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Date Posted: 00:58:43 02/08/03 Sat
Author: TJ Raven
Author Host/IP: 224.teknett.com / 12.28.129.224
Subject: Not as funny as the first but worthy of reading

November 2003:

Vince McMahon has gathered his board members: Shane, Linda, and Stephanie McMahon, Jim Ross, Pat Patterson, Jerry Brisco, "The Coach" Jonathan Coachman, bodyguard Farrooq, and several others who either aren't important enough to mention or are being held back for comedic effect. He plans to give them a state of the WWF address and address his, and the company's future.


VINCE: "We are at the greatest time in our company's history right now. The World Wrestling Federation is the greatest and highest grossing entertainment company in the world. We have no competition anymore. We bought and dissolved WCW after one of our former writers booked that company into the grave. By the way, good job destroying the WCW from the inside Vince!"

RUSSO: {in annoying New Yawk accent} "Hey, no problem Vince. Now about that raise..."

VINCE: {interrupting Russo} "We watched ECW limp around for another year or so before they finally folded and any other little indy fed that's draws over twenty fans is under WWF contract. We've got so much power over the fans that we're drawing the biggest buy rates on pay per views in our history with "Naked Mideon" as our world champion!"

JR: "Our ratings will go up even more once the fans are introduced to the tag team of "Naked Viscera" and "Naked Mark Henry!"

VINCE: "And those sports bras that they're going to wear are too much!!! Anyhoo, we have been so successful that Monday Night Football is now known as Wednesday Night Football and the XFL has become the fastest growing sports enterprise in the United States, filling stadiums they thought we could never fill, getting ratings that they said we'd never get, and making money that they said we'd never see. We proved everybody wrong."

SHANE: "That's right dad!"

VINCE: "We even swayed the PTC's Brett Bozell to our side 'somehow' {sarcastically winks at everyone in the room} and regained all of our sponsors at twice the rate they paid before! And I thank each and every one of you here today. But if you know Vince McMahon like I believe all of you in here do, you know that besides being a man of great vision he is a man with ever changing goals. And I have a new one. Any guesses?"

LINDA: "Movie mogul?"

STEPHANIE: "A motivational speaker?"

SHANE: "President of the United States of America?"

VINCE: "Wrong on all counts. I want to be GOD!!!!"

JR: "Uh... God, Vince? That's a pretty lofty goal."

VINCE: "Oh no. Wait a minute, it WAS President. My bad."

JR: "Vince. You know I'm always honest with you..."

VINCE: "That's why I've kept you around after the two times I fired you."

JR: "Yeah. But honestly Vince, while many in the sports and entertainment field love you I'm not sure the general population would be in favor of you as our President. Not that I'm doubting you but how are we going to do this? What's our platform? Is there any way we can work in a plug for my BBQ Sauce?"

VINCE: "There are many similarities between politics and sports-entertainmnet besides the backstage. Running for the President you attend rallies and fundraisers, give speeches, have debates, and shake hands and kiss babies. Now besides the public interaction stuff I can politic the pants off of any politician because we've both been doing the same thing for years: Making people feel emotions so they can react in the appropriate manner."

PATTERSON: "You mean, like crowd manipulation."

RUSSO: {in annoying New Yawk accent} "Yeah like the time I fought Flair in that cage match..."

VINCE: {interrupting Russo} "That's right Pat. Like how we've manipulated the smarks into thinking you're gay!"

PATTERESON: "Yeah, speaking of that. Could we do some kind of angle on t.v. where I'm NOT gay anymore? My wife is growing tired of all of the comments we get on the streets and my kids come home from school in tears every day. My ass is sore from it getting pinched all the time. You got any idea how many queers watch wrestling?!?!"

VINCE: "Yes we do Pat. Why do you think Kurt Angle has been at the top of the card for so long?"

SHANE: "Homosexuals just can't get enough of the guy for some reason."

RUSSO: {in annoying New Yawk accent} "Yeah, in WCW we had Kee Wee, who was this guy..."

VINCE: {interrupting Russo} "So with crowd manipulation we don't need a platform! We tell the people what they want to hear and they lap it up. Meanwhile we have an extensive and aggressive smear campaign on George W. Bush and turn the public on him. With the popular vote on our side the Democrats will have no choice but to nominate me and give us more money to spend on the campaign."

BRISCO: "So what do you want us to do to help Mr. MacMahon?"

VINCE: "Well... oh shoot. I left my papers on my desk..."

COLE {super excited} "I'll get em Vince!"

[Cole darts out of the door]

VINCE: Well, while we've got a moment here anybody up for a little entertainment? If ya know what I mean?" {winks}

JR: "Yeah, I could use a little entertainment!"

