Re: What hurt the most when I found out... -- SSN Forum

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Date Posted: 02:25:34 10/25/09 Sun
Author: Eva
Subject: Re: What hurt the most when I found out...
In reply to: Liz 's message, "Re: What hurt the most when I found out..." on 14:22:44 10/24/09 Sat

Dear Liz,

Smart... I don't know, but tough I am!

In these 2 years I have come a long, long way and I feel very proud of myself: I left a job I was miserable in, and found another one I love; I have ensured that the separation was as little traumatic as possible to my children; I have shed many sunny-day friendships that left me unsupported when I needed them the most; I'm able to smile and say a firm hi to my in-laws who can barely look at me in the eye, never mind speak to me. I decided to take the high-road for the sake of my children, and never speak ill of my former husband to them, or to anyone.

All those are terrific accomplishments I feel extremely proud of, but there is an area in which I am still a mess: I don't know how to shake off the years of emotional abuse from my ex. I would love to scream at him, to hit him hard in the chest with my fist, and to make him aknowledge and apologize for the mess he's made of my life. But getting angry and emotional for the way he's treated me could weight very heavily against me in the bitter custody battle we are having over our children.

I feel that getting a divorce so soon after the gay revelation was in fact a mistake. I did not allow me to get through my feelings of betrayal at all. I felt angry, but could not express it over fear of losing my children in Court, if he chose to depict me as an angry monster on the loose who would pit the kids against their father. He's played the role of the victim so well (after all, being gay was all about him, in his mind, and nothing about me or the children), that most people seem to think that showing sympathy for my situation would be wrong. Thus the isolation I feel: nobody to talk to!

In order to make a final custody decision in our divorce, the Court has ordered a full family assessment to understand why the parents can not communicate at all re. issues affecting the children. To me, the gay issue is at the core of the dispute: hopefully we will get to talk about it in front of a qualified psychologist, and the healing will slowly begin. My problem is that if I can not trust him as a person, there is no way I can trust him as a father, to understand and respond to the need of the children.

Am I making any sense to you? I probably should focus less of the kids, and more on me, but I feel it is my responsibility as a parent to make sure they are OK before I am... I am so scared of their reaction when they learn their father is gay... The other day my 9-year old daughter saw 2 gay men kissing & making out in a train, said nothing to me, but commented at the dinner table with her cousins what she saw, and how weird & disgusting it felt to her... If only she only knew!

All I could say to her was that love takes on many, but different forms, but deep inside of me was this insiduous image of her dad & his lover having sex on my former kitchen, and God forgive me, I found it as weird and revolting as my daughter thought about the 2 train strangers.

I wasn't a homophobic AT ALL, but since this happened to me I find that I have less tolerance to homosexuality, not more!

Anybody there with the same thoughts?

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