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Date Posted: 02:46:53 04/15/08 Tue
Author: kayh
Subject: Re: need some support
In reply to: sophie 's message, "need some support" on 00:10:53 04/12/08 Sat

Don't know if this helps, but I, too, struggled with whether to leave the relationship and worried about security issues (What will happen to me? No one else will ever want me...((my ex actually said that to me))...I've invested too many years to back out now so I'd better just plow on through/give it six more months/wait to see what he does...)and about whether I was leaving the devil-I-knew, etc. (What if I get into an even worse situation? I obviously have no relationship I.Q....). My self-esteem was so battered that I couldn't even have formulated the concept of "my needs" being met either. When I imagined what I would say if a friend told me that she was living a li(f)e like mine, I knew that I would have advised her to beat it out of there, but I knew that well-intentioned friends sometimes give very bold advice that they wouldn't necessarily really apply to themselves. Fortunately, especially as my daughter got older, I imagined what I would want her to do if she were in my situation, and it was as if the clouds lifted. I would never, ever want my daughter to live in such despair and loneliness. And then I made the leap, "Wait a minute; I am somebody's daughter, too." Slowly, and I mean slowly, this helped me to begin to imagine a better life and to start making plans to extricate myself from an intolerable situation. This might seem childishly obvious to most people, but, sadly, when you have spent years wondering why you are so loathsome, it is sometimes easier to demand better treatment only if you imagine that you are someone worthy of love and respect...such as your own child. It's a starting point.

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