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Date Posted: 05:18:53 07/10/09 Fri
Author: difflurker
Subject: Re: Is My wife having an emotional affair with her best girl friend of 25 years??
In reply to: Tim 's message, "Re: Is My wife having an emotional affair with her best girl friend of 25 years??" on 01:01:51 07/09/09 Thu

Forgive me if I make your pain any worse. I am a gay guy and I am not sure if I am this to help explain what happened or am I letting my ill will towards focus on the family get the better of me. I know the feeling your wife was preyed upon is a normal feeling and it takes time to work out anger about being divorced for no good reason by your wife.

I guess I sort of hate it when focus on the family puts up a mother, father, husband of a person who “turned” gay and they blame it on the boyfriend\girlfriend that they ran off with. I hate it because it is not the truth and it spreads fear of homosexuals (i.e. lock the doors or they will make some poor unsuspecting soul queer!). As a gay person I can most defiantly tell you the experience of coming to terms with your homosexuality is less about being seduced and more like drawn to it like a moth to the flame.

I wish there were a resident lesbian around because they experience it differently. However my own experience was being attracted to men the moment the hormones hit. I might not have acted on it but I was very attracted to men from puberty.

I had all sorts of attractions to men from about 13 till 18. I did not act on them. Although that was less about my own good behavior and more about the fact that I had not run into another gay person. I can think of at least four occasions where my attraction was too great to hide and the person I was attracted to knew I was attracted to them. The only reason why they didn’t do any thing to me is either because:

a. They were straight
b. I was underage and they had enough personal morality to leave me alone.

In general, no one suspected me of being gay because I was reasonably straight acting (i.e. Jumping rope with the girls is not for me). I kept my distance from any people who were gay (lest I be suspected and treated like one). I was a tad homophobic. I once accidental bought a red shirt that looked hot pink when wore outdoors in sunlight and I never wore it again because it made me look gay.

Heck I even dated a girl in high school. A girl who choose me and I agreed more because she was a really nice person who I had a lot in common with than any desire to get in her panties. Despite my attraction to men I didn’t date or have sex with men because I was preprogrammed from my upbringing (i.e. Men chase women).

A closeted person or a person who has not come to terms with it creates an illusion. They create the illusion that they are straight. And it is a very easy illusion to maintain, provided you behave in gender appropriate ways heterosexual people assume your straight. Even today it is more my lack of girlfriend that causes people to suspect that I might be gay than the way I dress, speak, or act.

That being said just because I can act straight does not mean that I am straight All I need is for a cute guy to come into visual range and it can distract me. In my case about the only reason why I acted on my homosexual impulses at 18 was because I got a crush on a guy in a class. Up till then I could usually keep my distance from any guy I was developing feeling for. That time the professor had arranged seating and I was forced to sit next to an attractive guy for twelve weeks! If that had not happened I might have gone longer in limbo. I sometimes wonder when I would I have acted cause my plans in life at that moment were graduate, find wife and marry.

That crush caused me to reevaluate things. I had more emotion for this guy than I did my girlfriend or frankly any woman. I wanted to get lost in his eyes. I never had those feelings for my girlfriend. I could no longer convince myself that it’s just a phase cause this phase has been going on for a long time and this guy was far from the first time I ever found a guy sexy. I suddenly needed to find out if I were truly gay (I suspected since about 15 but believed that people really are not gay until they turn gay). And I realized that my method of dealing with my homosexual attractions could no longer work. What was I going to do when I got a job, change departments because I found the intern cute? It was only then did I decide to do something with a guy.

My own view is that you unknowingly married a time bomb. It was not a matter who but a matter of when. All she needed to do is run into a attractive woman who returned her feelings and boom! Now don’t get me wrong I think the woman she ran off with is morally lacking for messing with a married woman and I think your wife was wrong to intentionally or unintentionally drag you and your children into her own mess and not at least apologize. But please do not develop the illusion that your wife was ok until this woman showed up. A storm was quietly brewing.

As for you relationship with her, well in my own case was in love with that girlfriend but it was more she likes it therefore I do it. I held her hand because I thought she liked having her hand held and it was fun holding her hand. However with men it is totally different. With men I want to hold his hand cuddle with have sex with ect. With her there was no desire on my part. I was just doing what was expected and I did enjoy it, with guys wild horses could not keep me away.

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