Friday, May 2, 2008 - New servers are in! Click-in for more info!
VoyForums

[ VoyUser Login optional ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 17:27:48 04/08/08 Tue
Author: p
Subject: Re: I have no one else to talk to about this.PFLAG..
In reply to: Robina Slonina 's message, "Re: I have no one else to talk to about this..." on 14:43:44 04/08/08 Tue

Welcome.
You might want to consider subscribing to one of the support groups listed above. PFLAG support can be very disappointing depending on your geography.

You are correct. Most of us exchanged vows. I speak for no one else. My vows meant everything to me. Taking such a vow realizing that there is such a monumental secret is a compromise from day one. Keeping the secret, then pursuing any kind of relationship outside the marriage is/was, for me (and by my former husband's own admission) adultery.

Like you, I believe gay just is. God created the father of my children as a gay man. He created me as a str8 woman. I know how it feels to share love and passion with a str8 man, now. As a result, I know that my gay former husband deserves the opportunity to find that same kind of love and passion. Remaining together for us was an option short-term. It was a matter of practicality.

Ultimately, we both had to love each other enough to say "enough". It doesn't apply to anyone else, unless it applies to someone else.

If he has told you he is gay, then he deserves a great deal of credit for the courage it took to be honest. If you can continue to share him with a lover/s and be celibate for the sake of the relationship, then there are support groups for that particular dynamic. People do redefine the boundaries in that way. With grown children it isn't so much physically and logistically challenging. It can be emotionally difficult if the str8 spouse either does not have or does not want the latitude to pursue a relationship outside the marriage.

Remember, you aren't his therapist.
No one has done anything wrong here, provided the behavior does not belie the rhetoric.
Do what feels right for you. Know that you can change your mind.

Would you be this willing to "understand" if his partners were women rather than men? You took those vows as I did.
When you took them, what was and is your expectatin for "forsaking all others"? It took me a while to process the ultimate power in that phrase. This all can take the passage of time.

You wrote "we are too quick to divorce". This may seem to be the case with the str8 world. When you are committed to someone with every part of yourself for thirty years and he speaks of and to someone else, his lover, in ways that he never looked at or spoke to you...the divorce (mine) should have come much sooner.

It isn't being gay that is problematic for most.
It is the behavior that is problematic. There IS a difference.

Best of luck. He's fortunate to have you. I hope you aren't sacrificing too much of yourself in an effort to remain coupled. The price can be very high for you.

p

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[ VoyUser Login ] Not required to post.
Post a public reply to this message | Go post a new public message
 * Notice: Posting problems? [ Click here ]
 * HTML allowed in marked fields.
Message subject (required):

Name (required):

  Expression (Optional mood/title along with your name) Examples: (happy, sad, The Joyful, etc.) help)

  E-mail address (optional):

Type your message here:


Notice: Copies of your message may remain on this and other systems on internet. Please be respectful.

[ Contact Forum Admin ]

Forum timezone: GMT-4
VF Version: 2.94, ConfDB:
Before posting please read our privacy policy.
VoyForums(tm) is a Free Service from Voyager Info-Systems.
Copyright © 1998-2008 Voyager Info-Systems. All Rights Reserved.