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Subject: Re: unplanned


Author:
Beth (confused)
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Date Posted: 01/ 2/10 7:00am
In reply to: Heather 's message, "Re: unplanned" on 01/ 1/10 7:44pm

About your question, my support system is complicated. My fiance wants children, just not right now. I know it is very easy to find resources for pregnant women, the one here in my small town depends on your income. I dont make enough income to eat good meals, we eat vienna sausages and crackers just bout every night. I tried to get food stamps but apparently i make too much money. Which is funny b/c our bills outway our income. Not to get myself in trouble but the only reason that i am able to go to school this year is b/c last year, i claimed 2 children that werent my own and was able to get this pell grant. I wont be eligible next year and then where will i be? It is not fair to bring a beautiful baby into our situation. I wouldnt get any resource help because according to the govt. i make too much...lmao!!!!! My mother said she would help support me in what ever decision i made which would be great if she didnt live 3 hrs away from me. I have no childcare, money for food and diapers, formula if i couldnt breastfeed..etc...U have to understand, I live in a small town in al. there is not much here. To have the abortion, i have to go 1 hr. 30 mins away b/c there arent even any obgyn clinics around here..how sorry is that..what if i was to carry to baby and something went wrong?? the closet place is the ER and they dont even have sonogram equipment!!!! I wish my life were different in so many ways but life has worked for me so far. I terribly fear change and a baby would bring about BIG change. I never thought that this option would be my choice but i fear that is this my ONLY choice. I was looking for someone to understand. I am not that far along ( i just found out i was pregnant) i am on birth control for crying out loud. I take a little pill every morning at the same exact time give or take a few mins. and i never miss a pill. y did this happen to me. I think about how could God finally let things look up a little for me-- give me the opportunity to go to school, become a nurse, and make more money so that we can eat more that viennas and crackers and then throw a big change into plans by bringing more financial burden?? not that a baby is a burden, that is not what i am saying, i am just saying- we cant afford ourselves, let alone a baby.

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Replies:
[> [> [> Subject: Re: unplanned


Author:
Lori
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Date Posted: 01/ 2/10 12:21pm

Hi Beth,
I just read your message and I have sent you an email. I look forward to speaking with you. Please know that your not alone, we are all here for you. Your in my thoughts and prayers.

God Bless,
Lori

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[> [> [> [> Subject: Re: unplanned


Author:
Beth, (relieved and sad)
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Date Posted: 01/ 5/10 2:28pm

I am not really sure how these message boards work so I am just posting a reply to this message to update my situation and maybe everyone will be able to read it. I was still debating whether or not to have the abortion. I went to counseling yesterday and was weighing my options and thinking of baby names and couldnt sleep because everytime i closed my eyes, i just kept thinking of names. I came up with Hannah Elizabeth for a girl and Robert Matthew for a boy. I went to work and was preparing to tell my fiance this morning at work (he works with me but in another department). well anyway, I couldnt get up the courage to tell him at work that I didnt want to go through with the procedure. I decided that I would tell him of my change of plans of not to have the abortion, I didnt have any other plans on how I was going to make this work. I ended up miscarrying at work. I spotted after lifted someone heavy and had an awful pain in my stomach. I had already been off work for 10 days so I took ibuprofen and ignored the pain. This morning at my appointment, I told them about the icident at work and they did an ultrasound and vaginal exam and determined (no heartbeart is what I heard the dr. say to the nurse.) The baby was still in utero but hadnt passed from my body. They had to do a D & C ( I think that is what he said) to what he called ( clean me out) He said it was nothing major and that I shouldnt worry. They perfomed the procedure the same way they said the abortion would be performed. I had a shot of demerol and phenergren then a couple of shots to deaden the cervix. And dialaters were placed in my cervix to dialate big enough to do the procedure. As if the shots didnt hurt enough, each dialator he placed in my cervix ( I counted 4) hurt worse with each one. If noone on here has ever experienced the pain...it is out of this world. I remember screaming and crying and I couldnt catch my breath. I started to hypervenilate from the pain that I was experiencing. I remember telling the dr. to please quit...just please stop, are we almost done...i cant take it anymore. I remember being very drunk after the procedure and had to have help getting dressed and was led to a recliner where i slept in between the horrible cramps i was experiencing. After what seemed like half a day (only 30 mins in fact) of having routine blood pressure checks and monitors of my well being. I was told to go into the bathroom and place my pad on the counter on some paper towels and replace it with a new one. I thought i hadnt heard her right b/c i was always taught to wrap and place pad in trash and my pad was just supposed to be on the counter for everyone to see?? I did as she said (she said she had to look at the amount of blood that was coming out to make sure i wasnt hemorraghing). I just said to myself...whatever, I am so ready to just go home. I am sharing this very very personal experience with everyone to help someone maybe. I debated about abortion, made an abortion decision, changed my mind and then lost the baby anyway and still had to go through the same type of procedure. I dont know how I can ever deal with this. Only God can help me..no counselers, drs. or friends. It was the worst pain that I have ever experienced in all my 27 yrs. and i pray that anyone faced with this decision chooses life. I pray that noone ever has to go through the mental, and physical pain of what I experienced today. Thank everyone for your prayers and I thank you for what you are doing. God bless each and everyone of you and your families. Life is a very precious thing and once it is taken away...you cant get it back.

