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Date Posted: 22:37:03 10/22/09 Thu
Author: J (hesitant)
Subject: I'm not sure.

I am 22 years old, I've been married for (almost!) two years and there aren't any children in my relationship. I have known my husband since we were both in highschool (highschool sweethearts, lol) and 15 years old, and we were great friends as well as dating only each other until he asked me to marry him. We were affianced for two years and living together before we got married, and this was helpful because we got all of the "first-time" fights out of the way, such as the "It's MY Money" fight and the "Do NOT Bring Food Into the Bathroom" fight. (haven't had that one?...yet?) I felt like I knew him completely and we have always been almost painfully honest with each other, but have always remained best friends.

Almost a year after we got married, I was searching for some masking tape for an art project I was obsessed over, and the thought struck me that maybe, just maybe, my husband had some masking tape hidden in one of his old art folders from highschool ( I had this thought while checking MY art folders from highschool-genius, right?) So, I reached into his art folder and found this DVD. It was a gay porn, something about schoolteachers? I dropped it like it was a snake- I had NO clue what it was doing in there. I thought- maybe someone had put it in his art folder as a joke? But then I realised that there was a label of the store that it had been bought at and that store had only gone up in my neighborhood in the last six months or so. Unfortunatley for my poor husband, I had to pick him up from work (one-car family) and the whole time he was chattering away, happy to see me, I could barely look at him. He asked me what was going on, and all I could say was that I would talk to him about it when we got home ( I am a lousy driver when I'm upset.)

So, it turned out to be his, he had bought it not two weeks before from our local adult store. He said he looked at gay porn alot online and had pretty much since he was 12. He was completely embarrassed and I felt so bad for asking him these questions, but he said he wasn't "gay" but he thought maybe he was bi. However, neither of us have ever had any other relationship, and neither of us had ever really considered marriage ( I have been a super-feminist from birth, it seems). He said he'd throw the DVD away, and I said not to worry about it, and he didn't until later. I told him I wanted to support him no matter what, but he said he'd decided to stop. So I let it go.

Now, in the last couple of months we've gotten a new computer and I find in his thumbnails page ( I wasn't looking I just got online on his page cos it was the one up) some gay porn sites. I asked him about it, trying to be more open and approachable this time and he apologized profusely, saying he tried to stop but couldn't. I have told him I don't want him to stop doing whatever he needs to do, and I've never doubted his love for me, not even now, but i'm just not sure why he keeps trying to "stop" and then lying about it. Am I being too "cool" about it?

My husband says he's not into watching anything but oral sex between men, and maybe it's a power thing. He has always been great in bed, and I've asked if there is anything I can do in bed for him, but he says no. I felt really threatened the first time i found out, because I thought I knew him, and I am proud of him for telling me what he has because I know I'm the first person he has ever told, but every time I find a gay porn site on my search bar I still feel really insecure and threatened. I'm not sure I am approaching this the right way, and I really apologize for the long post, but is there anything I should be doing that I'm not? I'm not sure what to do.

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