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Subject: 記得我們有約


Author:
柳橙飄浮
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Date Posted: 03:45:27 04/13/01 Fri


弟弟自殺了,選在我生日那天---四月四日。

從他住的十八樓臥室外的陽台跳下,他之所以住那麼高的樓層,

是因為我的辦公室在十八樓,我覺得風景很好…

很多朋友問我你自殺的可能原因,我或許知道、卻無法肯定地跟外人說。

你的離開就像一場玩笑,沒有遺書、沒有可追蹤的隻字片語,就像你一向的作風,說來就來了、一轉眼就無法知道你的去向。

大學即將畢業的時候,你在深夜打電話給我,

嚴肅地問我:『姊姊,你覺得自殺的靈魂都到哪裡去?』隨後開朗地笑了出來,問我:『憂鬱的少年都是這樣說話的吧?』

以為你就像以前一樣,不過又是找老姐開的玩笑罷了,只是,這場玩笑卻在五天之後成了我一生揮之不去的夢魘。

我常常想起生日那天我做過的每一件事,來對照警察所推策的墜地時間。當你的身體殘破地落在水泥地面的時候,我正在餐廳接受朋友的慶祝、吃川菜。
其中一道是你最愛吃的腸旺…在我有生之年,我想我不會再願意想起它的味道了…

你的書擺在我的書架上,偶爾坐在書架前將書逐一拿來翻,想像你看這些書的心情,多半是旅遊和關係古董的,很像你。
還有很多關於哲學的書,意外地發現我們購買很多相同的書。

我們一向親近,三個弟弟中,我最愛你。沒想到你以這樣的方式離開我。

從來不跟我約出遊日期的你,在前年的聖誕節慎重地跟我約在今年四月四日到我最喜歡的山頂看星星,這也是你跟姊姊開的玩笑嗎…

原諒你第一次,也是最後一次的爽約,或者你已經在山上等姊姊了?
你一切好嗎?姊姊很好,只除了常常因為想你而落淚……


((後記:))這是我從一本書上看到的故事,也很久了...(橙~)

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