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Date Posted: 23:47:22 03/10/03 Mon
Author: Brian Thorn
Subject: Pickup Game

[A small baseball diamond in a rural part of town is occupied by two teams of kids and one adult. The children range from ten to fourteen years old, and the middle aged man supervising them is pitching for each team. Both teams have been set up fairly, each with a somewhat equal amount of big kids and little kids. The man pitches to one of the kids, and the kid smacks the ball over to left field while one of the smaller kids chases the ball down.]

[Outside this fenced in area, the Utlimate Model of Perfection, Brian Thorn, is casually walking. He's thinking, mostly, just trying to figure out what it is that he needs to do to insure his victory and his spot as the Iron Man.]

THORN: The Iron Man PPV will be the greatest show ever held by the UWS. It will crown a new champion, and reveal who really is the UWS Iron Man. These, of course, are excellent reasons to find it on your local listings, however they are not the reason that it will be the greatest show ever presented. That reason, of course, would be myself, Brian Thorn. You see, everybody tunes in to watch the Ultimate Model of Perfection in action. Gabriel Blade, Lee Todd, Sin, all the rest of you losers in the UWS, nobody cares about you. Sure, more people will admit that they believe in what you claim to portray. Lee Todd is a punk, and there are people that like a punk and will admit that Lee Todd is, in fact, a punk. Sin is an idiot, and I really don't have to go any further with that one. Gabriel Blade is some Dudley Doright wannabe, who thinks that even his booger could never falter to the ways of evil and temptation. And, of course, people will strive to be like that for some ungodly reason.

[In the park one of the bigger kids is up to bat. The man tells him that he's going to bring the heat, and pitches a ball that a cow with a baseball bat in his mouth could hit. Surprisingly, the best that the kid can do is pop it up into the air.]

THORN: However, your left with me, Brian Thorn. From the moment they can talk, people are told over and over again that nobody is perfect, and that nobody will ever be perfect. Through your entire lifespan, it is expected from one to never think or believe that he or she is perfect. That is why, when I state the fact that I am people are hesitant to admit it. Why? Because their minds have been brainwashed by their parents and the media to never ever believe that a perfect being could exist. So, when this perfect being does exist, he is shunned to be just as low as the rest of the people around him, even though it isn't true. Sure, everybody will tune in to watch me wrestle, and why wouldn't they? I'm the greatest wrestler, the perfect wrestler; the fans will always be entertained when I'm in the ring. But they can never admit to my perfection, because of their own vanity. Human beings cannot admit that another human, no matter who, is truly better than them.

[During this time is when the ball has been hit and has been flying through the air. One of the kids yells for Thorn to look out, but without even looking Thorn puts his hand behind his back, and a baseball lands in it. All the kids in the park, and even the adult, are staring in awe of the Ultimate Model of Perfection. He throws the ball back to the adult and continues walking. The kid that hit the ball looks at the man on the mound and walks over to him.]

KID: Dad, we should ask him to play.

FATHER: I'm sure he's busy, Darren. Plus he's probably upset that he just had a baseball fly in his direction.

DARREN: Oh, come-on dad. He's got to be awesome if he can catch a ball behind his back without even looking. Plus, I think he's famous.

FATHER: Why do you think that?

DARREN: He was talking into a camera. Anyway, you should at least ask him.

[All the kids have surrounded the pitching mound and agree with Darren that Darren's father should ask "that guy" if he wants to play ball. After enough pestering, the guy begrudgingly starts trotting over to the Ultimate Model of Perfection. He completely ignores the camera and walks right up to Thorn.]

FATHER: Excuse me.

THORN: [turns to face him] Yes?

JOHN: [extends his hand to shake] John Scratton.

[Thorn just looks at John's hand, not really wanting to shake it. After a second John pulls his hand back, but continues asking. All the kids in the park are pressed up against or hanging over the fence, trying to hear what's being said.]

JOHN: Look, this is going to sound a little bit odd, but my son and his friends want to know if you'll play some pickup baseball. It would be even teams if you joined. Obviously we'd be on different teams, and it would really make the kids day.

