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Date Posted: 15:56:47 04/13/08 Sun
Author: sophie
Subject: Re: need some support
In reply to: difflurker 's message, "Re: need some support" on 04:55:05 04/13/08 Sun

diff, I really appreciate your input.

You can't know how I have agonized over whether or not he's gay or bi over the years. It's really driven me crazy. He and I have discussed it AD NAUSEUM for so many years I feel like my head is spinning. He swears he's bi. There was never any deception about that...I knew him for a long time before we married and I watched him date both men and women. What I could see with my own eyes looked like attraction to both. What he said in his own voice was that he *was* attracted to both. He admits being more aligned sexually in an animalistic way towards the male body, but he readily admits attraction to females as well...

Still, all these years I've been with him I've felt this core feeling that somehow, if he would ever meet the right guy, he would have that perfect combination of love and sexual satisfaction that I wouldn't be able to touch. He and I share a great love, but you are right. As a woman I cannot begin to give him those feelings he craves from men. At the risk of sounding ridiculous, perhaps he's just gone without that side of himself for so long that it's just all f'd up now.

He also has erectile dysfunction. He used to have a bit of it when he was with men (before we dated) and as he's gotten older it's more pronounced now. He's still young though...just almost 40. And in my mind I feel so confused as to whether he's just so repressed sexually & he's shut down that side of himself so severely that he has the E.D., or if it's the fact that I'm a woman and against what he has felt all his life, he's truly just gay.

And at this point, he doesn't WANT me to leave him, and I can't help but wonder if he's in denial over some of his feelings because of that. He doesn't want to lose the kids & I so he's refusing to believe that he might actually be gay. god knows I've grilled him to death over it all these years, and he's sick of talking about it.

I know there is no magic formula to help me figure out what to do. I ask myself, am I getting my needs met? I have no freaking idea. I've been with him so long I can't even imagine what my *needs* are. And believe me, I remember what it was like to date heterosexual men before my husband, and it was no picnic in the park. Most of the str8t guys I dated lacked emotional intimacy and very few cared about whether I was getting my sexual needs met. Yeah, they'd chase me around the house, but once they caught me it was all about them. My memories of sex with heterosexual men are memories of detachment, lack of love, and just feeling very far away while sex was happening.

This is a very tough decision for me. One I've been trying to make for a long time. Obviously I don't feel right staying in the marriage...but I'm not feeling right about leaving either. I don't know why I'm so confused. I love him, and I love our children. I'm scared of being alone, but I love what Beamer said about being in excellent company.

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Replies:

Re: need some support -- Liz, 20:18:21 04/13/08 Sun
Re: need some support -- Beamer, 09:53:41 04/14/08 Mon
- Re: need some support -- sophie, 20:19:24 04/14/08 Mon
  - Re: need some support -- sophie, 20:24:51 04/14/08 Mon
  - Re: need some support -- Beamer, 07:02:38 04/15/08 Tue

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