Re: A familiar pattern -- Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

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Date Posted: 20:24:22 05/26/16 Thu
Author: BryonM (great post!)
Subject: Re: A familiar pattern
In reply to: Susan 's message, "A familiar pattern" on 04:41:46 05/26/16 Thu

Susan,

Your story set all my bells ringing. The process is so similar, even if the details are different. My ex and I blended as naturally as salt and pepper. We were a matching set. We complemented and offset each other. We served each others' needs until we no longer did. My ex grew up in the Deep South (USA) in the Bible Belt, very strict, literal, fundamentalist upbringing. I grew up, son of a pastor in the most liberal branch of Lutherans.

How did we fit together? I was safe for her: religious but open-minded and accepting of different beliefs; "judge not, lest ye be judged." For me, she was the woman I could rescue from her strict and judgmental upbringing, and bring her to enlightenment. We shared university, intellectual pursuits, passion for history, art and music. We questioned our upbringings and our faith. In short, we were a match. One could almost say, a match made because of a belief in heaven.

"The emotional connection was there but there was ZERO physical chemistry." Ding-ding-ding!

" ...I'd always known. I just couldn't put it together for some reason...or didn't want to." Ding-ding-ding! Looking back now the signposts are so evident, and so is the part I played too, however blindly and naively (heroically, is what I thought). She was fascinated by a female student in my music class. She followed the women's basketball team a little too closely, even though she didn't play and we didn't know anyone on the team. That sounds like stereotyping, which is why I was willing to overlook it, but... there it was, right from the start.

"I stopped keeping his secrets. I stopped protecting him. "We divorced because he's GAY. End of story."" Ding-ding-ding! I had to learn to say this one without bitterness or anger, as matter-of-factly as I could, and that took me quite a while, along with a few harsh (and humiliating) personal learning experiences.

Now I try to say it as a simple statement of fact: "the sky is blue, the sun is warm, the ocean is wet, my ex is a lesbian, the grass is green, I have to wash the car today..." I didn't realize the damage I might have been causing when I was directing my anger (hurt, really) all over the place instead of focusing it where it belonged.

And with a slight adjustment, this one fits too: "Despite everything I'd learned my whole life, I made a CHOICE. I no longer needed to RESCUE anybody except MYSELF." Ding-ding-ding-ding! Just like they say on the airplane pre-flight announcement: PUT YOUR OWN MASK ON FIRST, before you try to help anyone else.

Hard to undo all that childhood training, isn't it?

I'd love to see a thread or a section of the site where we can list our own "blind spots," once we become aware of them... even if we did it anonymously... for at least two reasons. Firstly, because there is something about writing them down that makes them real; I find that when I write it, it goes away very quickly, because I've admitted it and owned it, and then it no longer has any power over me. Secondly, because I think if we shared our blindspots, we'd probably recognize some in others that apply to ourselves that we hadn't noticed before, or weren't ready to own, or at least it might plant the seed, or we might even look at it and say, "yep, been there, done that."

Your post gave me a lot to think about, Susan, thanks!

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Replies:

Byron! -- Still wondering, 11:04:11 05/27/16 Fri