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Date Posted: 21:46:34 06/15/09 Mon
Author: DianeS
Subject: Re: My apologies to all...
In reply to: difflurker 's message, "Re: My apologies to all..." on 06:02:12 06/14/09 Sun

Thank you for your reply. Believe me, I get it. I really do. In fact I told myself the same things time and time again to justify staying with him and to give me a reason to forgive him time and time again. However... none of that gives him an excuse to do what he did. Of course I can understand it at the beginning, but at what point does common decency kick in? Is it after the 2nd or 3rd time he screws a guy and tells me it's all in my head? Is it at the 3 month point where I confront him, or is it at the 7 yr. point when I kick him out? Or is it after 13 years of the miserable merry-go-round? WHEN does he finally have to be responsible for his actions? Notice I did not say responsible for his sexuality. I said responsible for his ACTIONS. Even when we are confused and in denial about something, we can make the choice to do the right thing. And sometimes that right thing is the hardest thing. It was for me, that's for sure. When I finally closed the door on him for good it was so very difficult, but it was the right thing. BUT...why should it have had to be me to be the one to finally do it? Could he not have shown me even an ounce of respect and ended it, or at least agreed to end it even when he was not sure? He may not have been sure about who he was, but one thing was for sure...we were miserable and he certainly knew that. He also knew the source of that misery. It was his behavior and continually choosing to screw someone new. You know, I am normally pretty guarded about what I say and how I say it regarding that time with my ex, but I have to say that I'm really sick of having to do the, "Ah...poor guy...so confused...so tormented" bit. Bull. What about me? Where's the "Poor woman who was put through more than any one person deserves." Don't think I've ever heard anyone say that. Nor have I ever had someone, particularly a gay man, hold my hand and say, "You did not deserve what he did to you." You know what? I didn't deserve it, period. I gave him my best years, my YOUNG years that I can never get back. And in return I am expected to STILL coddle and accept him for being a lost, confused soul. Well, screw that. Confused or not, he CHOSE to screw the 18 year old kid in our church youth group that we were leading...He CHOSE to screw the pianist in the church choir I sang in... He CHOSE to have three guys on the side at one time while making me think I was going crazy for even thinking he was doing anything. He CHOSE to lie...he CHOSE to cheat...he CHOSE it all. Had he taken the high road at ANY point in those 14 years we were together I'd probably feel a lot different today. Don't get me wrong, I did (and still do a little bit) feel for him. But you know what? NO ONE felt for me during that time. Why? Because no one knew. I lied and covered for him. I suffered in silence, humiliated, broken-hearted.

And, believe it or not he and I interact just fine now. We share children and grandchildren and we honestly share them. We've sat in the waiting room all night awaiting the birth of our grandsons and hugged each other after our grown daughter underwent a long, dangerous surgery this past year. We've sat together during our children's weddings. We can do those things and we do them quite well. He is always welcome in my home when we are together as a family. I happily stop by his family reunion to say hello to the in-laws I once had. We do those things and do them well. But...you cannot imagine how badly I want some day to look him in the eye and tell him EXACTLY how I feel about what he did to me and to our family. And oh yes, I have told him before, but you know what? He still doesn't get it. Why? Because he is still able to justify everything he did with the exact same reasons you gave me in your reply. As I said, I really do get it. I do. But those reasons are still not enough and never will be enough to justify his behavior.

Please do not misinterpret my response as an attack on you or other gays. I respect you and have always read with interest and taken to heart your responses. They've helped me on numerous occasions. I guess I'm just tired of "getting it." I'd like just once for the table to be turned. If I could just once hear my ex say he really gets it before I die, I think I'd feel like it was all worth it. I have to tell you, I think I've come a long way and then out of the blue I get this image in my head of standing at his bedside when he's breathing his last breath, asking for my forgiveness and me saying...I don't forgive you for what you did to our family and you can go to your grave with that thought." Awful, I know. And I won't do that. Why? Because I have the common decency to treat him with the respect he never showed me.

DianeS

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