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Date Posted: 08:36:49 07/04/09 Sat
Author: Kevin (Support)
Subject: Re: Is My wife having an emotional affair with her best girl friend of 25 years??
In reply to: difflurker 's message, "Re: Is My wife having an emotional affair with her best girl friend of 25 years??" on 02:26:22 07/04/09 Sat

Maxpain, in case you were thinking about it please don't discount difflurkers comments simply because he is gay. He's a good 'intelligence' source, and his perspective is very useful.

"Is this adultery??" Its not IN LAW. But it is if you feel it is. So it is. If shes in love with someone else and having sex with someone else, does it matter that the other person is also female? I can understand how you feel confused on this. For me it wasnt the act, it was the emotion involved that was the real adultery.

"Now she realized how wrong she was", Good. keep talking. She should take responsibility.

"Is this right about this statement of transition/support of being gay?" Her counsellor isnt there to support your marriage, they should have NO agenda, other than the support of the individual. If your wife is gay, then she and the counsellor need to find out and work how to deal with it, and with you and the family.

"Should I draw a line in the sand and say barb is not welcome in the house that we live in and I don’t want barb around my boys until such time when we are working on the marriage together and going to counseling together? She is still texting, calling and going out with her."

This is such a hard thing to get our heads around. If she had a boyfriend that she was kissing and hoping to sleep with, what would you do? You'd put your foot down and tell her him or me. No contact/texting/frienship. My way or highway. Of course, then she might just go, with kids to boot. But because its with a woman, and because we cant get our heads round the gay thing, because it doesnt feel like adultery, and because the really tough thing you need to deal with is that its NOT barb that is the threat to your marriage, Its the way your wife feels about herself that is the problem, then of course you dont know how to react.

The bad news is that there is no script. You must act to protect yourself and your family as best you can. I would say at least 'mobile off' when you are talking with her.


"My wife said she is trying to build back a “friendship” relationship with her. Is this a bullshit line?"

Yes, but she might believe it.

"I guess my fear is being alone and having another failed marriage." Two seperate issues. If you divorce a gay spouse its not because you or your marriage 'failed'. It's a get out of responsibility free card. It wouldnt matter if you were brad pitt on viagra with fort knox as your bank account and the best husband on the face of the planet. If shes gay, all bets are off, and the only hope for he marriage is for one side (you) to accept less than half a relationship, or for both to make compromises. I understand that your goal is to keep your marriage going and I'm not going to tell you theres no chance - there is. But ALL roads from here are mined.

"Are there grounds for me during a divorce taking custody of my two boys because she cheated on me and I don’t want my boys to be brought up in this gay relationship? I don’t have any issues with this population but I don’t want my boys to be bought up in this environment." Probably not unless their safety is at risk, which I doubt.

"My wife is a public school teacher will that be an issue that she is gay in a conservative neighborhood?" An issue with what? Will it make her job hard if shes out? Probably. Will she lose it? I can't say - but if so would that help YOU? Probably not.

"Besides going to counseling twice a week and this support site, I have no one else to talk to. I live in NJ, is there a support group I can go to??" Join the str8s mailing list to get the answer to this (I'm in the UK so I cant say.) from the links at the top of this board. Get a book 'The other side of the closet' by Amity Pierce Buxton.

Good luck, keep your head.

Regards

Kev.

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