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Date Posted: 04:41:46 05/26/16 Thu
Author: Susan
Subject: A familiar pattern

Sound familiar? I'm from a broken home: alcoholic father and manic depressive mother. I grew up keeping secrets, hiding my emotions, or living in denial. I met a boy and thought we had a connection. I was in L-O-V-E...or so I thought. Like my dad, this boy had big problems and lots of secrets but it felt familiar and I took that for attraction.

We were best friends and only I truly understood him. We didn't have much sexual chemistry but he was really good at helping me look my best (RED FLAG!). We were SOUL MATES. We married but on my wedding night sex was out of the question ("Too TIRED" he said.) Wasn't I supposed to have great sex on my wedding night? This was just one of many disappointments.

The emotional connection was there but there was ZERO physical chemistry. Instead of sex there were just excuses and then no sex at all. We'd fidget and laugh nervously during sex scenes on television. I saw passion on screens but never had it in my bedroom. But we were still in LOVE...weren't we?

Then came the internet. The beginning of the end. He started acting nervous and shifty when on his computer. Pages got minimized when I entered the room and he laughed a little too loudly or nervously. I grew suspicious. I'd seen my dad act this way when he denied drinking for the umpteenth time to my mom. I new what I was seeing: LIAR! I couldn't put my finger on it but the pieces were coming together.

My suspicions led to investigation. I started looking for PROOF. Was he having an affair (with a woman of course)? He had a job that required frequent travel. I eventually found the emails, the websites, and the truth. It was like the letters coming together in a game of scrabble. The word was always there and I just had to put it together. The word was G-A-Y. And the sad fact was that I'd always known. I just couldn't put it together for some reason...or didn't want to.

Confrontation with him yielded nothing. He was more in denial than I was. How could I get the truth from a man who had lied his entire life? He was stronger than me and convinced me our relationship was ok. For a brief period, things got better. He romanced me. We took trips. I got gifts. I so wanted to believe him but it was a fantasy. I was dying inside. This was familiar territory because I'd lived in DENIAL-LAND my entire childhood. "My dad doesn't have a drinking problem?" I switched my love from my dad to my husband. I also changed secrets. Rather than hiding alcoholism, I was hiding my husband's homosexuality. I was exhausted and fell into a very deep DEPRESSION.

My husband continued to lie until the proof overwhelmed us both. I read the emails and saw the websites. No straight man would do these things. Eventually he came clean: "I'm gay" he told me one spring evening. My world collapsed. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, he changed. The kind and loving man I knew became an angry, sex-crazed teenager. Three months after coming out, he told me he'd met THE ONE. It was as if I'd been punched in the stomach. I had no words. I had NO AIR. I was DYING.

Was I going crazy? He blamed me for EVERTYHING. I never gave him enough attention. I wasn't sexy enough. He had no choice but to divorce me because of everything I did WRONG. I was afraid of him and so tired that I bought it all. We went to therapy together and the shrink took his side! What? He's the victim? Maybe I didn't work hard enough to save my marriage. Maybe I am unattractive. Maybe I should have loved him more. Why isn't anyone taking care of me? Wait just a f*cking minute.

Then I got ANGRY...really f*cking ANGRY. And my anger gave me two things: clarity and confidence. I realized no one was going to fight for me but me...especially not the experts he'd recruited to say we had to stay together. What exactly was I fighting for? To stay married to this *SSHOLE? No no no no. He's the cheater. He's the closet case. He's the liar. The only thing I'm guilty of is being too kind. We separated and I went through emotional withdrawal. He was my drug: never enough and life-threatening. But I got CLEAN. Despite everything I'd learned my whole life, I made a CHOICE. I no longer needed a broken man to fix. I was no longer than WOMAN.

He continued to play his games, first with me and then with my kids. Finally, I stopped keeping his secrets. I stopped protecting him. "We divorced because he's GAY. End of story." That put an end to the games. And when he tries to slither his way back into my mind, I'm right there with an axe ready to cut his F*CKING fork-tongued head off. I no longer play games. I got game by living THE TRUTH.

So this is my story. Given my upbringing, I was destined to marry a broken man and I did. I kept his secrets until they became life-threatening. When things got dangerous, I had two choices: stay with him and die; or choose me and live. I chose me and I'll never regret it.

Thanks for reading and thank you to all the brave men and women who have helped me learn so much about myself. Good luck to all of us!

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