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Date Posted: 00:57:18 08/16/08 Sat
Author: Cathy
Subject: Help me be strong...

I have been married for 25 years. It was never a great marriage, but the last 10 years have been hell. I am pretty sure I finally have the answer to the many questions I could never get answers to. There have been several "red flags" throughout the marriage, but I was finally hit in the face with the realization that my husband has probably been on the down low for years. I saw a counselor (alone) about 7 years ago for help deciding whether to stay or leave and decided to stay until my kids were finished with school. At that time, I did not strongly suspect anything involving another man (although there had been a few incidents of things that make you go hmmm...) This includes another period, long ago, when I had weird vibes from my husband when he was around a guy who was a business associate. He also had a sudden interest in wanting "back door" sex (back when he still wanted sex from me!),and seemed like he was in another world during it. Another guy (Tom) who had worked for my husband for several years, had sort of given the impression that he might be gay and he never brought a date to any company function. I asked my husband once (years ago), if Tom was gay and his response was that he did not know. For several years, when things were starting to get really bad, I did not attend any company functions and my husband did not appear to want me to go either. Several were weekend outings. A few odd things happened over the years and I feel really stupid for not seeing it now. My husband lost his job in 2004 and now works for a different company. Several months ago, he received a late night phone call from his current place of employment. We both picked up the phone at the same time (he hasn't slept in my bed for several years). I secretly stayed on the line. The night manager was asking for "Tom's phone number", and my husband rattled off a phone number right away - even though he was half asleep. I wrote down the phone number and paid a service to find out who it belonged to. It belongs to "Tom" who had worked for him at the previous company. I was unaware that Tom was working for my husband at the new company. I began tracking his calls to this number. All of his employees are in his cell phone contact list except Tom - even though he was calling it several times a day. My husband has a job that requires long hours, including some weekends. For years, he has been leaving at 4 or 5 AM (or earlier), because he had "so much work to do". Boy, do I feel stupid. For a few months I tracked the time he left in the AM. Most mornings he would call "Tom" right after he left the house, as well as several other times a day. I tried to stay calm and not let on to what I knew. I finally blew up on Memorial day weekend, after he had gone to work early Saturday morning to "do orders", and did not return until after 6 PM. I asked him when Tom started working for him and why he never mentioned it. He looked shocked. I asked why he calls him every morning and yet he doesn't have him in his contact list on his phone. I flat out asked if he was gay (my husband), and he went berserk. He was livid. He said that was why he did not put Tom's name in his phone - because I had said bad things about him before. I asked what kind of things, because I only remembered asking once if Tom was gay. My husband could not give me an answer. I told my husband that I believed he was having a relationship with Tom, and that I would like for him to take a lie detector test to prove it. I actually had researched that option, and was willing to pay the $900. His response then was "bring it on". I asked him a few days later when he wanted to take the test and he replied that "he had changed his mind". He wasn't going to do it because he had pride and it was degrading. Hmmm. He will never, ever admit to this. Now, after years of leaving before dawn, he has not left before 7 or 8 AM all summer. He has made efforts to do things around the house, and actually talk nicer to me. It makes me want to puke. I can't stand being in the same house and try to stay away as much as I can. The phone calls to Tom are less frequent (he is suddenly into text messaging!), but last week, after complaining and whining about it for a week, he supposedly had to cover a couple of night shifts for an employee that was on vacation. He talked to Tom several times shortly after leaving the house. I won't go into all of the details because this is long enough, but this sure explains a lot of the problems in the marriage. There were many other little things, and I am 99.9% sure that I am right. He seems to care more about having someone to manage his life rather than love or passion. Both of our daughters moved out this summer and I planned to divorce him even before finding all of this out. Our children were active during school and I was a busy soccer mom. I cut my work down to part-time a few years ago, then my husband lost his job. Now, with the poor economy, there are few jobs in my profession and they seem to be hiring the younger prospects. I work 3 days a week and make decent money, but I don't think I can survive on it. We will have to sell our house and the market is in the toilet here. Put that together with the fact that I put on over 50 pounds over the last 7 - 8 years. I was depressed, prescribed anti-depressants, and I felt alone and unwanted. I think many of you can see where I am at. I am feeling pretty hopeless right now. I have lost 15 pounds this summer, and I intend to try to convince my husband this weekend to agree to a "do-it-yourself" divorce. I want out. I am afraid that he will just walk out and say the hell with everything and I will end up losing the house and ruining my credit. (He doesn't care about such things - that's what he had me for). I can use any words of encouragement or advice that any of you can give me. I know I am a strong person, and the counselor that I saw a few years ago agreed. If I can just get out of this situation, without being financially ruined, I believe I can regain my self-esteem and move on. Thanks for letting me vent.

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