Feels like I'm dying -- Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

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Date Posted: 06:22:38 05/29/16 Sun
Author: Josie (Sad)
Subject: Feels like I'm dying

I met my boyfriend in highschool and I loved him the first time I saw him. He supported me through college and I got my nursing degree. Now I'm 34 and we have a 1.5 year old beautiful daughter. Last September I was snooping through his phone. I noticed something different about him, he wasn't sleeping much and just seemed...different. I found he had a fake Yahoo account. I got into his account and found messages to and from gay/bi/transgender men looking for sex. I felt a physical pain I can't explain. I was shocked. There were no signs. He's a hard working man. We had sex regularly. He doesn't "act" gay. Lots of friends, beer drinking buddies. I confronted him and he denied. I kicked him out, he agreed to go. As the days and weeks passed, he finally admitted he had been using meth with people at work and the meth caused the behavior. He swore it was the first and last time. He cried, he begged. He missed myself and our daughter. I let him come home. I loved him and wanted to believe him. I started snooping through his phone regularly and everything seemed back to normal, so I stopped. It was exhausting. 2 weeks ago I snooped again. I found more Craigslist activity and another fake Yahoo account. I am devastated. I want to die. We're now living separate. I text him everyday telling him how much I hate him. Cursing him, calling him things I shouldn't. He never replies with anything except he misses us and he is not gay. It takes everything in me not to tell him how much I love and miss him, because I still do. But I'm disgusted and I hate him at the same time. I haven't let him see our daughter. I'm broken. Some days I feel I can't care for her. I cry continuously. It's hard to get out of bed, to go to work and care for people when I can't care for myself. I love him so much. I know he loves me, I feel it in my soul. I can't be with a man who wants to be with other men. I can't imagine a life where I have to be paranoid at all times. I also can't imagine my life without him and don't want to go on if he's not here. He would kiss me goodbye every morning. Text me through the day asking how I'm doing. Always. How could he do this to us? I feel a piece of me is gone. I'm broken. I can't talk to anyone about it. I'm embarrassed and I still love this man. Please help me.

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Replies:

Re: Feels like I'm dying -- Ruby, 08:53:48 05/29/16 Sun
- Re: Feels like I'm dying -- Josie, 16:15:03 05/29/16 Sun
  - Re: Feels like I'm dying -- Kat, 16:46:00 05/29/16 Sun
  - Re: Feels like I'm dying -- Ruby (You are not his mother), 17:06:03 05/29/16 Sun
  - Re: Feels like I'm dying -- Kat, 02:51:38 05/30/16 Mon
    - Re: Feels like I'm dying (NT) -- WendiT (So true!), 11:38:49 05/30/16 Mon
Re: Feels like I'm dying -- Laurence (Time out), 10:59:43 05/29/16 Sun
- Re: Feels like I'm dying -- Vicky, 11:38:47 05/29/16 Sun
  - Re: Feels like I'm dying -- Josie, 15:54:05 05/29/16 Sun
    - Re: Feels like I'm dying -- Vicky, 10:32:27 05/30/16 Mon
- Re: Feels like I'm dying -- Josie (Lost), 16:40:31 05/29/16 Sun
  - Re: Feels like I'm dying -- Vicky, 12:38:35 05/30/16 Mon
Re: Feels like I'm dying -- Rob (Snooping), 11:38:18 05/29/16 Sun
Re: Feels like I'm dying -- lily, 13:01:46 05/29/16 Sun
Re: Feels like I'm dying -- Abby (Welcome and sorry you're here), 16:58:25 05/29/16 Sun
Re: Feels like I'm dying -- Susan (So sorry you're here), 18:36:31 05/29/16 Sun
Re: Feels like I'm dying -- Anne (so sorry), 23:11:15 05/29/16 Sun
- Re: Feels like I'm dying -- Abby, 11:56:56 05/30/16 Mon
  - Re: Feels like I'm dying -- PrivateGal, 04:20:05 05/31/16 Tue
    - Re: Feels like I'm dying -- Still Wondering (credit reports), 23:28:58 05/31/16 Tue
      - Re: Feels like I'm dying -- Abby, 08:47:13 06/01/16 Wed
      - Credit Info. -- PrivateGal, 02:10:25 06/03/16 Fri