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[> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: unplanned


Author:
Pat
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Date Posted: 01/ 5/10 7:30pm

Hi, Beth,

I am so sorry for how things turned out for you. I will pray that God will comfort you. Please know that your baby is in heaven, and is happy. The hardest part is missing your loved one. Make sure to be very close to God so that you can join your baby someday. I have a baby in heaven, too.

From what you're describing, the doctor was unnecessarily cruel. I am also very sorry about that. He shouldn't have forced open the cervix like that, but should have waited because it would soften of its own accord. Whenever you have another pregnancy, be sure and tell the doctor about this so that he can safeguard your future baby. He can fasten your cervix shut if necessary.

We will very much welcome you staying, and we will talk to you and comfort you whenever we can. I realize that it will be difficult for you to accept our words of comfort, but please know we do care and we love you very much. That's why we are here. You are very, very welcome. Do whatever you need to do. You can also go to a pregnancy agency that works with women who have experienced untimely pregnancy, and they can help you with counseling. Emotional and spiritual healing is possible. Please know that God loves you very much.

Hugs,
Pat

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[> [> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: unplanned


Author:
Heather
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Date Posted: 01/ 6/10 8:13am

Beth,

My deepest sympathy goes out to you for this turn of events. I read Pat's post and echo her thoughts.

Also, I hope you're able to carve out some space to take good care of yourself. Get as much rest as you can and take some good vitamins/high iron to make up for the blood loss. God holds all things, and does work them for good - even when we finite creatures can see the master plan's value in the up close at times.

I was touched by the last few sentences of your post. May God guard this softness in you and use it to bless others.

With Kindness,

Heather

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[> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: unplanned


Author:
Melanie (I'm sorry)
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Date Posted: 01/20/10 1:27pm

Dear Beth,

I am sorry it took me so long to get on here and tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I really just had no words.

I hope you are doing okay. Please feel free to contact me via e-mail anytime if you want.

--Melanie

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[> [> [> Subject: Re: unplanned


Author:
Melanie
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Date Posted: 01/ 2/10 5:21pm

Hi Beth, A lot of governmental services do depend on income, but not all private entities do. Most food closets will not ask for income proof, although they may limit how often you can use their services. It's hard to say without knowing your whereabouts. There are a lot of avenues you can pursue if you really want to work through things and have your baby. When I got pregnant with my first, my husband was unemployed, and I was the one working, and we managed. No one can promise you an answer to every problem, but it's amazing how one can work things out if they really want to. I think the old saying is, "where there's a will there's a way."

There is an organization that does work with women who are pregnant and college-career oriented called The Nurturing Network. They can help you find resources in your area, or even help you to relocate if that would work best for you. The phone number for the Nurturing Network is
1-800-TNN-4MOM. They are also online, but you will probably get help more quickly if you contact them by phone. http://nurturingnetwork.org/whatwedo.html

You do have a choice here, which is to decide if you want to look at the obstacles, or the possibilities. I think it is a good thing to know early that you are pregnant as that gives you more time to prepare.

One thing to consider is that you may qualify for more grants as a single mom, so it might not all be bleak in that sense. A lot of colleges do offer child care based on income, although it is also usually essential to get on the list asap as there is usually a waiting list.

Get with someone in your area, research and plan. You can work through this, especially if your fiance is supportive. One thing is certain, abortion is not your only choice although it probably feels that way about now. If I can help in anyway, please feel free to e-mail me anytime.

-Melanie
wmn4life@hotmail.com

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[> [> [> Subject: Re: unplanned


Author:
Pat
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Date Posted: 01/ 2/10 8:27pm

Hi, Beth,

Let's take your points one at a time. I am going to give you some straight talk. Better to think about these things while you still have a choice, before it's too late. So many women have told me, "Not a day goes by that I don't think about my baby." Is that the future you want? Do you want the horrible nightmares I had after my encounter with abortion? Dreaming a man was chasing you through a dark rainy street with a huge butcher knife, or you are about to be gang raped? What if you became suicidal? It is much more common after abortion. What if you lost interest in being a nurse, and nothing mattered anymore? Whether or you are consciously aware of it or not, you are already bonded with your baby, and your body and heart will know.

