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Viperette needed for Players Wives Dinner Dance -- Tweedie, 14:01:31 04/22/02 Mon

Can I bring a boy to the glittering players wives dinner dance on the 24th?

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Hong Kong Tour? -- Viperette Shez, 04:11:20 01/12/02 Sat

Hello Vipers...hoping that you are having a good season and not missing my cheering too much! Just wanted to let you know that i have sourced a couple of good footie teams who would be keen to play and host you in HK. Not sure whether the Vipers would come this far but it would be a killer of a few days. Hk is not that far all. Gaffer get in touch if you want e-mail addresses.....happy new year and good luck...love Shezxxx

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Sexy Metals Sunglasses? -- Joan, 12:53:30 01/02/02 Wed

Hi! Grab one free??

Happy Holiday!

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> while stock last. Limited offer on first come first serve only.
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Ouch... -- Olly, 15:04:10 11/12/01 Mon

Ouch... Losing to any side hurts, but to lose to Buchanan's select? Nuff gloating - really enjoyed the game - that pitch is amazing, if a little fast. Look forward to reading the match report...

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Viperettes -- Seedy, 14:18:52 11/07/01 Wed

Calling all Viperettes.

Come to the world famous Paddington Recreation Ground to suppport your favourite football team.

GASP at Matty Lloyd's legs
ROAR with delight as Tractor scores a hat trick
SCREAM in pleasure at our powerful shots and forward thrusts

Come on down girls, the price is right.
2 pm kick off against new opponents Alex Buchanan's Scratch

The Paddington Recreation Ground is found just of Grantully Rd in posh North London Maida Vale

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Vipers Lineup for 11 Nov -- Seedy, 14:09:10 11/07/01 Wed

Vipers XI Vs Alex Buchanan's Scratch


Cadbury Tweedie Tremayne Machin

Hanson Steel Wilkins Dauman

Ginola Lloyd


A 2pm kick off at new venue, the Paddington Recreation Ground. For directions please look at Grantully Rd on Streetmap.co.uk

If anyone cannot do this please tell me ASAP on 0207 638 8472, 07884 232 514.

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JOIN NOW -- HURRY UP, 09:01:20 08/07/01 Tue

Fancy your skills as a Manager.
You have been invited to join the Vipers Private Fantasy Football League.
It is free to enter and they do all the work for you.
In order to join the group, just go to http://soccer.fantasysports.yahoo.com/premier ,
If you haven't already - Register for Yahoo
They will send you a confirmation with further details once you have completed the registration process.
Then create a team and choose to Join a Private Group.
When prompted, enter the following information...
Group ID#: 3418
Password: vipersfc
Feel free to invite any interested punters to join. Prizes for winners.

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[> Fantasy Football Update -- Going down with the Hill Wood, 12:31:16 11/06/01 Tue

Three months into the season:

1 Hell City Tigers 995.61
2 I Giallazzurri (Henry Moss) 962.27
3 Toby Hotstars (Toby Skinner) 795.53
4 Fetska's Fighters 784.98
5 Maniace Magic FC (Perugine Hood) 774.28
6 billy ray valentine capricorn (Deedes) 677.16
7 The Gwendolyns 628.76
8 Gaffers XI (Gaffer) 525.17
9 No Blasties 454.29
10 Hawick Balls (Seedy) 432.35
11 Incredible Hulks 426.38
12 Football Widows (Gaffers Wife) 414.24
13 Claytons Classics 332.21
14 Charlie's Angels (Hill Wood) 0.00

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The Joker -- He can make funny speeches at your wedding, 21st etc, 17:15:43 10/04/01 Thu

I've just heard that nobody in Afganistan is allowed to watch TV - apparently there's a telly-ban!

