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Date Posted: 05:35:02 04/21/09 Tue
Author: Kev (Broken)
Subject: My wife came out, badly.

Hi

I'm having trouble.

My wife came out to me. She did not do this in a nice or clever way. She showed no concern or sensitivity for my feelings. She asked how I would feel if she had a lesbian affair. I asked how it would affect us, she said we would just be friends.

Our marriage is over, we are separated, and getting a divorce.

As far as she is concerned that is it. At first I tried to be supportive, I believed that this was her first lesbian experience. I was actually proud of her honesty, and I 'outed' her during our breakup without thinking (not out of anger). She opened up to me, too much, and I misinterpreted what she said, wrote to her in what I thought was a supportive way, she took umbridge, lashed out, and told me that she had previously had a secret 3 month affair, that she wasn't going gaga over her first lover at all. She is suddenly and brutally in love with this woman, who she says she 'has not left me for' because she told me last year (immediately before the affair) that she had fallen out of love with me.So everything is rosy in her garden.

The last year has been difficult. she didnt explain why she didnt love me anymore, just that her feelings had changed. I didnt know what to do, (my depression didnt help), she seemed to be expecting me to 'fix' her (my interpretation), we tried to seperate to different houses to 'date' (apparently after the affair - and she has assured me it wasnt a con) but that fell through, she has since accused me of paying lip service to the marriage and following up with 'fuck all action'. But at the same time, she wouldnt move off the sofa, go see any friends, socialise with me etc. I was trying. I was working, paying all the bills, doing most of the housework, and threw myself (even using time off work) into helping her set up a business so she could have an income to buy a place of her own (separate/dating see above).
Our sex life was practically nil, (deliberately so by her admission.)
Meanwhile she said she was lonely, she had previously been to salsa classes but said men 'hit on her', so to avoid this she had joined a lesbian site 'the pink sofa', to find local friends she could meet safely (How stupid am I???). It was on this site that I think she met her first lover, and subsequently another lesbian,who came to our house and seemed to be a genuine friend to us both. But that stopped after she came onto my wife, who rejected her and came complaining to ME (I didnt know about the affair so I took this as a good sign that she was only looking for friends). She had been going away at the weekends, ostensibly to avoid contact with my son, who she has always had problems with (nowt wrong with him, they have old 'step issues). I guess she could cope whilst she was in love with me, but not since. She stayed away with friends, and ultimately with people from the sofa, where she met her current lover.

She has described her new beau as 'her equal and as strong as her' (implying that I'm not).

I'm destroyed, I should just pick myself up, forget the last 7 years and get on with it. Why should this be any different to a hetrosexual break up? A straight affair? I dont know. It just is. I feel like I'm under attack from the lesbian community, when actually I'm just the victim of an insensitive clod. We used to talk about everything. We didn't get a chance to talk about this. We did talk about our relationship, and she said we could have made it if it had been just us. it hadn't been for all our family, not gelling. I dont get that. How could we have made it if shes gay?

I dont know what to do. I'm not angry at her any more, I recognise that she wanted to make us work, but didnt try very hard. The Hurt has gone somewhere else. I hate lesbianism. It has destroyed my life. I hate their little cliques and pride day and their coming out support. Why do they have all this support and I, a straight victim of circumstance, whos wife has been stolen by an experienced butch lesbian who was rejected the first time but came back for another go, have no support at all.

I dont want to feel this way. I dont want to hate lesbians. I'll be frank, as a straight guy I used to like seeing lesbian sex, it was a turn on. Its not now. Seeing two women together turns my stomach, I cant even laugh at lesbian humour. Its like my soul, which was open and generous and never had a problem with anyone elses sexuality, has been mugged.

I try hard not to judge. Peoples sexuality is their own affair. Live and let live. But it never affected me before. I am a victim of someone elses sexuality!!!! How can I stop feeling like this? Can you help? Please!

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