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Subject: Re: Young, pregnant and considering adoption

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Date Posted: 05/20/10 10:24pm
In reply to: Courtney 's message, "Young, pregnant and considering adoption" on 05/20/10 3:18pm

Hello, Courtney,

I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation. Adoption is a good choice, and I'll talk about that in a minute.

You would be a poor candidate for an abortion. You really don't want one, and you wouldn't accept it readily in the long run; it could have horrible repercussions for you emotionally if you managed to escape the considerable risk of medical complications and serious damage, if not death. The suicide rate after abortion is seven times greater than it would be if the woman carried her baby to term. Abortion will also cause a woman to become much more likely to get breast cancer while she is still young, possibly in her 30's or even earlier, and it is a particularly virulent form which kills 1/4 of its victims. This is regardless of what type of abortion a woman gets. Pill abortions can cause the death of the woman in several different ways, and sometimes it takes only hours. Surgical abortions can harm a woman's future children, and cause serious birth defects. It's not worth it, and you deserve better.

As for being able to carry a baby to term, try not to worry about that. Unless you have some kind of abnormality that makes you a dwarf, there's not much chance this is a serious problem. I had a midwife who told me he had helped 11 year olds give birth to 13 pound babies, at home! If your bone structure is too small, they can do a Caesarian, but when you realize that an 11 year old isn't going to have a fully developed bone structure, you would think she wouldn't be able to give birth. But as my midwife used to say, the physical measurements aren't the whole story. I learned that a woman's body develops a substance called Relaxin. It's in the blood, and it causes the ligaments and other things to soften toward the time of birth, and helps the cervix to open. You would want to find a doctor who is willing to work with you so that possibly you won't need a Caesarian. The best place to find such doctors is usually by talking to the members of your local La Leche League, although your local organization that helps pregnant women can also be a good source of a recommendation. You can find a local organization by going to this web site:


This organization will also help you plan to meet your financial needs, and to complete your education, and yes, that can be done. How do I know? I did it. I had four children, three of them preschoolers, when I got my degree.

And by the way, I have seen very tiny women on the street who have obviously given birth, because they have children. A good many of them come from countries where Caesarian sections are not readily available. So it is reasonable to assume that they were capable of giving birth normally.

As for adoption, it's a difficult choice (though not half as difficult as abortion by far). It is a decision you should make when you are close to giving birth. Give yourself time to think about it. We adopted and raised two children, and one of our daughters has also adopted two children. We have five other children, and nobody ever thinks in terms of who is adopted. We're all just family. Our children are incredibly close, so close that they often live together to share expenses, and that includes the married ones. The grandchildren all play together splendidly, and again, nobody cares who was adopted. These days, you can have an open adoption if you like. In an open adoption, you get to choose the parents, and you can be kept informed of how your child is doing.

Your boyfriend really has no right to encourage you to have an abortion. He doesn't even have a right to abandon you. I'm not saying you have to be together or anything, but quite often, women perceive an indifferent attitude as abandonment. Your boyfriend won't suffer the medical consequences of abortion; you will. He has no right to walk away from the responsibility he created. So I would recommend you NOT discuss it with him further. Seriously.

Your baby is depending on you for your protection. If you have an abortion, your baby will experience excruciating pain. Please protect your baby.

Allow yourself to experience the joy you deserve. A baby is a wonderful blessing, even though it may not seem like it right now.


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[> [> Subject: Re: Young, pregnant and considering adoption

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Date Posted: 05/21/10 1:36pm


I was raised in a conservative home and as long as I can remember I have always thought that abortion should be a last resort for extreme cases - things like rape, incest, or the event that the pregnancy is dangerous to the mother's well being. It's very strange to have my views called into question and to be unable to, at once, say "No." I am certain I couldn't live with myself after the fact but there is a part of me that is scared and unwilling to own up to the responsibility.

Luckily, I think it's a small part and that I can overcome.

My ex is not a bad guy, really. I hope that his desire for an abortion is a knee-jerk reaction and that once he understands how huge of a deal it is for me and for our unborn baby he will come around. He's young and frightened and it's so much easier for him to try to run from this than it is for me. I'm not a huge subscriber to "My body, my choice" and believe he should have an opinion on what I do, though I do reserve the final say-so.

I'm unemployed and a full-time student and really have no idea how I would manage this. It's all very scary.

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[> [> [> Subject: Re: Young, pregnant and considering adoption

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Date Posted: 05/22/10 5:01am


Let me throw some further thoughts your way.

Think about rape and incest for a minute. Why should the baby pay with his life for the crime of his father? Most victims of rape and incest don't want abortions anyway, and we're doing them a disservice to let society push them into it, which is what is often happening.

You have time to grow into the responsibility. That's one reason we are pregnant for nine months, so we can prepare.

I think you have pretty well explained your ex, and I tend to agree with your analysis, even though there are some men out there who simply run away from responsibility, and that's it. But I trust your judgment. But let me ask you this. Why should either your opinion or his that it's OK to harm your baby be entertained?

In the usual debate, people ask the wrong question. People are asking, who gets to decide on whether a woman has an abortion or not. That's the wrong question. The right question is, should anyone ever decide to harm an unborn baby?

There are very rare situations where the baby cannot live. But even there, it is better not to do active harm, such as deliberately killing the baby. Even in the case of tubal pregnancy, the baby can be lifted out intact and put in warm water for comfort.

I think it helps to get some cobwebs cleaned out of the rhetoric, which is why I have gone into this detail.

If you go talk to the folks at your local organization, they'll help you figure out a way to manage. If you are going to university, you can also ask if they have a college outreach program. Some colleges do. And if yours doesn't, you may be able to get one started. It's worth a try. These programs offer housing assistance and other resources to students.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you both are doing.


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