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Date Posted: 06:18:36 05/22/16 Sun
Author: ZWalker
Subject: Re: Sexual abuse as a young boy and TGT
In reply to: Casseopia 's message, "Sexual abuse as a young boy and TGT" on 16:37:11 05/18/16 Wed

Hi. I'm intentionally not reading what anyone else has to say here before posting this, so if my thoughts are in repeat I apologize in advance.

My H is a child sexual abuse survivor who was abused by his older brother, the golden child of their family. The dynamic made H feel as if he could not tell anyone because they would not believe him. The abuse went on for about 4 years.

I've done a LOT of research, participated in support forums for family of abuse survivors and the bottom line is, yes when a child is traumatized in such a way they carry a lot of guilt and shame. It follows them throughout their lives until their glass can't hold a drop more. Acting out or rather reenacting the abuse to where they have a semblance of control is very common for the male survivor.

Personally, I hung in there and it's been ten years since I realized that my H was trying to hook up with men for encounters. Things had to get messy, they had to completely fall apart before he began to swim up from that horrible place. I set strong boundaries, even threw him out at one point...but he needed a reality check, he needed to see what he would lose if he was unwilling to do the work for a better life.

The absolute truth, only you can decide what is best for you. It's a horrible thing that happened to your husband and there is a term called secondary victimization which happens to those who are close to a survivor and are exposed to the after effects of their abuse. After effects may include anger, addictions, sexual acting out, physical/emotional abuse (towards you and your children if you have kids), road rage, depression, withdrawal, the old push-pull emotional sea-saw (push you away, pull you back in), and an absolute need for control.

For many, "run" is the best advice ever. For me, all I could think about was how if I were in my H's shoes, what I would hope for him to do on my behalf? Would I want him to leave me or would I want him to kick me in the butt so that I moved heaven and earth to work through my issues?

One more thing, I was told by a couple of therapists that under normal sexual development, most go through a process to where they realize (as we all do) their sexual identity. When someone abuses a child, that process is interrupted. The abuse survivor believes that they somehow asked for the abuse to happen so therefore the abuser must have sensed that they were gay all along. Of course this is untrue but this notion simmers for years until the survivor finds themselves drawn back in.

My H was triggered when our child turned 10. It was the same age he was when his brother began to abuse him. He fell apart at the seams because he saw how young and innocent our 10 year old was and he realized how much he had stolen from him AND then my H's mom died. Somehow it all became the perfect storm.

There are no easy answers and sexuality is a very complicated thing especially when a person was abused.

I truly sympathize with you for all that you have faced or are facing.

My relationship with H is different now. We are more connected emotionally but, BUT, I will always wonder if I did the right thing in staying...not for him, but for me and our family.

I guess in the end, where we land is exactly where we should be.

Good luck to you,
Zombie Walker

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