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IP v Vipers (The real match report) -- I. P, 15:12:59 10/03/01 Wed

A mercurial free kick from Baker gave Inter all three points in the first match of the season.
Having been 2-0 down after 20 minutes, the first an unfortunate own goal, the second a rather fortunate strike that appeared to come off the goalscorer's shin and happened to catch Harrap off his line.
Inter's recovery started 10 minutes before half time when the industrious Freeland, attempted to lob the Viper keeper, all he could do was parry it, leaving Gordon with a tap in.
The second half began with Ed Steel entering the fray and his verbal gesticulations caused the game to become a little more heated and contentious than the first half, but it wasn't long before Harry hoffen was put clear and as per usual the finish, a little dink over the keeper, was sublime.
Vipers had little to offer apart from a few long balls that were bread and butter for the defence of Carter, Cowan Sinclair and Reece, Reece making his debut was a tower of strength at the back and was more Marcel Desailly than Carlton Palmer!
The game could easily have been put out of the Viper's range prior to Baker's strike, the most notable being Rupert Hoffen's conversion over an open goal from 4 yards out.
The freekick that led to the winner was as a result of a weaving run from Tremayne, the only way the Vipers could halt his progress was by picking the ball up. A wall was set, the ball was placed, all that was left was for Baker to wave his wand and slot it into the top right hand. Game over.
"Like Man Utd, Inter were outplayed in the first half, but like an experienced boxer they let the Vipers punch themselves out, manoeuvred off the ropes and picked off their opponents at their leisure"

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[> Re: IP v Vipers (The real match report) -- David Elleray, 16:53:50 10/03/01 Wed

Mike Tremayne you are a big homosexual (and a cheat).

Vipers Head to Head:
Played 3 Won 2 Lost 1 For 14 (15 if we apply your rule of 'goals from Cadbury equals 2') Against 9

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Some people are sick -- Sickboy, 14:21:13 10/02/01 Tue

Interesting Photo but it is a hoax.

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BARBARIANS V AUSTRALIA -- 28 November, 08:42:34 10/02/01 Tue

28 November - Millennium Stadium (Cardiff) - 10.00-30.00

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The Viperettes are back on the scene! -- Shez, 08:21:01 09/28/01 Fri

Hey boys
I trust you have had a restful summer and ready to kick in for the season ahead. Shezza was most upset to hear that you had your first match recently and she was not present. Don't worry she'll be on the side lines, with her massage oils, for the match on sunday. She is looking particulary beautiful and sexy at the mo and asks politely that the Vipers don't all pounce on her at once. Good Luck my mighty warriers xxx

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The Viperettes are back on the scene! -- Shez, 08:19:08 09/28/01 Fri

Hey boys
I trust you have had a restful summer and ready to kick in for the season ahead. Shezza was most upset to hear that you had your first match recently and she was not present. Don't worry she'll be on the side lines, with her massage oils, for the match on sunday. She is looking particulary beautiful and sexy at the mo and asks politely that the Vipers don't all pounce on her at one. Good Luck my mighty warriers xxx

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No more cheatin' -- The Ref, 12:40:26 09/24/01 Mon


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SPOT THE GAFFER -- Taken at Anfield (1999), 11:22:58 09/17/01 Mon

Spot the Gaffer

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Good Porn Titles -- Ya Sven, 13:33:11 09/06/01 Thu

Porn movie titles:

Porn on the Fourth of July
How Stella Got her Tube Packed
Men In Back
Operation Condom
Position: Impossible
The Hand That Robs The Cradle
As Big As It Gets
I Know Who You Did Last Summer
Ass Wide Shut
Pulp Friction
Pretty and Twink
Shaving Private Ryan
Children Of The Porn
Forrest Hump
Malcolm XXX
Six Degrees of Penetration
Muffy The Vampire Layer
The bare witch project
Shaving Ryans' Privates
Touched By An Anal
Romancing The Bone
Titanic (no,really)
The Sperminator
Bangin' in the Rain
Sperms of Endearment
Long Dong Silver
King Dong
Riding Miss Daisy
Touched By An Uncle
Bi Golly
Passenger 69
Big Momma's Hose
Free My Willy (with Michael Jackson on the soundtrack, performing
Don't Let Your Son Go Down On Me)
Dawson's Crack
Saturday Night Beaver
Sleeping With The Enema
Good Will Humping
Crocodile Done Me (actually seen in a Simpsons episode)
For Your Thighs Only
Three Men And A Babe
Intercourse With The Vampire
Jurassic Pork
Sleeping Booty
The Loin King
You've Got Male
White Men Can't Hump
What About Boob?
Schindler's Fist
The Joy Suck Club
Inspect Her Gadget
Blast In The Ass
My Big Lebowski
The Hunt For Miss October
Ed's Wood
ET The Extra Testicle
A Jug's Life
The Brady Munch

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Let's make friend -- Rebecca, 13:35:01 08/20/01 Mon


Found this free website recently, If you wanna know more about me, click the following to register:


You can also view my photo here,

Hope to see you there.

