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Subject: Is it too late to reply? I had some thoughts . . .

Author:
Elisa

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Date Posted: 15:52:28 05/24/05 Tue
In reply to: Kiersten 's message, "Re: the brother needs some help" on 08:40:06 05/19/05 Thu

Sorry I didn't respond sooner. I just read through Kiersten's revision and had some questions:
- do you have to give a mini life history or can you skip to the stories? I think the best parts of this are the stories as opposed to the short blurbs about elementary school, middle school, etc. I would edit it to highlight the stories and cut out the rest.
- the last line about parenting is nice, but seems out of place. It either needs more added to it or should be deleted.
- the first few sentences of the opening don't have much punch. I think it would be better to cut those and start with the sentence that begins "Most of my first nineteen years were spent in Vernal, Utah . . ." and if you cut out the in between stuff giving the chronological history then you don't need to start at your birth.

I hope that helps. Sorry if my suggestions destroy the artistic essence of the piece; the last three years I've done mostly political/research writing so my preference and personal style has become more straightforward than it was when I was in school.

Elisa

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