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Date Posted: 17:53:53 09/15/09 Tue
Author: David
Subject: Re: transgendered awol father of my son
In reply to: Rose 's message, "transgendered awol father of my son" on 11:23:10 09/14/09 Mon

Rose,

Usually the term "drama queen" is only half right, but it sure totally fits your ex!

Cross-dressing is not about grief. But coming out (as gay, as trans, etc) is often precipitated by mid-life crisis kind of events - stop knocking out babies, or the kids going off to school or turning 40-50-60 or menopause, or realizing one's own morality like he probably did after his sister's death. On some level, he started asking himself, "is this all their is?, will I ever get to be ME?!" And the person inside wasn't at all the person on the outside, the one you thought you married.

Everyone on the forum has a weird co-parent to explain to the kids. Not there is anything weird about just being gay. But being closeted so long, to have married, had kids, and then get up and leave or massively change the family dynamics is something most of us have been through. And it sounds like your exes coming out was pretty extreme even compared to other long-closeted spouses. And very self-centered and inconsiderate of your needs, the kids, and the effect it would have on them. Par for course in some ways, but again, he/she did a pretty extreme version of it.

Note that many, many families have a few nuts fall out of the family tree. The gay uncle, the dead-beat dad, the guy in prison, the crack mom, etc, etc. More than hide it or try to "spare" your children from it, I'd suggest you teach about it. That is there bio-dad, it is not them. It is not there fault, it is not their future and they can have whatever future they're willing to work towards. It can be irresponsible and inconsiderate of others, or it can be loving and connecting with other people.

Usually you're told to not speak ill of the ex-spouse. But with the ex in prison or bankrupt or totally out to lunch, I think you need to gently tell the kids where things stand. When older kids are told about their odd-ball parents, they inevitiably ask/demand to know, "Why didn't you tell me early?" Which is exactly what we spouses felt ourselves!

-David

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  • Re: transgendered awol father of my son -- CC (Sympathy), 20:43:14 09/16/09 Wed
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