STEPHANIE: "Me too!"

SHANE: "You sicko!"

STEPHANIE: "Shut up!"

VINCE: "All right then. Would somebody go get..."

[Cole runs back into the room]

COLE: {gasping for breath} "I figured you'd want this while you waited, Mr. McMahon!" [gives Farrooq the leash]

VINCE: {in super excited Vince gravel voice} "BRING ON THE GIMP!!!"

[Farrooq leads in a leather clad figure in a mask that strikes a striking resemblance to Eric Bischoff]

JR: "Where in the hell's Schiavone with the play by play?"

[Tony comes running into the room]

TONY: "Here I am Mr. McMahon, and may I say that this is this has to be the most effective and productive board meeting in WWF history!"

VINCE: "Whatever. Hi Eric!"

BISCHOFF: {sounding muzzled and depressed} "Hi Vince"

VINCE: "Now you remember when you said that my company would be dead in six months. Or how I had lost touch with today's wrestling fan?"

RUSSO: {in annoying New Yawk accent} "Or how you sided with Hulk Hogan when I kicked his sorry as..."

VINCE: {interrupting} "How about that time you challenged me to a match and when I didn't show up on your pay per view you acted like you won and acted all cocky? Or do you remember the time when we dropped out of contention to buy WCW which allowed Mandalay to buy it? Do you?"

BISCHOFF: {still muzzled and depressed} "Yes, Vince."

VINCE: "And do you remember when a week later WE bought Mandalay and fired everyone?"

TONY: "The most embarrassing moment for Eric in the grand history of sports-entertainment, if not his life!!!"

VINCE: "And don't you feel super waking up every day knowing that we've got you under contract for the next five years? And that this is what you get to do only thorough a locker room of former employees you treated like dirt?"

TONY: "The smell of urine on his outfit is unlike any stench ever sniffed!!!"

VINCE: "And since we have a few moments today we felt we'd get a little exercise and get out some of that pent up frustration."

BISCHOFF: {muffled and worried} "Oh no! Please no!"

VINCE: "Farrooq, the bamboo sticks please."

JR: "And let's cover him in my BBQ Sauce!!!"

[Vince and company proceed to whack Bischoff with the bamboo while Tony does commentary]

TONY: "That had to be the most painful thirty seconds I've ever witnessed in my life! I didn't know you could stick bamboo that far up a person!!! And in THAT HOLE!!!"

VINCE: "Thank you, Tony."

JR: "Yeah, thanks b*tch!"

[JR whacks Tony in the back of the head with the bamboo, knocking him out. Farooq drags both Tony and Eric outside of the room while Cole makes his way back in. Gasping for breath]

COLE: "Here's your papers Mr. McMahon!"

VINCE: "Thank you. Now on this sheet of paper I have positions in the campaign for almost all of you. We'll go over the main ones right now and those of you who have lower positions will be informed after the meeting. Stephanie, you'll be my campaign manager. Shane, you're going to be my public spokesperson.

SHANE: "BOO YAAAAHHHH!!!!"

VINCE: "JR, you'll be my Vice President.."

RUSSO: {In an annoyingly angered New Yawk accent} "WHAT! How in the hell could you give that numb faced b*stard the VP slot over ME! I'm the one who destroyed WCW and I'M the one who helped build this company into the numb... uuh..."

[Vince McMahon uses the dark side of the Force to choke out Russo. The more that he struggles the more he can not breathe. He's turning blue when JR makes a plea for sanity]

JR: "For God's sake Vince, stop! You'll break him in half!! The carnage!!! And that's just not good politics t' boot!!!"

[Vince lets Russo go from the mental choke hold. Russo, is dragged out of the room by Farrooq]

VINCE: "Continuing, Patterson and Brisco will head up our polling division, The Fink will be our M.C., and Coach, you get to drive the campaign bus!"

COACH: "You got it!"

VINCE: "And Linda, my loving and trusting wife. You've stood with me through thick and thin. Every triumph we've had together and every tragedy we've endured together. You bore two wonderful children for me and raised them to be the successful adults they are today. I've loved you for so long I can't remember and I'd love for you to be my First Lady."

[Linda begins to cry tears of joy]

VINCE: "Except you have no charisma, no personality, and quite frankly Linda, you've looked a hell of a lot better."

LINDA: {shocked} "What are you saying Vince?"

VINCE: What I'm saying is that we're going to have to replace you with someone younger. Farrooq, would you please?"

[Farrooq drags Linda out of the room kicking and screaming.]

