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Date Posted: 05:59:46 01/18/03 Sat
Author: Diamond Brett Healey
Subject: Kids say the Darnd'st Things

The opening is a large graphic witch reads “Kids Say The Darnd’st Things” in bright flashing colors. Underneath it reads “With Bill Crosby” then its scratched out and then it says “With Diamond Brett Healey”. Once the music had stopped and the audience in the studio has stopped clapping from the ‘APLAUSE’ sign, we can see Brett Healey sitting on a small stool smiling with a mic in his hand. The backdrop is a big purple screen with a diamond on it. He begins to talk.

“Hello Ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome to the all new ‘Kids Say The Darnd’st Things’ With your new host ‘Diamond Brett Healey!’

He pauses but there is no applause so he reaches behind him to press a button to activate the large flashing applause sign witch is comically in full view of the camera.*

“ Our first little fella on the show today, is little Mikey from Pittsburgh Pennsylvania, please welcome him to the stage.”

*Healey putts away his palm cards and waits for the little kid to get up on to the chair, but it is a bit to big for him, so Healey smiles and gets up ready to help him up, but then he calls a guy from off stage to help him onto the chair instead. The audience pauses and Healey begins.*

“Hello Mikey how are ya little fella?”

Mikey: “I’m good Mr. Healey”

“Please, call me Diamond. And how old are you Mikey?”

Mikey: “This many!”

*He holds up 5 fingers in Healeys face. So Healey backs off a bit and then replies.*

“What? Ya got something wrong with your voice or something? Get those grubby little hands out of my face kid. But anyway Mikey, I wanna know what you think about… Wrestling, have you ever seen me wrestle with the other big boy’s?”

Mikey: “No, my mum says that wrestling is bad and that I’m not to watch it.”

*The crowd laugh*

“Well ok…”

Mikey: “Also, my mum says that I’m not allowed to listen to anything Brett Healey says, she says it’s a bad infl...influe…in-flu-ence on me.”

“Mum says, mum says, mum says, hey what doesn’t she say? How am I a bad influene? I’m hear to educate, to make little takers like your self in to people like myself, look how happy I am! Bring on the next kid.”

*And with that, Mikey jumps down off his chair still smiling and waving to the crowd as he walks off. Then a little girl walks on the stage with a pink and white dress and her hair done up nicely, she smiles and jumps onto the chair.*

“Hello what’s your name little girl?”

“Jennifer”

“nice to meet you Jennifer, and how old are you?”

Jennifer: “I’m seven and a half Diamond”

“Please, call me Mr. Healey. Well you’re a big girl aren’t you Jennifer?”

Jennifer: “Yes, I’m in grade one”

“well what do you want to be when you grow up Jennifer?

Jennifer: “A princess”

Yeah whatever, but what’s your favorite TV show?”

Jennifer: “pokemon”

“Pokemon? What the hell is that? That’s not that cheap Japanese cartoon about little guys coming out of a ball and killing each other is it?

Jennifer: “No they don’t kill each other, they just battle, my favorite is Pickachu!”

“Pickapoo hey? Yeah he’s my favorite too, I like it when he gets his guns out and mows all the bad guys down and stuff.”

Jennifer: “No, Pickachu does thunder shock to zap Team Rocket to the sky!”

* Healey pauses for a while looking to each side, then he smiles and talks*

“…Ahh, kids say the Darnd’st thing sometimes don’t they. Well thanks for being on the Show today Jennifer, Are you going to watch me beat the…pokecrap out of Thornhill and Raven this week?”

* Jennifer gets up out of her chair and raises her arms to give Healey a hug.*

“ Ahh, she wants a hug, wadda ya say, should I give her a hug?”

*Healey presses the Applause button, and the crowd all say YES! And clap… So Healey backs off and get’s another one of the people from off stage to give her a hug, then she frowns, and walks off.*

“Ok well we have one more kid on tonight’s show, and I’ve been told that he’s a real special person with…”

*Healey looks down at his cards once more then speaks in shock.*

“An extreme case of ADD?! Oh god, please welcome Andrew everybody.”

*Healey rolls his eyes back as Andrew comes screaming out onto the stage, over weight and obviously full of sugar. He jumps onto the chair and continuously bounces up and down on it.* [He talks very fast]

“Um… Hello Andrew, how old are you?”

Andrew: “I’m six, and your old, your older than six, cos I’m six, I’m six, I’m six!”

“Yeah… Ok, just settle down a bit Andrew, now what do you like to do at home?”

Andrew [still jumping in his chair]: “Did you know I have a sister? And a brother? And a cat? And a dog? And a… Did you know that at home when mum tells me to go to bed, I don’t, and then I run around the house and sometimes I run into my brother and my sister, and then mum gives me my tablets and I go to sleep?”

“Yeah, ok Andrew, I think you might need to take some tablets now, is your mum hear, she might have some…”

Andrew: “ yep, my mum drove me hear, and I took my tablets before I came on, but I think I took too many. Did, you know that I want to be a wrestler when I grow up?

“Ha, yeah what are they gonna call ya, the Hypo-nator?”

Andrew: “ can I show you a move I do on my sister?”

“NO! This shirt is worth way more than you, don’t touch what you can’t afford!”

Andrew: “Ready, I call it the Andrewclutch”

*Andrew jumps up from his chair and clings onto Healey back and starts wriggling around really fast. Healey is trying to grab him while running around the studio, until a lady (mum) grabs him and takes him off the stage.*

“Get that kid out of hear and give him the rest of those pills or something! Now I’ve got ADD germs all over my shirt!”

* Healey looks strait into the camera and continues.*

“Don’t take this as what’s going to happen this Wednesday. Thornhill, Raven and Williams none of you will get the most of me this time, you guys got lucky in Scotland, but me and Kahn Will come out on top again, now I’ve gotta get out of this Kid infested place, I cant stand kids anymore!”

* Healey throws down the mic and on his way out, bumps the Applause button, so the crowd start cheering him off. He stops at the door, turns around and smiles to the cheering audience, thinking there cheering for him. Then he notices the applause sign on, so he turns around and walks off. The graphic comes on again at the end and the show finishes.

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