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Date Posted: 19:14:54 07/16/09 Thu
Author: Kevin (Determined)
Subject: Re: Is My wife having an emotional affair with her best girl friend of 25 years??
In reply to: Linda 's message, "Re: Is My wife having an emotional affair with her best girl friend of 25 years??" on 16:22:42 07/16/09 Thu

Underlying failures: Insecurity, Poor self esteem, needy, leading to being a 'fixer', resulting in unconciously seeking and attracting needy people, resulting in a codependent relationship. Fear, leading to an inability to let go of even a bad relationship. Total result: Depression.

I have had 2 relationships. Both were with abused women. I am tired of being a knight looking for a damsel in distress (I actually proposed to my gay ex in this way, riding a horse, shield, sword etc), next time I want to be a king fit for a true queen. By becoming a confident, secure, whole person, living without fear, I will aim for and attract a similar mate. It is very unlikely that a closeted person will exhibit those traits.

The above has fuelled my determination to avoid being bitter, and to forgive. The person I most need to forgive is myself. I made bad decisions. I stuck in the relationship when I should have ended it, I accepted and accomodated unreasonable demands, I failed to set boundaries and got walked all over, I didnt love and respect myself enough and did not treat myself well, I did not set a good example for my son.

All of the above did, and would have caused problems, gay or not. Whilst the problems in the relationship were, as it turned out, rooted in her supression/confusion/emergence, I bought into it. 'gay trumps all' - theres no way that we are to blame for the collapse of our relationships - You can't succeed at an impossible thing. But, that doesn't take away the fact that many of 'us' share similar traits.

There are many women - and men, who discover that they have unknowingly dated more than one gay partner. What I'm suggesting is that whilst we dont do it deliberately, something in our psyche calls to them. This may simply be our giving natures, our self sacrificing generosity. In future I intend to be a much stronger partner, still giving and generous of spirit, but also entitled to demand equality and a return of that. Any future gay partner will be unable to do that, and therefore will be 'weeded out' very quickly.

I am entitled, I demand, I expect to love and BE LOVED IN RETURN. We ALL deserve this.

In the latest star trek film, Kirk is told 'you can live a LESS THAN ordinary life' and 'I DARE you to do better'. Well, what I had with my ex, despite my love for her, WAS a less than ordinary life. I dare me to do better.

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