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Date Posted: 01:17:47 07/21/09 Tue
Author: p
Subject: Re: Is My wife having an emotional affair with her best girl friend of 25 years??
In reply to: Tim 's message, "Re: Is My wife having an emotional affair with her best girl friend of 25 years??" on 18:32:48 07/20/09 Mon

Tim,

Just a gentle reminder, there are no "theys" in this. Some spouses behave very badly from the beginning. Some are passive or passive aggressive in the relationship (mine was the latter...always the victim...never responsible for anything that went wrong). Some are honest. Some are not.
Some are sorry. Some are not.

One of the most important distinctions I was able to make early and have never waivered is my believe that orientation is not a choice. Who would choose to be gay?
Behavior, on the other hand, is most definitely of one's choosing. Not all homosexual spouses "are" or "do" anything in particular. There are differences and similarities in each person's story.

My former husband told me he was gay a few weeks after our 27the wedding anniversary. He had a lover. We were the most Politically Correct folks anyone could imagine. We were also business partners. At the time, our children were 17 (son), 21 (daughter, very active Mormon...as we all were for many years), 24 (married son). The first 18 months or so found me moving from praying to die in my sleep the first 90 days or so, to him coming home, begging for my forgiveness, swearing to go back to church and more.

Thankfully, I suppose, the sex life that was absent for the previous six or so years never resume, since he had been lovers with a man. In addition, thankfully, we both had phenemonal psychiatrists. At the end of those 18 or so months, we determined that we really did have to love each other enough to say, "enough". That may not be what works for anyone else, but it did for us. The only thing I would have changed, is I would have taken the advice of friends who were our attorneys and filed for divorce immediately.

How long? July 17, 1997. The ambivalence followed as the behavior became more maddening. His choices of lovers ultimately resulted in me being left bankrupt and as close to homeless as I ever want to be. He mooched off our oldest son, then our daughter. When he came to me for help I had sold everything we owned of value in order to pay bills and keep our children in college. Even those resources ended and neither of the two younger ones finished. I finally told him that I could no longer listen to his issues, be his "friend" or help in any way. I suggested that he go to his sister for help. I assume he did. He has been almost completely absentee from the lives of our children for several years. He has two granddaughters he hasn't seen in six years. How does someone do that?

My ambivalence is alive and well. It has a companion lately, pity. I really pity him. I don't know that he can or ever will make the first move toward a new relationship with his children. They are willing, but are not willing to make the first move.

He promised me so much.
He knew he was gay and didn't tell me. Regardless of his reasons, and I believe he believed they were valid, it did not give him the right to perpetrate that deception for decades.

Understand too, that although there may be similarities in terms of behavior with homosexual wives and homosexual husbands, there are also differences. Lesbians are not the female version of gay men. Men and women ARE different. Gay men are not male versions of lesbians. On the contrary.

One of the things that made the biggest difference in my healing and my ability to embrace ambivalence was allowing myself to be vulnerable when it came to a relationship with someone, someone str8. What I learned was The Difference. The Difference between what happens between a str8 woman and a str8 man is stunning. See, many of us were virgins when we married. So our "normal" was normal.
Nope, nope and nope. I learned that a str8 man loves to be touched in ways that my husband never allowed, yes allowed. I learned that str8 men love to touch women in ways that my husband never attemped. (A woman can only see "the ick face" so many times, the the damage to her self-esteem is so deep that precious little could change it...other than an honest loving str8 man.)

Pathological Narcissism is something far too familiar to many str8 spouses. Compartmentalization is also a "talent" that many gay/lesbian spouses seem to be able to elevate to an art form; some, not all.

This is still all pretty new for you, for most who have posted in the last little while. There is definitely a "shock" period. Some, not all, homosexual spouses morph into someone almost unrecognizable to the str8 spouse and the friends and family. Not much you can do about it except not be shoved in the closet, not assume responsibility for it, not excuse it. Some, not all, remain in that phase for a long time. Some, not all, grow out of it.

The single most influential and unpredictable person in this most fluid of processes is The Other One. The lover of (our) former spouses can wield frightening power over those we believed we knew so well. For that reason I suggest that everyone consult an attorney sooner rather than later to determine all options; regardless of how ludicrous the thought of separation/divorce may be at the time. Justice is neither just nor fair when it comes to this. To expect it is unrealistic.

I envy those with good relationships with their former spouses. They are all to be congratulated for being so considerate of each other. Sadly, they (and yes, this "they" is a generalization) seem to be the exception and not the rule. The other "theys" are an insult to those who make the effort to put family first.

Hope this helped.

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