[Thorn looks back at all the kids, who all have smiles on their faces. He then looks to the man in front of him, who has a very apprehensive look to him. Thorn takes a deep sigh and stands square with the man.]

THORN: Let me get this straight. You're willing to walk up to a complete stranger and ask him to play baseball with sixteen kids, just because it will "make their day."

JOHN: Well, now that you put it like that, I...

THORN: Ah, what the heck. I need to clear my head anyway.

[John seems confused as Thorn walks over to the park and takes his jacket off, leaving him in only his red t-shirt and black pants and shoes. All of the kids crowd him, asking for his name. One of the kids, an older kid named Tim, knows exactly who he is.]

TIM: That's Brian Thorn! He's a wrestler in the UWS. He's no Lee Todd, but he's still really good.

THORN: Hey!

JOHN: Okay, kids, lets start picking teams.

[John lines all the kids up and lets the two oldest kids be the captains. Thorn is the first pick, of course followed by John to make the teams fair. Then the rest of the kids get picked, and within minutes two teams are ready to play. John walks up to Thorn and talks to him quietly.]

JOHN: Remember, these kids are just here to have fun. Now, to make the games fair the whole team is going to rotate from position to position. That way every kid gets to play every position before the game is over.

THORN: Whatever, man.

[Thorn is first up to bat for his team, and John is the first one to pitch. The first pitch is released, and Thorn sends it skyrocketing out of the park. He runs around the bases as a kid hops outside the fence to retrieve the ball.]

JOHN: This could be bad.

["Centerfield" by John Fogerty starts to play as a montage of clips of the Utlimate Model of Perfection pouncing the kis in the pickup game rolls on. Thorn pitches a few times, throwing major league fastballs at twelve year olds. John yells at Thorn when Thorn trows a pitch next to one of the better hitters, almost taking his head off. Then, in the field, Thorn chases down every ball. From the bases to the outfield, and he is always hogging. One clip is Thorn in right field and another kid over in left. A fly ball is hit to left field, and Thorn runs his way right over to catch it and toss the ball back into play.]

[Offensively Thorn hits a homerun every time he's up to bat, until John gives him a few words. Begrudgingly Thorn tries to hit the ball into play for singles or doubles, but a few times he gets an in the park homerun anyway. He steals every base he tries for, even steals home at one point. He's up to bat one last time, because John really wants to end this hell. All of the kids are sick of losing to him, and when Thorn hits the ball to deep right field they all pray for the final homerun of the game. However, the ball actually lands in right field, and one of the kids tries to chase it down. By the time he throws the ball, Thorn is rounding second and doesn't look like he's going to stop at third. One of the kids throws home, Thorn almost halfway there by the time the ball is caught. Will Thorn let up for the kid that's playing as the catcher? No, he's running straight at him. However, out of nowhere, John grabs the kid and pulls him off the plate, allowing Thorn the touchdown.]

THORN: What was that all about?

JOHN: What are you trying to kill these kids or something?

THORN: Hey, I wasn't the one who stuck that little twirp in the catcher position. If he can't play it then don't have him there.

JOHN: You were going to run him over.

THORN: Maybe, but that's part of the game.

JOHN: Not a pickup game!

[The argument goes on for a few minutes, and Thorn kicks some dirt at John. Like an umpire John points for Thorn to leave the field, and he eventually does, "not wanting to play with incompitent poor sports." He puts his jacket back on as he leaves, and addresses the camera.]

THORN: Well, now that the fun's over I guess I should get back to all of my opponents for the Iron Man competition. But the problem with that line of thinking, is that I would have to consider any of my opponents a threat. Being perfect, I know what I can do and what I can't. I know who I can beat, and how I'll beat them. Most importantly, I know that my perfection will allow me to become victorious in this upcoming battle. Now, if you don't mind, not that I care either way, but I've got somewhere I've got to be. See you all in the ring.

[The scene fades to black as the Ultimate Model of Perfection walks away.]

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