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Photos - Free prints. -- Gaffer/ Ofoto, 13:18:14 08/13/01 Mon

Online Photos have moved.
To view the album, click here. You may be asked to sign in or become an Ofoto member. It's easy to join, and your first 15 prints are FREE! As an Ofoto member, you can order prints of the photos that have been shared with you, plus frames, cards and more. Try us out! to

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He can hang -- Wizard, 13:02:15 08/08/01 Wed

Did you know that the Gaffer was a bit of a dude when it came to skateboarding.
If you don't believe me read this article from a skateboarding magazine . Read the 2nd half of the article and look at the lists of the best tricksters.

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Hewitt -- NewYorkSocialDiary.com, 08:00:48 07/16/01 Mon

Albino makes it into the NewYorkSocialDiary.com

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Memorabel moment from Saturday night -- Hooray For Swan, 09:39:28 07/10/01 Tue

Some punter staggered over to the bar in Purple and
vommed on Harry Swan's leg (he was wearing that disgusting Purple blazer).

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Tortoise -- Joke, 13:42:17 06/26/01 Tue

Man meets another man giving a woman a piggy back down the street.
He asks them where they are going. "To a fancy-dress party. I'm a tortoise"
"So what's that woman doing on your back?"
"That's Michelle".

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For Good Lads only -- Jumpers for goalposts, 08:26:39 06/19/01 Tue

7.30pm every Tuesday in South Park (North side of the tennis courts). For Map click here

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Announcement -- VFC, 15:24:56 06/15/01 Fri

Vipers FC would like to congratualte Esmond Seedy on being voted 2000-2001 Player of the Year.

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Woof Woof -- Grr, 15:26:55 06/07/01 Thu

More Puppies arrive for the Dinner

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Postcard from Germany -- Steelo, 10:17:51 06/07/01 Thu

When Liverpool went up,
To lift the UEFA cup,
I was there...

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[> Re: Postcard from Germany -- Jurgen the German, 14:40:44 06/07/01 Thu

If the picture doesn't come up click here

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Barber runs for Election in Battersea -- BBC, 11:05:52 06/06/01 Wed

Live in Battersea:




Standing in Battersea on behalf of the

(ps: we'll make the weather better, too)

There are only 4 people standing in Battersea. The three major parties and me, so if you want to register a protest, you only have one option. Well, other than not voting at all, which is naughty.


To view results click here

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MJ Shines -- Extract from Sunday Times (3/6/01), 12:49:51 06/05/01 Tue

THERE was a time, on Friday afternoon, when the few hardy souls at the Rose Bowl shuffled forward on their bucket seats and braced themselves for a moment of rare excitement. Robin Martin-Jenkins had taken his third wicket in the space of 15 balls, Hampshire were still 38 runs away from avoiding the follow-on with two wickets remaining, and Shaun Udal was readying himself to face the hat-trick ball.

In came the bowler, back came the ball from a comfortable defensive stroke from the batsman, and normal service was resumed with a ninth-wicket partnership between Udal and Alex Morris ...

Martin-Jenkins, 25, is a unique breed in county cricket. It is not uncommon for sons of famous cricketers to struggle in their father's shadow. Martin-Jenkins, son of Christopher, the chief cricket correspondent of The Times and BBC Test Match Special commentator, bears a name that is as recognisable today as that of Ben Hutton or Nick Compton.

Only now, in his sixth season with Sussex, is he starting to find consistency. A championship average of 55 with the bat - boosted, admittedly, by two not outs - and 12 wickets at 27, are reward for consistency. In this match, he ended Sussex's innings with a responsible 56 not out and had by some margin the best figures with the ball, four for 77.

