregnant. I was raped in july and i never told anyone or thought about it i just left it at what happened until i ended up pregnant. I'm still scared to tell anyone or even get it dealt with. i just want it to disapear and leave me alone but i know that wont happen. But im just to young to be having a kid im still a kid myself..email me at rodeo3113@aol.com or IM if u have aol i just need some advice


shelby

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Replies:
[> Subject: Re: need some advice


Author:
Pat
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Date Posted: 08/ 7/06 1:04pm

Hi, Shelby,

I am glad you came. You do present some difficult circumstances. I am very sorry this happened to you. I wish I could give you a hug.

I have known three women who became pregnant from rape. Let me tell you about each one. The first one is a longtime friend of mine. She had the baby and kept him. She now has eight children. Of her children, the one she is closest to is the one she conceived from rape. She is doing splendidly. The second one was about your age. She was gang raped. She is somewhat chubby, so she concealed her pregnancy from her parents until she was seven months along because she didn't want an abortion. When she had the baby, she and her parents raised him until she was old enough to take care of him by herself. She is now happily married. The third one was a family member. She was also about your age when she was raped. She had an abortion. It tore her world apart. She has been in and out of mental hospitals ever since. She is really incapable of having any kind of intimate relationship; it destroyed her marriage (to our son, who stood faithfully by her for several years, but she refused to stop the self-destructive behavior).

Based on my personal knowledge, I'd say, absolutely do not have an abortion! It will only compound your problem. I have read a book which was all about women who became pregnant from rape. It said that most women who are raped don't want an abortion; in fact, 72% of the women carry to term, in spite of the intense pressure we put on rape victims with our expectations that they will have an abortion. Most of the women saw carrying the baby as good triumphing over evil. They were violated, and violence was committed against them, but they would not commit violence against their child.

This is your child as well as your rapist's child. Your baby is now fully formed, and even has fingerprints. S/he also is showing personality through how s/he moves and behaves. Your baby is depending on you for your protection. Please protect your baby. Your baby doesn't deserve to die for the crime of her father.

Some women who are raped do not want to be reminded of their rapist, and they think that they will be reminded every time they look at their baby. While I think that most people would see the baby as an individual, I also respect those feelings. The women who feel that way choose adoption. Other women think of their baby as an individual, and can separate the baby from the rapist in their minds. They usually keep and raise their baby. This is a choice you will be making at some point, and whichever of the two you choose is a perfectly good solution out of a horrible circumstance. But it would be very self-destructive for you to decide on abortion.

Obviously, your parents will need to know. So here is what I suggest. Go to a crisis pregnancy agency. Tell them everything you can. They will help you tell your parents, and they will also help persuade them not to pressure you into an abortion. They will help you with your needs and counsel you with your feelings. Do NOT go to a rape crisis center. They do not know how to handle this type of situation. That's what my family member did, and it was a disaster. Do not go to an agency that does abortions. They will just pressure you unbearably and tell you all the reasons you should destroy your baby. Go to an agency that is life-affirming that will counsel you well. Here is a good list of places: www.pregnancycenters.org/. They also offer online counseling. Once your family knows and has accepted your decision (which will require some struggle and emotional issues), then they will almost certainly support you. Once the baby is born, a DNA test will help prove who the father is. Do you know the father, or know who he is? For the sake of yourself and other rape victims and potential rape victims, seek to press charges. Please. Maybe you won't be able to do this emotionally, but do it if you possibly can. Even if you were with him voluntarily, your "NO" should mean NO. If you have an abortion, you will destroy the evidence. We won't stop rape until women take a stand and seek to prosecute rapists.

We will be here for you, and we will be praying for you both and your family and for your peace of mind. Come anytime you need to talk. May you bring about triumph and good out of tragedy and evil.

Hugs,
Pat
[> Subject: Re: need some advice


Author:
Heather
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Date Posted: 08/ 7/06 1:24pm

Hi Shelby,

I'm so glad you found our forum. It's a safe place for you.

