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Date Posted: 15:36:54 09/13/09 Sun
Author: Ava (Confused and depressed)
Subject: Floundering in my decision.

I found this board last week and was amazeded that there was a name for the relationship I am in. I am a single mom of 3 kids, was married to a liar and an alcoholic. Leaving him was hard and messy and he still makes life difficult for me and the kids. I met my current boyfriend soon after leaving my husband. My life was a mess at that time and a friend introduced me to him. We started dating and all was pretty good. His sex drive was incredibily low and that was an issue early on. A few months into the relationship he broke down crying one night saying that his low drive has ruined all of his relationships, including his marriage and he was sorry. I did my best to comfort him and tried to understand even though it was hard for me as I am a higher drive person. So we muddled along becomming closer and closer as friends, my kids got to know him and he is great with them. He has a grown son from a previous relationship. Finally I decided to trust him and not let my past interfere with my future relationships but I always had a nagging feeling something was amiss.
One night I ended up snooping about 7 mnths into the relationship and cracked his em. My bad for snooping I know. Well I thought I was going to find out he was seeing another woman and that was why he was not interested in sex with me. His inbox had pages of messages from craigslist men seeking men. As I read through someof them I realized he was bi. He was looking for random hookups to perform oral sex. His messages stated he was bi, but not out and unable to host as he had a gf and a son.
I freaked out a bit then called him and had him come over so we could talk. He cried the whole night as he explained it to me and told me I was the only person in his world that knew. He talked of the shame and guilt, and told me how much he loved me and that since he was with me he had not cheated physically it was only online and phone contact. He said he was not romantically attracted to men,and had never had "sex" with a man. I was devestated and confused and did not know what to do, so I took a leap of faith and we drew up parameters of no more craigslisting, and the online forums had to go and we decided we loved each other enough to stay together.

Fast foward a few months and I let him move in with me. Our little sex life seemed to drop off to non existant at that point. A few months later I did some more looking and found the same stuff online occurring. We almost broke up but he cried and cried and begged me not to leave him, promised he would stop. And again I stayed with him.

Things were good for a few months more and the same story happened again. He addmitted to me that he had cheated on me early on in the relationship he thinks "once" and that he is sorry that he keeps posting. That night when I approached him, he seemed ready with a canned response like he knew I would catch him. I was in a fragile spot emotionally as my dad had just passed away and I was left in charge with all the arrangements. Needless to say I was on a verbal attack with him that night, I am usually more of a talker that a shouter. He told me everything I had found was from earlier and that he had been doing a lot of soul searching and knew he loved me and had never been happier than being here with me and becomming part of my family and that he decided that it would all stop permently. I asked him why the hell he had not figured that out when he moved in with me? I cried over the fact that I let my children love him, and I did not know how to send him away and let another man dissappear from their lives. I was a wreck and could not fathom losing another person in my life right after my dad died. He promised me a million things and I wanted to believe it would be true so I stayed.

And the summer was good, we became even better friends, and even though the lack of sex here was hard for me, I decided that we had made it through so much and he was my best friend that I would stay. From the outside we look like the perfect couple. People are always asking us when we are getting married.
And of course as of last wk I found another post on Craigslist. He changed all his em accounts and has 2 secret ones so I check up on him just by reading CL. And I found the post. When I confronted him he lied to me for 2 hours before he admitted it.
I know realize that this will never change, and as I reread this I am embarrassed because I look and feel like an idiot for staying here. It looks bad and it sounds bad, but I have been holding on to the otherside of us, the good side. But now that is no longer enough for me.

I want out, I want to be single and just live my life with my kids. I am tired of feeling so depressed and so ashamed of myself for allowing myself to be treated this way. Over and Over I have told him, I have no problem with him being Bi-sexual, I can accept that, but monogamy is monogamy and that being bi is not an excuse for lying and cheating. For some reason, telling him it is over is so hard for me. I feel like I am betraying him and not being able to accept him for who he is, but I can'nt stay here either. This is eating me up alive.
At this point we are at an impasse. I told him I realized that if I stay this will be my forever and that it is too damaging to me and that I will be leaving here if not now then in the near future, that I had to figure it all out in my head. He told me he did not know if his posting would stop, but that he promised me he had not cheated on me.
No one in my world understands why I am here at all and I do feel all alone in this. Thanks for reading if you have made it this far.
Ava

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