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Can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe…
Strike a chord, blow of the hammer, piano, harpsichord, out of tune, wrong note, you've got it wrong. Jerks muzzle away, takes a step back, raises muzzle, lowers muzzle, nostrils flare. A dance. A waltz. A tango an electric slide. Hokey pokey, damnnit. Provocation, overdose, let me die, let me hallucinate, let me crawl back into my drug and die there of overdose. Sanity? Insanity? Bitter words, cold words. Tired, so tired, lieing in a gutter, too tired for sleep, too wired for sleep, drunk on insanity, high on a nicotine patch. She turns.
Her breath is sparse and unnatural in her throat. Images before her eyes, she screams and stumbles. Skinning my knees, twisting my ankle, they laughed and they threw stones and they killed me that day but I’m still here do they know that always here will always be here will get em get em get em they’ll all know I’m here they will they’ll get what they need all of em they’ll know I’m back. Killed me that day died that day but not gone still here and I’m dead and I can fu.cking see them all. I am weary. I have been tired for.. so long. How long, I don't know. I've never been strong, a twig, a slender daemon. A fury, a titan, a goddess. A banshee, wailing her pain. My agony. My defeat. Unconsciously she sways, muzzle snaking, eyes closed and hidden behinds her forelock. No longer voids, hidden black holes, hidden pain, hidden rage, my hidden shame. Reforge me, throw me into the fire, remake me. Remake me!
Live this life you deserve, life this life you've created. I DESERVE NOTHING! This life is nothing. Turmoil, wretched damnnation. Church bells chiming my funeral, my sin, my judgement. HELL! they scream out. PURGATORY! SINNER! WHORE! HARLOT, COQUETTE! They screamed. They demanded verdict, the jury cried out in echo of the bells. GUILTY! And the judge was silent, she was silent, in chains, shackles, death row, green mile. Blinded, my lamp broken, I fall to my knees... to my knees, screaming, I am lost, I am lost, I am lost..
The pain chokes her and she shudders, mouth opening in a silent scream. IRONY! IRONY FROM THE WOODEN CROSS! Nausea rushes over her, her nostrils flare, flare, nothing, no air, gasping for breath. I’m beneath the waves and beneath the ice and the sun’s up there they’re all up there they can see me they’re laughing he’s laughing they’re all laughing I sink the light betrayed me lied to me lied to us all I sink into the sweet, sweet darkness. Come to me darkness! Come to me, you alone have not forsaken me! You alone, you alone, you alone! Come to me, come to me, I am your child disciple lover kin. I AM YOURS FOREVER NOW! Once lithe, once pantheress, once hunter, I sacrifice myself body and soul to you! I can feel it… I can feel it… you’re eating me alive, aren’t you, my dark god, dark prince? I can feel it and I know it’s coming, this is my last chance! I shall not betray you… as they have all forsaken me.
On her knees… drowning in my blood, gasping in my blood, it fills my mouth eyes face and I’m lost in my blood… it stains me, it will stain you all. You will not forget me, you will not forget my tortured countenance and my empty gaze… I shall haunt you, and you will cower before my memory. You turned you eyes once before… you shall not make such a mistake again.
Requiem of a dream, she spirals, a snowflake stained by pollution. Unique. So much chance, destiny uncharted.. incognita, bittersweet cries, a last solace. Forgotten, in the darkness. The riddler. Forgotten. Hated. Ignored, reviled. Empty. Trembling, steps back, tension forgotten in reclusive obsession. Twisted, like my dreams, like my ankle running after Billy in the second grade.. cowering.. cowering.
Frightened, pain rolling in nauseating waves… aching…
A masquerade of memories, a masquerade of chance. Dancing harlequins. Dancing jesters, gently pulling strings, making her dance, their treasured marionette. A child, abandoned by reason and innocence, crawling in the darkness. Shunning the light, the light, the lies, the fallacy, its all a lie... all a lie... there are no truths in the world, no truths. It's all an illusion.
Two foals… two foals in pools of not-their-blood, hot and metallic. I bow to you, providence, I bow to your sadistic fetish, your IRONY! I have failed, this world has failed, it has failed me! This façade, charade, it is nothing but the echo of a forgotten dream! THIS MEANS NOTHING! THIS, and all it’s petty players!
I am wise and you, my children, are my pawns… in my death I am wise with irony, my wit perverse. Stumbling forward, bleeding, battered, she dies. She dies before the moon’s indifferent gaze, she dies, she dies a wounded predator, but not yet, she has too much to say…
"Aldebaran! Aldebaran, I loathe you, YOU ARE NO KIN OF MINE! Yet even as I despise you I love you, I worship you my sweet addiction! My life has always been yours, you pushed me away, you refused to see. My guardian, my spirit guide, my terrorist. My beautiful terrorist… you broke me and you shattered me even as you patched me, my nicotine patch addiction, you alone stole my reality, my one true solace! You forced away insanity and darkness, and still you asked for more… Do not forget me, Aldebaran.. for as long as you live, do not forget that you have destroyed me, when you close your eyes you shall see my empty gaze. Remember me and tremble, for memories are deity, they are Omni-potent and Omni-present. You have forsaken me, my brother, and let this haunt each of your waking moments, let your dreams become festering nightmares. My brother, brother f.ucking mine… brother f.ucking mine…"
Swaying, eyes rolling, collapsing and sneering, breath unnatural, breath sparse, rattling, dry, I CAN’T BREATHE.
“For you must suffer… you will suffer for what you have done to me with your blind cruelty. But I love you, I give you penance, will you take it? Will you be able to forget me with a clear conscience…? Will you shrug off your sins? Choose, you fool, choose! And may I present to you your children… my Scandal, my wretched misery, my gift to this place, and Solecism, my corrupt mistake. Each time you see them, know that they are living in a world where living means nothing… and mourn that you foced them to know such pain. Ah! And the world is not all so bad…”
“…for irony shall never die”
Her face a gruesome mask… perverse, open, revealing. Insanity. I embrace you, we shall meet the darkness together… I’m coming, my shadows, we shall dance once more… we shall dance once more…
You’ve killed me for the last time, brother mine!
We drift into the woods together, lunacy and I.. we waltz into the darkness together, and you didn’t expect that, did you?
I don’t think you’ll follow me… you didn’t follow me last time.
P A N D O R A
a martyr for my addictions
S C A N D A L
nothing is sacred
S O L E C I S M
one day you will ache as I ache
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