Firstly, have you now reported the rape? This is first and most important. You were harmed and violated in a way that cannot be allowed to go undealt with. It's important for your safety and the safety of other women that whoever the perpetrator was is called to justice. There is no contempt in that, it is just what needs to be done. I understand the feelings of wanting to 'disappear.' Believe it or not, I think a lot more closure will be available to you if you bring the matter into the light, and this will also bring a support system to you. Even if it was 'date rape' you have a strong grounds for reporting the incident. Rape is rape.

Secondly, I would try to begin immediately separating the rape from your current pregnancy. The new life you are now carrying is not responsible for the rape you endured, and he or she can be rightly viewed as 'your baby' not a joint between you and the man who raped you. Many women who have sought abortions in an attempt to remove a rape that happened have found it only added one act of violence to another. There are other options available to you and the new little life inside you for healing and hope.

You can contact your cities local Pregnancy Resource Center as a start. They exist to help women in unplanned pregnancies and all of their services are free. They will offer you crisis pregnancy counseling so you have a place to decompress, as well as a host of practical resources from low to no cost referrals, ultrasounds, free baby clothes and furniture, financial aide, and they can line you up with any other referrals for counseling, housing, or safety that you need.

Please continue to post here as often as you like as well, Shelby. I'm so sorry for the circumstances that brought you here but we will stand behind you 100% and serve as your first source of support in your corner. The rape was not your fault and you have to reason to hide anything. Can you tell your parent(s)?

Please let us know in what ways we can best support you. You will be in my prayers.

With Kindness,

Heather
[> Subject: Re: need some advice


Author:
Lori
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Date Posted: 08/ 7/06 1:44pm

Hi Shelby,

Welcome to the board. I'm so sorry that you were raped. This is completely horrible and it isn't your fault at all. Don't be ashamed to talk to your parents or counselor etc in fear that you have done something wrong. You need to talk and you need to tell the authorities about what has happened to you.

I know that you must be scared and confused right now. I'm sure your feeling a lot of emotions and those feelings can be hard to deal with alone. You shouldn't have to deal with this alone, this isn't your fault and you need to tell someone immediately.

Were here for you, we will stand behind you completely. I hope you continue to come to this board as often as you would like and need to. If you would like to talk feel free to email me anytime. My msn messenger screenname is LoriK71798@hotmail.com so if you would like to chat I would be more than happy to talk with you.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.

God Bless,
Lori
[> Subject: Re: need some advice


Author:
Melanie
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Date Posted: 08/ 7/06 2:22pm

Hi Shelby,

I sent you an e-mail. IF there is anything I can do, please do let me know.

--Melanie
[> Subject: Re: need some advice


Author:
luka
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Date Posted: 08/ 7/06 6:46pm

Oh honey i don't know what to say :( Youre only 14? My god! I am so so sorry sweetie. Can you tell us a little more about your situation? Do have a have a good relationship with your parents? If you were my daughter i would not be angry at you for what has happened that for sure. I don't think you have anything to fear there. I can imagien a whole lot of people will be assuming and wanting you to have an abortion. How do you feel though? I think it's important for you to explore those feelings before making a decsion about the life of your baby. I had an abortion at your age also. My mum made me go through with it. Strangely i can't remember how i got pregnant but i was being abused at the time so it may have been from that. I felt that i loved my baby pretty soon after finding out though. And i tried to not go through with it but i was too young to realise that i would have been able to go ahead and keep my baby. It did affect me though i was never the same after that. Do you feel anything towards your baby? I am not going to pressure you to make any decisions here. I would just like for you to have the opportunity to work out what it is that you're feeling inside and go from there because wether or not you have an abortion it will affect you for the rest of your life. So it's very important that you make an informed decision and one that you can make peace with. God bless you sweetheart please do come by any time we are all most sympathetic and willing to help out in any way we can.
Just a thought but maybe one of us lives close by and could be there physically some of the time to support you.



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