SHANE: "I can't believe it dad!!!"

STEPHANIE: "Me neither!!"

SHANE: " I can't believe it took you so long to see the light and dump mom!?!"

STEPHANIE: "Yeah, how long have we been telling you she was the weak link in the family?"

VINCE: "Yes, I know but the thing that counts is that I finally came to my senses. Everyone, I'd like you to meet my next wife and the next First Lady: Torrie Wilson!"

TORRIE: "Hi...um. Which sense did you finally come to Vince? Smell, hearing, taste, or do you mean, like money cents?"

VINCE: "Don't worry. She won't be talking much."

[At that moment there's a knocking on the door. Farrooq opens it and in walks...]

OWEN HART: "Vince, I'm bored."

VINCE: "Owen! How many times do I have to tell you to stay in the basement or you'll blow the whole angle! "

OWEN: "Gee, Vince. You've been telling me that this angle was going to end for the last three and a half years! And have you told my family that I'm not really dead yet?"

VINCE: "Owen. Have I ever lied to you before? Your family knows and the angle is just about to blow up. It's a great one, even Bret thinks so, but you know how the internet is these days with all of their backstage sources trying to find out what we're going to do next. That's why I need you to stay in the basement. So this angle is executed perfectly. Speaking of the basement, who is keeping an eye on them?"

OWEN: "Ummm.... Big Show!"

VINCE: "You left Big Show in charge of them!!! What if someone sees them? We'll be ruined!!!"

[at that moment the door is ripped off of its hinges. Chyna, Mick Foley, and Shawn Michaels (walking on his hands) enter the board room covered in the Big Show's blood.]

SHAWN MICHAELS: "At last we're free from the dungeon you damned us to when we became an image problem for the WWF! We became FREAKS because of what you had us do and what you did to us!!!"

[The room is in shock and horror as everyone backs into the corner.]

HBK: "Look at Chyna. Once the Ninth Wonder of the World, after another surgery you demanded, her whole face and chest collapsed! Now she has to eat through a tube and she can only communicate through morse code made by clicking noises that come from God knows where! And Mick Foley! I'm sure it seemed like a good idea to have everyone on the roster give him a congratulatory chair shot after his Christmas book debuted at number one but look at him now!!! He constantly sings 'On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me: A Chair shot!!!' Then he cracks himself in the face with a chair!!! And take a look at me!!! 'One more match won't kill you, Shawn'; 'We really need to sell out the Astrodome, Shawn'; 'Don't worry Shawn, Ahmed Johnson has promised to be safe this time around in the fed.' LOOK AT ME!!! I'VE GOT NO LEGS!!!!!"

VINCE: {worried} "Now look Shawn, we put you in the basement for your own good..."

HBK: "OUR OWN GOOD!?!? You lock us up in that dungeon with crappy food and no cable television after all we've done for your company! OUR OWN GOOD!?! Well now it's time for us to do to you what you did to us! While we were in that dungeon we had a lot of time to think with no cable television. And we all agreed that the best thing for us to do would be to kill you because... Um... Mick?

FOLEY: {deranged} "On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me... A CHAIR SHOT!!!! [hits himself with chair again while Chyna clicks out something.]

HBK: That's right! I'VE GOT NO LEGS!!!! ATTACK FREAKS, ATTACK!!!

[Michaels walks on his hands toward everyone while Foley and Chyna just walk]

VINCE: "Farooq! The bamboo!!!"

[Farooq throws all of the bamboo sticks in the air. The ten WWF employees in the room grab the bamboo sticks and throttle the three freaks until they're motionless]

VINCE: {catching his breath} "Owen?"

OWEN: {cautiously} "Yes, Vince?"

VINCE: "You do know what this means don't you?"

OWEN: {scared} "Put on the Blue Blazer outfit."

VINCE: "AND?"

OWEN: {really scared} "Have sex with Mae Young while you watch."

VINCE: "That's right. Now everybody else get working on the campaign!"

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Replies:

[> Re: Not as funny as the first but worthy of reading -- Brad (TPM), 01:12:46 02/08/03 Sat (NoHost/207.144.237.154)

What the hell is the crap? Its kinda funny until the owen hart thing...that would have been funny if he wasnt really dead.


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[> [> Re: Not as funny as the first but worthy of reading -- TJ Raven, 01:37:04 02/08/03 Sat (224.teknett.com/12.28.129.224)

I didn't write it. I just found some humor in it so I posted it


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[> [> [> Re: Not as funny as the first but worthy of reading -- Brad (DA), 08:28:16 02/08/03 Sat (NoHost/204.116.150.16)

i know man...lol


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