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Date Posted: 18:06:18 08/30/08 Sat
Author: Thomas (remorseful)
Subject: My apologies to all...

My apologies go out to "all" who have been mis-lead into marriage by a spouse who was not honest to their mate nor themselves.

My heart goes out to everybody who has seen this darker side of life where they were not knowing of the life they thought they knew was actually a life they never planned for.

I especially speak to "ALL" the Women out there who have fallen victim to this emptional disaster as I am a Gay Man. Please don't hate Me or look down upon Me for being a Gay Man, as I know the majority of people dislike Gay people. I can shed some light, hope and maybe some laughter on this delicate topic. All My life (I think at age 5 I knew I was "different") I was attracted to other Boys in My neighborhood and "NO" Girls. I was raised well by My Mother (respectful, knew how to do chores, cook, laundry) as well as learned a lot from My Grandmother. All I ever heard growing up was "You are going to make a great husband for a Lucky Lady someday" or "Such a sweet loving respectful good boy like, when are you going to get Married and get a Wife". Then came teen years in school and the favorite saying from all the guys was "thats so Gay" "you're gay" "how gay". Not knowing what "gay" meant I asked people what that meant and they gave another term to explain it.... "Fag". "What's a fag" I asked. And then I got the answer, "a guy who looks at other guys". I must have turned white as a ghost and took off like a rocket. That day I finally had a label, something that tagged me as who I or what I was. How ashamed I felt - just the word "fag" sounded so cold. Nothing loving about it especially I was a very caring and compassionate kid. Well after that kick of reality I shyed away from others to try to hide my shameful self that is until it came for school dances. I really liked to dance (My Mom taught me all the dances- jitterbug, stroll, cha-cha,twist and the bump) since My father had 2 left feet and only knew one dance. The Dances came and now I need a date.... well I had to ask a girl so I did ask a girl and we went. I was excited that I was going and after getting there and only seeing girls dance with each other and all the boys were standing against the wall I decided to be the first boy on the floor. I took my dates hand and wisked her out on the floor and we danced like there was no tomarrow. I remember two distinctive things happening that night. 1) all the other girls were swooning over me and wanted to dance with Me 2) it happened out of the blue.... some boys came up and yelled at Me -"FAG" and laughed. I felt so ashamed and embarassed that I left the floor, called my dad to pick me up. After that I was now labled in school, not for being a good dancer but as the (new term) "queer". I was now in a rut and had to find a way out. I know I thought, "I'll get a girlfriend" and so I did. Long story short... even though I loved Her, I loved Her as being "Her" not as a Woman. So now I have shame on both sides of the scale. On one side I have the shame of being labeled as a fag and queer and on the other side I am lying to a perfectly unknowing and innocent lady telling her I Loved her and making wedding plans with but knowing after years of struggling as a boy who was different that I could not be faithful to her and love her the way a Man should. So after a very long week of deep emotional thinking, gut wrenching and agonizing thoughts I made my decesion as to what I was going to say choose or do. One side of me did not want to ever, ever hear that trem/label used against me ever again even if I have to hide behind a Wife in order to escape cruel treatment the other; was to stand up, be a Man and not tare,shred and ruin the life of a lovely girl that deserved the chance to be happy. A chance to make a descesion to be with a guy that truely "loved" her as the Women she was! Well it broke My heart but I made the painful decesion and told My girlfriend that I was gay and did not feel the same about her as I do for a Man. We both cried and just held each other and comforted each other. It was one of the most painful but yet best decesions I've made in My life. I see her from time to time and after all these years she still thanks Me for not lying to her and leading her into a make believe life. she has a nice husband and beautiful children. And yes, we still Love each other.... as Friends that cared for one another.

Fast forward to 2008. My Life partner and I are denied rights, benefits and recognition from soceity just for being two masculine gay men who happen to love each other. Were not about the sex and sleeze as most people seem to think of gay people. We work pay bills have a four legged furry friend who keeps us busy good family who loves and accepts Us as a couple of 15 years and we are soul mates. As We see it... men who marry to hide and ruin a Wife & children's lives in order to keep the finger pointing at them have more rights in Life then Us and therefore they are cowards. C'mon Guys... grow a pair, stand up for yourself and be accounted for as Gay men and stop hurting innocent Women & children because you are not man enough to stand out in being "different".

Ok Ladies, I will stop here even though I have much much more to say than this. I will post some tid bits on things like how to determine your husband is (as Oprah says) on the "down low". as well as give you some inside views from a Man who has been romantically and sexually involved with women but choose to be with Men. Again, I'm sorry for all of you who are or have suffered from someone else's denial. God Bless!

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