Your fiance has a child: the one you are carrying. He is willing to let your harm the baby the two of you produced by showing love to each other? What kind of deal is that? What if this is the only child you ever conceive? Are you two living together? Why not go ahead get married? It will save expenses, too. So if you can't afford a fancy wedding, go before a justice of the peace. You can do a fancy wedding later if you want. Our youngest son just got married with a justice of the peace. My in-laws also did, and their marriage lasted until he died. That was decades.

The resources you said are there aren't what we're thinking of, if it depends on income. The ones we have recommended tend to look at your needs rather than your resources. Most of them offer free help. The one here charges a small amount, but a woman can work it off by volunteering a few hours a week.

Can you start a garden? Even a truck garden would help. Can you barter for food? What about doing some babysitting for a neighbor in exchange for food? Will your fiance help you buy food? Or is he eating crackers and stuff, too? He should start looking for a better job, but not give up the one he has. Can you take turns babysitting? Can you get a little extra work at the college?

Go to your local food bank, or to the churches in the area. There are services for the homeless as well, and they offer meals. What you may need is a better, cheaper place to live. I know a woman who thought she had no choice but to have an abortion, and a priest told her what she really needed was a better place to live. (I am not that fond of priests, I'm just telling you who helped her.) He found her a cheaper apartment that was better, and closer to work, so it didn't cost as much for transportation. When you are confronted with a situation like this, you have to think outside the box. You're still very much in panic mode, and a person doesn't make good decisions when in a panic, and can't really think outside the box, either.

What would happen if you had an abortion and it disabled you? That is a real possibility. Then nursing would be closed to you. As things stand now, you have a chance to become a nurse, provided you don't have an abortion. And like I said, give some serious thought to the fact that you would be repudiating the ethics of being a nurse if you had an abortion. That's a heck of a way to start off a career in nursing, don't you think?

It may not seem fair to bring a beautiful baby into your situation, but it is also not fair to take your baby's life. Situations and circumstances change. I don't care if you think you are set for life. They can change. And vice versa. Plenty of us have had this experience. If you follow God's will, He will provide for you. Not maybe in the timing you think you need, but He will. Right now, He has given you a responsibility. Only you can protect your baby, and your baby is depending on you for your protection. Use the money you'd spend on an abortion to buy food, for heaven's sake!

Going an hour and a half away will also cost money: money for transportation, and money for lodging, especially if you suffer a complication. If you suffer a complication, who will pay your medical bills?

I often answer questions from women who have had an abortion. The number who have serious complications is frightening. They say abortion is safe. It's not. A woman's body was designed to protect her baby, and the ONLY way she can get an abortion is for them to harm her in some way. Harm is guaranteed. The "lucky" ones don't find out about the harm until later. Abortion greatly increases the chances a woman will have a baby with a birth defect in the future, and that can also be very expensive. Don't jump from the frying pan into the fire.

No, abortion is NOT your only choice. You could use a good dollop of courage. Granted, a baby would bring about a big change. However, it happens one day at a time, and you should take one day at a time. If you can make it through today (and you already have), you can make it through tomorrow. Try to avoid the "what if's", or if you insist, also include "what if I had an abortion, and I had a complication, or it harmed a future child, or whatever". Believe me, we understand. Many of us have been where you are right now. I faced some fairly significant health problems with my last pregnancy, and it wasn't easy. I was tired and weak. What we also understand is what happens to women who choose abortion, in the long run. We are trying to get you to think to the future, and tell you what the problems will be if you have an abortion. Because we care. Deeply.

What if you can't breastfeed? Go talk to La Leche League. What if something went wrong with your pregnancy? Get help from your local organization that helps pregnant women. When I was having my babies, sonograms barely existed. I never had one. Good medical people don't need a sonogram to give you good care. What if you can't afford the baby once he or she is born? Choose adoption. It's much safer for you anyway. And the adoptive parents will pay your expenses. I have had midwifery training, and if I lived in your city, I'd come help you with the birth for free. If there were a complication, the ER will take you for free as well. There are always alternatives, but as long as you're thinking about abortion, you won't find them.

Abortion is forever. You can't take it back. Please don't do this. We will be here, and we will be praying for all of you. Please stay safe!

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