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Date Posted: 20:02:41 07/13/09 Mon
Author: difflurker
Subject: Re: Is My wife having an emotional affair with her best girl friend of 25 years??
In reply to: Tim 's message, "Re: Is My wife having an emotional affair with her best girl friend of 25 years??" on 05:25:01 07/12/09 Sun

Sorry for the delay had a busy weekend.

“Thanks for the input difflurker,I kinda expected some cruel critisism.I had no hard feelings toward gays before this,just thought they had they're own issues that did'nt involve me or my family.In my mind this was something that took place before marriage and kids ever came into play at a much younger age and maybe without the long term relationship.Before I forget,I'm Not always good at catching phrases so explain to me what you meant by glossing it over.”

I meant for her to act like nothing bad has happened as a way to get around everyone’s bad emotions (your anger, possibly her guilt, and your kid’s confusion). I.E. Lets pretend we have always been friends when no one has had enough time to work out their feelings. I mean you, your wife and that girlfriend could become the best of buddies, but I sure as heck don’t see that happening right now. I don’t think that glossing it over is a healthy thing to do at this moment regardless of everyone’s views on the situation.

“also like to know if you would be willing to open up and tell me a little about the parental figures in your childhood,but only if you feel comfortable in doing so.”

I was raised by my mom and my grandmother. My mom was in the process of divorcing my father when she got pregnant. They married young and now that I have meet my dad I can both see what brought them together and what tore it apart. My mom is rather conservative and to this day still feels guilt about not being able to hold her vow. She and he tried to work it out but when she got pregnant and he gave no support that killed it. My father on the other hand was absent. My mom was able to get a good job and my grandma was always home. So a lot of the chaos of being in a single parent home was not present.

I think that childhood might influence what sorts of people we choose to love, but not their gender. In my case having an absent father I thought lots of gay men would have this problem. I was wrong there, when I went to a gay youth group I was the odd one out. Most of the guys had two parents and it was a 50/50 which parent would be the one they would like the least. I think that if there is any truth to it, it probably goes more like gay acting child (i.e. not into boy things and into girly things) makes it hard for dad to relate and therefore daddy becomes distant. I mean can you imagine relating to a boy that wants to go shopping over playing sports?

I think a person might choose older men as a way to make up for the father figure, but I think you kind of have to like men first. In your case I think she could indeed have a codependent relationship with this woman, but she would need to have a certain amount of attraction to women to allow this relationship to develop in the first place. i.e. If she was more than 90% straight this probably would not have happened.


As for how fast things developed two possibilities either they have meet before or they are pushing it too fast. “Butch” might have known about your wife’s lesbian inclination the moment they meet. There is a thing jokingly called gaydar where a gay guy can pick out another gay guy in a crowd. It is a sense that a person is probably gay. Mine is not so good. Better than the average straight person but far from 100% and mine does not work on lesbians. So “Butch” had a little head up in this situation.

Also attraction can work like that. There was a straight guy I used to work with and he was extremely cute. I was attracted the instant I saw him. He knew I was attracted to him because I had a case of elevator eyes. I stepped off the elevator with nothing on my mind then was instantly distracted by him. I had to shake my head to snap out of it.

The thoughts I used to have about him were more than just want to see him nude. I used to get such a positive vibe around this guy that I used to worry about unfairly favoring him. He once complained about his back and suddenly I wanted to get him a hot water bottle and make it better (i.e. WTF??). I mean if he wasn’t attractive to me I might have felt sympathy but to want to nurse him back to health, juzz! I used to joke that this guy could have gotten access to my bank account in about a month. Some how I think that if the feelings I felt for him were mutual, I can’t see either of us wanting to hit the brake on the relationship.

As for psychopath, don’t know. I really can’t say what motivated a lesbian to go for a married woman in this way. I know in heterosexual situations single women go for married men sometimes because they want a “husband” but for some reason don’t want to risk a single guy. Sort a they want to be his wife not someone else’s.

I wish I knew some lesbians, that could come here but I don’t. As for “Butch” don’t harm her she isn’t worth it. Butch indeed is playing a very dangerous game. I once knew one gay former husband whose wife pulled a gun out on him when she caught him with a man. He had to run down the street naked. (Oddly enough he and wife are good friends now). So yes, Butch might get hurt that way.

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