Why the consistency? "It's difficult to pinpoint why," he said. "I had a winter in Cape Town playing club cricket. I didn't score a huge amount of runs there, but somehow batting throughout the year seems to help your mental game.

"I've also been working on recognising what are my strengths and cutting out my weaknesses, trying to get the bowlers to bowl in my area, not following the wide ball. I guess it comes down to maturity."

Facially, RMJ owes much to his father and he has shown more than a passing interest in journalism, writing a column for the Brighton Argus. One early entry had him in hot water when he claimed that a group of monkeys could do a better job at running cricket than the ECB. What was dad's reaction? "He said it probably wasn't the wisest thing to do."

Still, it got people talking. And if he ends the season as he has begun it, people will be talking about CMJ's boy for very different reasons.

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Vipers.tv -- Des Lynam, 15:34:02 05/31/01 Thu

Missing the football season already ?
Watch some goals from last season (incl UEFA final) on:

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VOTE NOW -- Gaffer, 20:14:49 05/20/01 Sun

End of Season Survey

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[> Vipers Duo Snub Club Dinner -- Reuters, 16:02:03 05/25/01 Fri

Recent rumours have been confirmed by Vipers club insiders that strikers Matt Lloyd and Colin Thompson have risked causing offence to club officials by snubbing an invitation to the end of season dinner. This news brought
suggestions of some ill-feeling between the management and Thompson, a player who has not pulled on the Vipers jersey in earnest for 8 months owing to injury, and who is contracted to leave the Vipers to relaunch his career
in a newly formed American league next season. The Vipers player was quick to deny these rumours, "I have no intention of leaving the Vipers with any feelings of bad blood between the club and myself" he pleaded "Vipers were the team I supported as a boy, and I will always be grateful for the
opportunity they gave me to play at this level, I will always consider myself to be a Viper at heart. On any other dates I would have been one of the first to my table, however, I have a delegation flying in from New York
early the next morning and I want to make the right impression".

Lloyd was a unavailable for interview, but it was not thought that his decision to miss the dinner had any sinister overtones regarding his future at the club. Indeed, he has only recently signed a new deal that should keep
him at the club for the next few years.

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Mr Poz -- The College of St Hild & St Bede, 17:27:03 05/14/01 Mon

Emma Porrit met him in Durham. They fell in love and are now happily married.
Meet him now.

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Result -- James Alexander Gordon, 13:21:02 05/01/01 Tue

Result from Battersea (30-4-01)
Inter Punani 7 Real Bollox 2

RB: (4-4-2) Van Cutsen - Henson, Duberly, Armitage, Wilson - McNeile, Lowther,
Steel (V), Hickman - Bonsor, Payne

IP: Harrap - Tremayne (M), Cowen, X, Y - Harper, Skinner, Deedes, Montgomery -
Hoffman (Harry), Richard

* Bollox were in the game at 2-1 midway through the first half.

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Scores on the doors -- James Alexander Gordon, 11:34:23 04/24/01 Tue

Inter Punani (M. Tremayne XI) 8
De Feet (H.Moss XI) 1

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[> Re: Scores on the doors -- HM, 13:00:39 04/24/01 Tue

Before the vultures descend I would like to point out that we had a heavily depleted squad and so I saw this match as an opportunity to reward some of our many staunch supporters with an outing in a Feet shirt.
We will bounce back from this mauling and grow stronger than you could possibly imagine.

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Good Luck Boys. -- PA, 18:17:11 03/22/01 Thu

Come on you

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Re: Good Luck Boys. -- Yeah Yeah -, 11:02:59 03/23/01 Fri




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sing up -- viperettes unite, 15:30:03 03/22/01 Thu

when i was just a lass,
i asked my mother who should i see,
should it be vipers,
should it be feet,
here's what she said to me:

"you filthy little whore,
giving it up galore,
you don't deserve any more,
you're a viper's score."

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Joke -- Gazza, 12:27:15 03/22/01 Thu

The Japanese have banned all animal movements after discovering some nibbled beds in Tokyo.

It has been described as "a suspected outbreak of Futon Mouse".

