Re: Just a thought re "trauma" -- SSN Forum

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Date Posted: 22:03:19 06/17/08 Tue
Author: beamer
Subject: Re: Just a thought re "trauma"
In reply to: Lara G 's message, "Re: Just a thought re "trauma"" on 13:21:58 06/17/08 Tue

I've come to the conclusion that my X will probably never really come out. I swear that sometimes I just want to boom at him and say , " Hey YOUR GAY"... but I figure that would just give him an opportunity to deny it which would make me more angry than not saying it.

He has a friend whom he often travels with to a foreign country who is also in the closet, in my book anyway. The friend lives with a woman an my X was telling a story the other day saying how much he hated his friends "girlfriend"... he was saying she looks like a man... and I was thinking to myself...eyes poised toward heaven...unhuh... but I don't say anything...

It's not my business anymore... what is my business is my own boyfriend who is just SO cute and reasonably wonderful. He definitely likes women... which is almost weird to me... I was having a very hard time accepting his love, having enough self worth to feel worthy of it and struggling with deeply seated low self worth. When I found this group and started reading and writing here over a year ago I began to shift my gears. I think reading words that I might have written that were actually written by others helped me to understand that first, I was not alone. I have also found it more possible to move into my new love and release most of my self hatred for having been "SO" stupid as to not have KNOWN what is now clear to me... I have forgiven the X and myself quite a bit. I think he really did to the best he could with what he knew and had at the moment, as I believe we all tend to do.

I think that often when we hate the other SO much that we are also simultaneously hating ourselves, feeling that we should have known or been able to change something or done something or whatever...

With the acceptance that what was just "was" and the belief that I did the best I could I'm able to feel so much better.

I don't think he wanted to face that he liked men when he was in his teens any more then than he does now... I have seen all the signs... but he just is unable to "come out... to be who he really is, and that is sad , very sad. Some people derive their self worth externally and are so afraid of public regard about them, that they actually live for others vs. living for themselves. He has a very small "self". It's not worthy of hate in my heart and mind. So I feel compasion for him rather than hatred and I hope that somehow he will find some happiness before he dies.

I am finding my self... after having arrived late to my own life. It's not easy but it's easier than dying and regreting that I never took the chance to try.

It's hard to trust, but you know what is the worst that can really really happen? I might end up alone? I am good at it... I've been alone all my life... I have so little to loose and so much to gain. Trying is enough.
Love is worth the risk!

Better Late than Never...

Love and Light,
Beamer

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