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Date Posted: 23:54:05 09/07/09 Mon
Author: Dan (lost in feelings)
Subject: 30 years and changed

Hello, It has been four months now since my wife and her girl friend asked me to be ok with them being together. My wife had met her at a retreat and they started talking. The talking got deep and they decided that they should talk more. My wife called it intimacy work and said that it was for our benefit. We got together in high school 30 years ago and now have a child starting collage and one in high school. We both new 10 or fifteen years ago that something was not there like in out younger days. My wife tried hormone shots, and diets but just did not have a sexual attraction to me. She had several surgeries along the way and together we got through. About two months ago my wife had her appendix out and I found myself in a corner of the hospital room while her friend was rubbing her arm and face and generally taking my place. It was very uncomfortable as there was also other non family around at the time. Well every Tuesday they take turns going back in forth between the 200 miles they are apart. I started with a councilor about six weeks ago to deal with my own issues of a bad growing up but have also realized that I had always appeased her over the years. I would hold back my feelings and let her do what she wanted with the idea that if she was happy I would be happy also. I also got to where I would say to her that one day of love from her could last me six months and it was getting to that extreme. Now before I go on several years a go we tried some swapping in an effort to spice things up since we had only been with each other. It went well except for one incident and then things were just stopped cold. During those several outings I saw her very happy at the time and then afterward not want to talk about it at all. In my heart I new she had a tendency to like older women as close friends and have watched her become obsessive with a new girl friend for up to six months and then watch her back off and things would go back to normal. Looking back now I see this pattern over several girl friends and I would just wait it out, the children would also see this pattern and start saying ok she is talking to … again or doing email again.
Well last week my councilor said that I should get to a marriage councilor soon as I was now able to feel again and start to take back control of my life. She said no and did not feel it was necessary as we are talking openly between us. She then went to a weekend work shop where the other lady was an instructor. She has done this three times now and each time she comes back and is a little more open about her being a lesbian. This time was different as she now says that she still loves me and nothing has changed except that now my worst fears have come true as she acknowledges that she has no sexual feelings for me anymore. This I kind of already knew when last week we were together and she was just not there. Then when I said here friends name her body just became relaxed and she enjoyed herself.
We are now trying to see where to go next. She has asked me to try to find someone on the net to take care of my needs, but that just doesn’t seam like the best solution. From a lot of crying I see my options as divorce, or live a life where my wife doesn’t want to touch me in a sexual way. She says those are extreme options and just wants to let things settle. We are still great friends but I have two voices talking to me one says my heart is broken and the other is happy she is “happy being in her own skin now”. We have no close family and may casual bi friends so the idea has not been new to us. She has not told anyone else yet but rumors are starting to go around as she works in the martial arts area and is spending a lot of time with her friend. So where am I headed?

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