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De Feet Scare -- Reuters, 08:52:03 03/05/01 Mon

Police have warned of further attacks in the coming weeks after linking the bomb outside the BBC's main news base in London to dissident Viperetes. Deputy Assistant Commissioner Alan Fry, head of Scotland Yard's Anti-Hooligan Branch, said the bomb was an attempt to assassinate Arthurs Feet keeper Jim - The Panther - De Zoete after the player vowed to face the Vipers on March 25th. De Zoete, 25, has played for both clubs in recent times and some Viperetes, who were clearly hoping he would lend his allegiance to the Vipers, decided to take the law into their own hands by planting between 10 and 20 pounds of high explosive exploded in a red taxi (reg D902 GYH) outside the BBC Television Centre where De Zoete works.

Police have warned of a retaliation by fans of De Feet and have put the offices of BT, a company closely linked with the Vipers, on 'high alert'. The Vipers management were said to be shocked by the incident and did their best to distance the club from these extremists. They also added that they would 'review their security measures' in time for the forthcoming match.

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[> de Zoete releases statement -- Reuters, 11:49:34 03/22/01 Thu

A statement has been released by the lawyer of Jim "the Panther" de Zoete follwing the attempt of the extremist Vipers Football Club to scare (if not physically harm) the goalkeeper of opposition club Arthur's Feet through a bombing at his place of work - the BBC. "My client would like to say that he will not be intimidated, manipulated or frightened by the work of a small minority. He feels they have embarassed their club and country and the sacred game of football. He vows to fight on in the face of this intense pressure and will appear in the match scheduled for March 25th. He would also like to add on a more personal note that the Vipers should be ashamed of themselves, are scum and going down on Sunday." Tickets are still available for the match.

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Where to drink after a match -- This is London, 11:42:04 03/09/01 Fri

Where Footballers Drink - a list of their favourite London Hang Outs by Tom Barber (Straggler Scum).

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Grass Snakes-i mean vipers -- Tim Hodgson, 16:00:06 03/09/01 Fri

Come on Grass snakes....who wants it?

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No Surrender -- 007, 10:09:04 03/08/01 Thu

You might remember me. I scored from the half way line once to get you muppets out of jail and didn't even win the goal of season contest! i played against you a year later and scored. the match was memorable for Henderson kicking it off during the match. You cheated and played 10mins added on and our goalkeeper (married to a viperette) deliberately conceeded a goal. well you should recognise me on sunday-i'll be the one scoring the goals. lots of love kiddies.

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Steelo's Site -- Icons.com, 16:51:17 02/20/01 Tue

Ed Steel couldn't be happier at the moment as he told fans on his personal website.
Click here to see Ed's Personal website

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Valentines Message to the Paris Viperetes -- ???, 11:45:30 02/14/01 Wed

Roses are awful
Violets are the pits
Lift up your shirt
And show us your tits

Roses make me laugh
Violets make me titter
You're a dirty bitch
And you love it up the shitter

Roses are red
but I like carnations
you're so crap in bed
that I fucked your alsatian

Roses are crap
Violets are shit
Sit on my face
And wiggle a bit

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The 100 best goals of all time -- John Motson, 09:23:46 02/08/01 Thu

The 100 best goals of all time on the web:

You will need a high speed connection and the ability to view MPEG files (most computers can).

- Somehow they left Bigboot Swans screamer vs SS Southside off the list.

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TWEEDIE IN BRIBE SCANDAL -- Sports.com, 15:17:12 02/02/01 Fri



THE football world reacted with shock today when it appeared that Vipers player Esmond Tweedie was photographed bribing French officials. It has been suggested that Tweedie paid Ff3,000-5,000 to the referee to ensure a Viper victory sending shockwaves so great that Esmond himself could have surfed down the Seine on them

Earlier in the week, upon hearing that he was photographed by undercover reporters, Tweedie was reduced to a depressed wreck, curled up in the foetal position on his hotel bed after sleepless nights, and balefully moaning that he has ruined his life.

Although the photographs weren't conclusive after several tortuous hours, early this morning, the weight of his guilt finally tipped the balance and Tweedie decided to come clean. He sent a nine-page fax to Sven, the team manager, detailing his emotional grief and version of events. "He couldn't handle it any more," Sven told a pack of press "He broke down."

