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Date Posted: 09:53:41 04/14/08 Mon
Author: Beamer
Subject: Re: need some support
In reply to: sophie 's message, "Re: need some support" on 15:56:47 04/13/08 Sun

Sophie,

I read what Liz wrote to you below and I also picked up on what you said your early experiences with men were.

I have come to realize a couple of things... I was highly "formed" in my expectations ( and lack of them) by what I'd seen go on in my family of origin. My parents did not have an Ozzie and Harriet lifestyle. I now think my own father may have been gay ( my mother told me she thought he was right before she died) and that would have also accounted for the lack of intimacy that I grew up in the shadow of.

I did not have a strong sexual attraction to the man I married because I didn't know that kind of bond, attraction, was really possible. I even dated a few guys that I felt immensely more physically attracted to and didn't marry them because I went for the more familiar model perhaps.. I was more codependent and went for the man who "needed" me more than the ones I really wanted.
This was just like my mother did by staying with a man she did not love or want to be with because she choose to believe that she had no way out... she was wrong because she died instead of living and finding a way out she just gave up and died before my eyes... She had cancer but I think that her mental state not only contributed to it ( and the smoking that had preceeded her death while she'd been depressed and unhappy), but led the way.

She did not die in vain. Also before she died she told me , " I lived my life straight and narrow, don't do what I did". It took me almost 30 years to listen to her, but I did and when I took that step into the unknown, I was terrified, but I took it for myself and also for her. My children did not support me in my decision, but I told them that in time they would come to see that what I was doing ( leaving their father), was the very best thing I'd ever leave them because I knew it was authentic and honest.

Much has changed for me... I think that if you expect you'd choose the same kinds of men that you obviously choose when you were quite young then you'd have to assume you have not had any growth, which is hard to achieve if time has gone by. You have been through much and I bet it has given you much as well. You probably know what you want much more than you did back then. You don't have to go with anyone that isn't going to give you what you want. You don't even have to go with anyone if you don't want to. You can be alone if you want to, and sometimes for some people this is not a bad start. Once we can accept our aloneness over the aloneness of staying with someone in "something" that we have no control over the second form seems at least one within our own "power".

I understand the feeling low self esteem... low self worth, fear, anxiety, no one is going to love me, like me, or treat me tenderly... and maybe they wont.

But for me it came down to this...

We are all going to die. It is just downright unavoidable.
How would you feel if you got into a car accident tomorrow and you were dying in the ambulance on the way to the hospital and you'd never tried?

No one can answer this but you and believe me when I posed this kind of scenario to myself it was not easy to come up with the "choice" of not wanting to die without trying to live MY life... good , bad or indifferent... I don't want to die a coward and was one for a long time.

I kept chooseing security over personal integrity, and now for the life of me I don't know what kind of "security" I was choosing or what I was secure in.. it was an empty life in so many ways... what does it mean that I used to have a dishwasher and I don't now.

I used to be able to shop indescriminately too... now I feel less of a need to anyway.

You are a wonderful strong flexible woman who has done the best you could under the circumstances that you had.

I think all you need to know is that you do have choices.

Love and Light,

Beamer

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