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Date Posted: 06:02:12 06/14/09 Sun
Author: difflurker
Subject: Re: My apologies to all...
In reply to: DianeS 's message, "Re: My apologies to all..." on 22:56:16 06/13/09 Sat

I think that the problem of gay men marring straight spouses will always exist to some extent. However I think that the rate has gone down dramatically as society has become more accepting of gays. When I was young and in the clubs it was rare to find any gay man over 50(60ies now days), who was not married at some point in life. However gay guys in their 20ies and 30ies for the most part were never married.

I hate to say it but if the person that had married you had been capable of that kind of deep thought and honesty they would probably not have married to begin with. The trouble with gay is you know you are attracted to men but what does it mean? Is it just some personal aberration that one can ignore or is it more? It takes time, truthfulness, and emotional honesty to work out that a. Your gay, b. this is unlikely to change and c. you probably shouldn’t get a woman involved.

I don’t think it is an issue of compassion on the side of the spouse because they married with the expectation of staying together for a lifetime. It is more short sightedness. In your husband’s case abuse would make acceptance of being homosexual harder to accept than average. And on average, I would say that accepting the fact that one is gay isn’t something that comes quickly. It took me a year before I was willing to tell anyone else and despite having homosexual attractions from the moment puberty hit, I ignored them until I was 18. I might have ignored them even longer had I not had a crush on a class mate and been unable to distance myself from that classmate. In fact it was only after I had bonked about five guys did I finally allow myself to accept the label gay. I was not emotionally aware enough to realize that I didn’t need to bonk any guys at all to accept the label.


He could not tell you the whole story because he had not accepted the whole story. All guys assume they are straight until the evidence that they are not gets to be too much to handle. He would not have taken his almost exclusive sex life with men as being something to worry about. From his point of view all he needed to do in a marriage would be just not have sex with men from that point on out. Of course in reality he did not stay faithful because of a little but very important thing called attraction and his ability to convince himself that his gay sex life was not important. And his lack of attraction to women would make a marriage difficult at best.

He told you about those teenaged experiences because on some level he was troubled by them. He could not be honest with himself and admit that he probably had sex way more than a couple times. Nor could he be honest with himself and admit that he is turned on by men.


You unfortunately did not and frankly could not have realized that his telling you about the teenaged experiences could be a red flag. You likely had little experience with the subject of homosexuality and it probably was not ever discussed much back then. A straight guy would have never informed you of those teenaged experiences because he would not have been troubled by them. The straight guy might have had gay sex, once or twice and that was about it.

However your husband was not willing to accept the label gay and still wanted marry you. I honestly can’t think of anything that would have prevented him from marring you short of him having an epiphany. He might have been a little worried about it, but that is about it. He simply could not be honest until he started embracing his homosexuality and if he had embraced his homosexuality odds are he wouldn’t be chasing you. It is a terrible catch 22.

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