| Subject: Feeling Hopeless |
Author:
Brokenwife
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Date Posted: 09:06:41 04/05/06 Wed
I came across this site last week after an Oprah show. I didn't have time to post anything, but as I sit here this morning, I am reading things from Donna and Caringwife that sound like I could have written it myself. I first found some "white powder" in my husbands pocket 10 years ago. He swore he wasn't using, that someone gave it to him as payment for a favor, but he wasn't going to use it (he carried it in his pocket all weekend while we were out of town!) I forgave, forgot, and believed, and went on with our life. I now have 2 kids, and 2 summers ago, on our family vacation out of state, I found Meth in his wallet. It was in a special baggie that was black, I'm assuming so it wouldn't be detected at the airplane terminal. Devistated, I confronted him and he proceeded to destroy our vacation. Mean, nasty, verbal/emotional abuse, just evil. All in front of the kids. When we got home, he swore he would quit because he didn't want to lose his family. Reluctantly, once again, I trusted. Third time, last Mother's Day. Over a course of a few weeks, I found drugs in his wallet,(yes now I was snooping), razor blades, straws, hallowed out ink pens, and $40 withdraws from the bank account every other day or so. He also stole some drugs from a house of someone (known drug user) whom he was helping move, and I caught him. Ultimateum time. He denied he was an addict. Thought it rediculous to go to meetings. I knew nothing about these things. Never used. Naieve. I Knew sometimes that something just wasn't right, but couldn't put my finger on it. I went to Nar-anon, and I researched the drug. So many of the symptoms I saw were all too familiar.
Not sleeping much, not eating, late to work, working late, endless tinkering in the garage, very irritable, violent temper, mood swings, depression, suspicious, loss of interest in life, and so on. He tried to blame me. Too much financial pressure he said, because I only work part-time. He refused drug counseling, but agreed to marriage counseling. That only lasted about 5 visits. He refused a drug test at home after agreeing to it at counseling.
Ever since, I've been in limbo. I haven't found anything since then, but my heart won't let me trust him. He has kept his job, works hard (he's a mechanic), tried to control his temper the past 2 months, and thinks this should be enough to convince me. No, we aren't in financial ruin, but our marriage is in ruins. He's been on the couch since Christmas (his choice). There are days when I'm suspicious because of his look, or behavior. He hides things from me. I never see his pay stubs anymore, he got a raise in January he never mentioned, I found an unpaid parking ticket, never let's me hear his phone converstions. It doesn't seem to bother him that I don't trust him. I feel like I am going crazy. Desperately searching for answers. I don't know what to do. How do you ever trust again? I don't think I can. I still love him, but I've become completely detached emotionally and physically. Can anyone help me?
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