Re: How long -- Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

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Date Posted: 01:03:05 05/24/16 Tue
Author: Lake Breeze (Can so relate.)
Subject: Re: How long
In reply to: Sue 's message, "Re: How long" on 23:52:33 05/23/16 Mon

I wonder if teen girls don't have an especially hard time with this. My husband has never come out, but the kids seemed to have known that something was wrong, and they both said things to me about having a sense that we were not a "normal" family. At that time, I had inklings that he was gay, but had not solidified the idea in my mind, so I did not say anything to my daughters. Subsequently, he decided to leave after getting a fake girlfriend to cover for the fact that he was actually having an affair with (and moved in with) a man. At that time, my kids thought he had a girlfriend, because I had been so horrible to him, that he was driven to her, and they thought the man he moved in with was just a single friend of his who had offered him a room in his house when he really needed one (because I was such a witch). The kids had fun visiting him there and would talk about the "bachelor pad" their father shared with this other man, and how they didn't even know to have soap dishes with cute little soaps, etc. They seemed to really enjoy giving him female homemaking tips and found the whole situation something of a new amusing adventure. (They were about 18 and 20 then.) They had no idea he was living with his lover! I don't know if to this day, they really know what that relationship was, but since they never talk to me, I have know way of knowing. I think that original sense they both told me about feeling that "something was wrong" must still be there. I just don't know if they have finally figured it out like I did - it took me years after our divorce to finally put it all together. Again, they do seem to have to do it on their own terms. They are just as gaslit and confused as any of us. Mine just seem to worship their dad, and take all of the anger over the whole failed marriage out on me - buying his story of me having just been such an awful wife, he had to leave.

I hope things work out with your daughter, Sue. At least she knows, and has a framework within which to view it all. I think we just have to remain that constant parent who is there for them through thick and thin; who they know they can go to when it really matters, and hope for the best. I don't think my kids really hate me and don't care, I think they are just confused and overwhelmed and this distance works for them now. I think it is the more steady and reliable parent that gets the majority of the anger and rage from the kids; just because they are steady and reliable. I actually do not believe mine are all that sure of their relationship with their father, and they don't want to rock any boats with him. It might be a similar situation with your teenage daughter.

Hang in there, I think it will get better!

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