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Date Posted: 16:16:02 10/26/09 Mon
Author: "Olivia"
Subject: This is all so difficult......

Where do I begin? I've been reading many posts and decided to write my own story because I feel like I need all the support and care in the world.
I was dating an amazing guy (we are both in our early thirties now) for close to four years. It seemed like everything was going in the right direction for the first two years and then things started to shift. Our families adopted each other and everything seemed so right. We spoke of marriage numerous times. I knew in my heart that one day we would get married. It was just a matter of time. In fact, every time the topic of marriage came up, HE was the one that brought it up. He found out that he was HIV positive (through an unfortunate work circumstance)and
he had an extremely difficult time telling me. I knew something was off and asked him to share which I could see was tearing him apart. He told me and said that he was so afraid to tell me about this because he was afraid that I would walk away. I never once thought about walking away because I truly believed in what we had and nothing would change my love and support for him. Our respect, trust and love for one other would carry us through. I was grounded in this believe and knew that I had to find out everything that I could about HIV. I sprung into action and searched for a support group in our city all the while he was dealing with this new reality as best he could.
Fast forward a bit and approx. a year later I found out he was cheating on me. There were text messages on his phone that very clearly illustrated to me that something was going on. I tried to keep my cool for the day so that I could try and figure out how to approach this matter. My heart sunk. I didnt know what to do. I approached him about it and he just broke down. He kept saying how he felt like he was lost and so forth. I didn't understand what he was talking about. At the time, I though he was just completely struggling with his diagnosis, but, in actuality, when I look back on this now, he was struggling with being gay.
We broke up last year because (what I thought) was the reality that he made the conscious choice of being "married" to his work. Well, again, that wasn't it. He knew in his heart that he was gay although at the time, I had no clue. This past year, I have had a strong intuition that has presented itself to me that he is gay. I can honestly say that I have a very good gut instinct on a lot of things and I tend to listen to it because of what has unfolded in recent months. I asked him about this issue several times and of course he always said, "what are you talking about?" He came out and told me the truth 2 months ago and although in a strange sense I am the slightest bit relieved that he finally admitted it, I am struck with such a battle of emotions that I struggle through on a daily basis. I even told him that I felt like I was his "experiment" and now we know the truth. When he first told me, for approx. a week, I felt like I should try and be supportive because within a day of my finding out, his parents found out as well. Everyone is distraught by this and I just simply don't know from what angle to approach this from. I feel SO betrayed that my constant support through his diagnosis and everything have just been used I feel. The amount of deception and lies is too much for me. I have kept in contact with him thinking in some strange way that things will somehow change. That my feelings will somehow change. But they haven't.
I feel so strongly that he dragged me into the closet with him....except I didn't know it at the time. He does know how hurt I feel.....but I feel like I want him to stand in my shoes and see how I REALLY feel. I understand that he faced a HUGE backlash from his family and others if he came out. That's why he played this game so long. I understand that aspect of it but is still doesn't make it right. Please, if anyone has any words of advice, I would welcome them greatly! He has a ton of resources to choose from in this matter.....but what about us? The other side? As a woman, I just feel so betrayed. I have virtually no trust in anyone anymore because I trusted him more than I've trusted anyone else. How do I pave a path to get to a better place? I know I'm not naive but how do I explain to myself whether our relationship was real at any point? When I think about this, even more doubt sets in....... :(
If you would like to email me, please let me know.

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