Sven had already accused him of letting down the club, the fans and whole country. Some 100-odd Viperetes have already rung in asking for a refund for their trip to Paris with one asking if the game was one of football or WWF. There were also few banners of protest outside the Vipers Battersea training ground this morning showing the headline: "England's Shame."

In a futher twist, Harry Swan has denied the suggestions of the French police that he blew the whistle on Tweedie saying that it was the photos that forced Esmond to come clean. He did, however, add he was considering his future. "The fun's gone out of the game," said Swan when asked later the reason for his mood. "What's the point any more?"


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[> Re: TWEEDIE IN BRIBE SCANDAL -- Seedy, 13:01:03 02/06/01 Tue

Seedy replies to bribery accusations

"Whilst maintaining that I have never handed over money to corrupt French officials to match fix a Vipers game, my official stance on handling cash is flexible. If a lady (or Viperette) should hand money over to me I would be more than happy to provide services to that individual."

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Famous Victory! -- Alice, 19:06:15 02/01/01 Thu


Gutted to miss the big match in Paris but since I moved out here to manage the VFC International Fan Club office in New York things have been a little crazy and I haven't been able to make full use of the season ticket.

It's all going well though and I have to tell you that sales of replica kit in the USA are up 300% for the season. There was also a noticeable rise in activity following the European victory which was televised out here on Fox Sports World. The one-off Euro away kit shirt has been flying off the racks and I'm sure that the Giants' disappointing showing in the Superbowl has contributed to a rise in the number of affluent New Yorkers cruising Manhattan proudly displaying names like Tweedie, Steel, Swan and Ginola on their backs.

I've also heard encouraging reports from Porritt in the Canadian headquarters (Toronto) so it looks like we'll be presenting some impressive results from the North American sector at the next AGM.

Much love to you all from NYC and if any of you are thinking of taking the wife or girlfriend on a relaxing weekend shopping trip in the Big Apple let me know.

Come on you Vipers!


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Filthy Tweedie. -- poets@dailymirror.com, 13:41:44 12/15/00 Fri

There was a little boy called Tweedie
Whose past times were more than a little seedie
He loved his porn
But was generally furlorn
Because his manhood was more than a little weedie.

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TWEEDIES TWISTED PAST -- News of the World, 13:13:57 11/01/00 Wed

Tweedie Admits Gay Past.
Vipers Megastar Esmond Tweedie broke down in front of reporters yesterday when he spoke of his past life as a closet homosexual. Tweddie, 24, has been under growing pressure this week to come clean about experiences as a student at Durham University when it emerged that photos of Tweddie in a compromising position had fallen into the hands of News of the World reporters.
According to our sources Tweedie had several relationships with men before returning to the straight and narrow. He told close friends that this was a period of experimentation that is firmly behind him.

Most of his university contemporaries had no idea about Tweedie's double life. He was an exceptional sportsman there who chose football ahead of rugby because he was too FORWARD WITH HIS PASSES. As a footballer he proved a formidable wing back who loved PENETRATING THE DEFENCE and when he left he was quickly spotted by the Vipers. The Vipers Chairman, The Big Choc Man, told us that he gave Tweedie his full backing, "Since the days of Justin Fashanu football has moved on and we now live in an open and more tolerant world".

One villager from his home town in Scotland told us that Tweedie had a troubled childhood where as a little boy he ran away from home several times because he didn't like the way he was being REARED. He thought that by coming to London he could put his troubled past behind him and settle down with current girlfriend Alex. When the News of the World phoned Tweedie to ask him about the allegations he told us, "Queers, you have just turned my life upside down."

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[> Re: TWEEDIES TWISTED PAST -- Ed Steel, 10:31:17 11/02/00 Thu

Es, you never kissed me like that. What wrong with me? I fear this could be the end of a beautiful relationship.

Bottoms Up

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ET -- Sunday Sport, 17:02:49 11/01/00 Wed

Tweedie was no where to be seen today as reporters camped outside his plush mock Tudor residence in Shephard's Bush. There were rumours that he had quickly moved to a safe house thought to be in Chelsea whilst others reported seeing him buy an air ticket to New York.
Tweedie's father told us, " I am BENT OVER with embarrasment."

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