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Date Posted: 16:02:56 11/14/09 Sat
Author: Steve
Subject: Can't move on

I’m not sure if anyone can really help me with this but I’ll post it up anyway. I’ll be as brief as I can.

My wife of 16 years (who I met in church) came out as gay about six years ago after I basically caught her frequenting lesbian chat rooms on the internet and telling people on line that she had sex with a girlfriend.

I sat on the information for a few days but then suggested that we needed to talk. During that talk she ended our marriage. No discussion. No second chances. No trying to fix it. It was simply over. She had obviously been preparing for that moment for a while.

I was devastated. I had loved and trusted her completely. I know people say those words sometimes and may not mean them but I did... and I do. What was happening was simply beyond my comprehension. It was like a nightmare but instead of it being there only when I slept I woke to it every day.

She took full responsibility for her actions saying that I ‘did nothing wrong’ and that ‘any woman would be lucky to have me’. All I could think was ‘then why don’t you want me?’ Having said that I know that I was not the ‘perfect’ husband. Not that I had affairs or anything like that but I could have been more considerate at times.

We stayed in the same house for another three months. We have 2 children so either of us simply moving out suddenly was not really an option. She did however move to the spare bedroom. It was that three months that did the damage to me emotionally because during that time she would get on the phone to her internet ‘fling’ while I lay in bed going slowly but surely insane. Her emotional cruelty during that period is what I think I will NEVER understand. That she could conduct her ‘affair’ while I was physically in the house is something I will never comprehend. She could have at least phoned her when I was at work.

I moved out after three months because she said she needed ‘space’ to figure out what she wanted and I thought if she stayed in the house there would be less financial pressure on her and she might be better able to think without worrying about money.

While I was obviously devastated most people around me thought I was handling things ‘ok’. I have always been like that... calm on the outside regardless of what is going on inside. My sisters call me ‘the calm one’. I got an apartment and immediately starting co-parenting our boys for 50% of the time. I kept my business running although there is no denying I was only about 50% productive and relied heavily on my business partners. The reality is however that I was broken inside.

A severe depression followed for which I took anti-depressants for about 18 months. They helped me sleep at least. I was deeply suicidal to the point where I would fantasize about the freedom and peace that it would bring. I’m sorry to say it but the prospect of suicide actually brought me joy. I went to a very, very dark place in my mind. Others who have been there will know what I mean. The only reason I am alive today is because I could not stand the idea of my sons being raised within the gay ‘culture’. I guess if that was my only reason for living it was a good thing but sometimes I feel like I have only made the decision to live for the sake of others and not for myself.

Therein lays my problem I guess and the reason I am posting this. I have found it impossible to fall out of love with my ex-wife. In an attempt to ‘get on with my life’ I have essentially cut off all communication with her unless it is about our children but she still haunts my dreams way, way too often. I wish I could ‘be a man about it’ and just move on once and for all.

I have been seeing another lady who loves me very much but I still can’t get my ex out of my head. My new partner does not know that I have this ‘problem’ but I know it’s not fair that half of my heart is still with my ex who neither wants it nor deserves it. There is some kind of blockage there that won’t allow me to let her go even though I want to and know that I have to. There is of course no going back so why can’t I move on?

If anyone has any thoughts I would appreciate it. Please don’t feel the need to address the ‘suicide stuff’. I am past that (thank goodness) so please don’t worry.

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