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Date Posted: 22:06:04 09/02/09 Wed
Author: p
Subject: Re: Husband of 34 years reveals he's Gay
In reply to: Diana 's message, "Husband of 34 years reveals he's Gay" on 14:40:27 09/01/09 Tue

Welcome.

Yes, there IS life after this, even if you're over 50.
Knowing the truth is a huge gift, although it may not seem so wonderful at the moment.

He has admitted that he's gay. He's gay.
Why would you want him to identify (now) as bisexual if he's already come out? It changes nothing other than perhaps make you feel as though there is some glimmer of hope for the relatinship.

You did nothing wrong. You were a good and faithful wife.
He didn't choose his orientation.
He chose his behavior.
Not all married closeted gay men cheat. Mine didn't. Those who do are an insult to those who don't, but that's only my opinion. If my husband could resist the urge for thirty years of marriage, yours could too. He chose otherwise.

You're in shock.
You're not ready yet to see that this took great courage.
I wish he had told you first, then allowed you to be a part of the conversation when he told your sons. Again, a choice; he chose otherwise. This is VERY difficult for adult sons. Ours were 17 and 24 when their father came out.
Although it has been 12 years ago, they are still quite resentful about the deception for what was essentially their entire lives. They don't care that he's gay. They care that he has made hurtful choices post-disclosure.

When the shock subsides, and it will, you will hopefully be able to see that whatever the catalyst was for him telling the truth, at least he did. He did you a huge favor. As you go about the painful process of peeling away the layers of what you have described as a "perect" marriage, I would submit that you may come to feel differently. Like you, people thought we were the perfect couple. We were not. Ask our children. Your sons were not surprised, I'll bet; not when they've had time to think about it. Ours weren't, actually no one was, not even me,
with great therapy and the passage of time.

He's gay. I'm sorry that you're hurting.
Get to your attorney and determine what your options are. Be proactive in the parts of your life that you can control.

There is a definite grieving process in all of this. It is very much akin to a death. ALlow yourself those emotional steps. It's normal and natural.

Know that you're not alone and you've done nothing wrong.

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Replies:

  • Re: Husband of 34 years reveals he's Gay -- CANDACE (EMPATHETIC), 16:12:48 09/03/09 Thu
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