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Date Posted: 19:40:59 02/07/03 Fri
Author: Diamond Brett Healey
Subject: Crouching Diamond, Hidden Fat ass




*Walking down a long hall is the camera man, on either side there are doors witch don’t seem much of importance. The camera is focused on the large double doors at the end of the hall. There are stars all around it, but we can’t quite read what is written on it yet. As the camera gets closer, there can be seen another hall going across the screen where the doors are. The camera is right up to the door now, and zooms in on the writing on the door, it says “Auditions for Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon 2”. Then the cameraman pushes the door open with his hands. He walks in and there is a lady standing on a stage (speaking in English) giving instructions to the crowd of people sitting on small mettle wrestling chairs. Most of these people are Chinese actors and actresses, but at the very back, of the crowd, is a white man seated on a directors type chair, with wooden legs and a cloth back and bottom. The lady continues to address the people, as the cameraman walks over to the man at the back in his sunglasses and black button shirt. As we get closer, he can be identified as Diamond Brett Healey, not wearing his trademark purple shirt or purple suit. The cameraman squats down next to him. Healey lifts his glasses up revealing a cut above the eyebrow possibly from TJ Raven. He looks annoyed at the cameraman, then speaks softly so the lady up the front cant hear him.*

“What are you doing hear? Who told you where I am? I’m not wearing my silk shirt, and this is the last place anyone would look, so how did you find me hear? Any way, I’m hear trying out for the sequel to ‘Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon’, I thought that with my great smile and athletic wrestling ability, I would make the perfect lead role, with all that sex and ninja stuff.”

*Healey stops talking and listens to the Chinese lady up the front still talking.*

Lady: “Ok ladies and gentlemen, the scene we will be trying you out for first, is the fighting scene where I need one male and one female to fight each other, but they know that there secretly in love. And since Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon the first movie was good, it wasn’t that great, so the whole thing will be shot entirely in English. Ok… how about you two at the front, come up on stage and show me what you’ve got.”

*A man and a lady from up at the front climb up onto the stage and being acting and fighting. Healey begins to comment on this.*

“Oh look at these two, you call that acting? Not one of them are smiling, plus reading from that script leaves nothing to the imagination. As soon as I get up there, I’m gonna blow these Chinese people away. Now you tell me, is that fighting? There punches are barely connecting, and those kicks are nowhere near head height, and what happened to those swords from the first movie? If ya tell me, these guys shouldn’t be lifting a finger, we all know the movie is made up of second-rate special effects.”

*The man and women continue to fight, until they are locked in a kiss at the end. Then they stop and all the people applause, Diamond Brett Healey is clapping very slowly with contempt look on his face. This draws the attention of the lady at the front.*

Lady: “Ok, how about you up the back, yeah you, the big guy, your next, and you’ll be with… hmmm let me see, ah, how about you on the right there, you can act with this man.”

*Healey stays seated for a bit, then an extremely fat lady stands up and walks onto the stage. She looks at Healey at the back and smiles. Healey sits in his chair staring at the fat lady, with his eye’s and mouth wide open. He stands up slowly and walks to the front reluctantly. Then he climbs onto the stage and is handed a script. He looks down at the script and slowly begins to read.*

“We meet again my love, only this place where we can share our love for each other, yet you are my biggest foe, and we must fight to save our self.”

Fat Lady: “I will never love anyone as much as you, but I will never hate anyone as much as you either, so with this punch, I will nock you out of my life forever.”

*The fat lady holds her script in one hand and strikes a punch at Healey with the other, it misses by a foot, but Healey still has his eyes on the script and forgets to fall back from the punch. Then Healey looks up at the fat lady in disgrace, then throw’s the script down and speaks his own words.*

“My love you were never the one for me, your just a fat ass who cant act for crap. I know someone who would make a lovely couple with you, his about your build and cant wait to jump in the sack…jump in the… get close to you. His name is Flabulas. Really he’s a nice bloke, he likes his Chinese food just like you and cant throw a punch just like you, he’s perfect for you.”

*The fat lady stairs at him and frowns, but continues to read from the script like nothing had happened.*

Fat Lady: “As much as I cant resist you, I know I must kill you now.”

*The fat lady struggles to lift her leg up to kick Healey, as she keeps trying to do that, Healey continues.*

“There is no shame in being second to me, Diamond Brett Healey will always be at the top, so at I stand hear before you I give you these words… Lose some weight woman!”

*Healey stares at the lady and laughs, then the announcer lady begins to speak again.*

Lady: “Ok… that wasn’t part of the script, but improvising is good none the less. Ok, next on the script, it says you suppose to kick her in the head then finish the scene off with a kiss.”

“Oh is that all? Alright then, but I’m only kissing her if I get the part.”

*Healey stands back, then he hits the fat lady in the head with a spinning crescent kick. She looks unconscious on the floor, as Healey begins to dance around the stage, then he speaks to all the people.*

“Wow, I didn’t know it was that easy to kick a fat person in the head, I guess this is practice for Flabulas hey? And that brings me back TJ…I don’t know what exactly happened on Glory Raven, but this scar above my eye will be a reminder when we meet at Electromania 4, after four matches in one night, I can still show you what I’ve got left after that, I don’t care what kind of a match it is. On Glory next week, will be a preview, I wouldn’t want to perform to my limit hear to the Beijing people would I?”

*Healey turns around and looks at the fat lady on the floor, then he looks up at the announcer lady and speaks to her.*

“What? She looked tired anyway.”

*Healey jumps down off the stage and takes a seat at the back again as someone escorts the fat lady out. The camera fades black, then comes back on. The 2 people on the stage are kissing at the end of the scene. People clap as they sit back in there seates, then the announcer lady gets onto the stage to announce who gets the parts.*

Lady: “Ok it was tough, but we have 2 lead roles now. The female part goes to someone who showed enormous strength and courage, this part goes to…Miss Cindy Chan!”

*Then the fat lady stands up and shakes the hand of the announcer lady, she looks back at Healey and smiles and waves again, even though Healey put her unconscious. Healey’s Face is stunned, he cant believe it, he lifts up his glasses again and continues to stare shockingly.*

Lady: “Now the male part wasn’t as tough, and he wasn’t as tough either, [crowd laughs] but this man deserves this part above anyone else in this room today. He’s a big man and has shown that he’s not afraid to use athletic ability in this part, so the male role goes to…”

“Ha Ha Ha, I’m sure to win this one, just think about the headlines “Superstar Wrestler Becomes Superstar In Chinese Movie” Its gonna be great.”

Lady: “The role goes to… Majing Yamaguchi!”

“What?! I can kick that little wieners ass any day, how does he get the part?”

*Healey gets up from his chair and storms out of the room and drags the cameraman with him, outside Healey walks down the hall, and out of the building. The camera fades to black.*




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