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Date Posted: 16:11:22 10/26/09 Mon
Author: David
Subject: Re: What hurt the most when I found out...
In reply to: Eva 's message, "What hurt the most when I found out..." on 02:46:16 10/24/09 Sat

Eva,

The Canadian woman that P referred to, if it's a the same woman I've met, didn't actually establish rights for str8 spouses throughout Canada to sue for divorce under the faster (at-fault?) approach. She established it for British Columbia as she lives in Vancouver. It was a pretty extreme case - he'd been with 50 or 60 guys by the time she found out. Her case was actually handled for free by a lesbian attorney who wanted to establish gya marriage as fully equal to straight marriage and therefore wanted to set precedent on gay adultery. The judge knew it would be setting precedent and therefore wanted her to use an attorney so the case could be used by other spouses.

You might benefit a lot from some of the support groups listed on the SSN website. There are a number of Canadian wives and there is a Swiss woman in Northern California who was similarly displaced by her marriage and is now working to establish her own identity apart from being her husband's partner - going back to school, etc.

When talking to other people, come on strong about gay rights, gay marriage rights (how much better we'd be if they'd married other gays!), and how being gay isn't a choice. THEN talk about how whether you tell your spouse IS A CHOICE. Whether you cheat on your spouse IS A CHOICE. Whether you endanger your spouse's health by fooling around IS A CHOICE. Those are the things, I think, that you find most upsetting. Not all gay spouses are so self-centered, dishonest and lying. Many, because these are people with so much baggage or so little personal insight as to not come out in their teens. Or their 20's. Or their 30's. But there are married gays who are honest with their straight spouses. Who handle separation with compassion. Who consider the kids first and foremost in custody arrangements. He isn't an asshole because he's gay. He's gay. And an asshole. Two separate things.

-David

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