What's Wrong With the NBA?? -- NBA BASKETBALL

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Date Posted: 07:18:21 04/26/03 Sat
Author: SMA
Subject: What's Wrong With the NBA??

what's wrong with the NBA??

so it's about half way thru the first round of the NBA playoffs..and i been watchin a hell of a lot of basketball these days. and well, along with the unbelievable talent and superstar performances from the 5 or so guys battling it out for the MVP..i couldn't help but take notes on a few other things..things not so much related to all the talent..but from everything related to inflated west coast egos, players that are more likely going to be drafted to the US POSTAL SERVICE rather than another NBA team, and a lot of really, really bad fashion.. can't ever leave out the bad fashion. sometimes, it's so bad, it's actually really pretty good.. and maybe that's why akhtar tells me i am the melissa/joan rivers of the NBA's red carpet..cause i notice more than who's cleanin up glass, getting the double-doubles every night, and shake & bakin' all over the court these days..yeah, that's right. i notice. i think other people notice it too, but they just don't ever say it. if you watch basketball, then you should really be able to identify with what i am telling you here..ya know- what can i say? i just call it like i see it.

let me start with ESPN and charles barkley. now, i could go on forever about how much i can't stand charles barkley..i'm sure we all could. but i won't. i'll just get straight to the "why charles barkley is so annoying" points.. what i wanna know is: who the hell GAVE him that job on sportscenter? you know those signs that people make at home and then hold up during the games that say "sportscenter is next"..just because they know they will get themselves on TV? well, i think that's what i am going to do. except, on the other side of MY sign, i'll write, "charles barkley, please shut the ^%$! up!" and when the camera gets to me, i'll turn my sign around really quick and tell charlie what time it is.

do you know what i wanna see? i wanna see charles barkley and ron artest go at it. i want ron artest to storm the ESPN set at halftime, when he's all wound up from refusing to take his medication, and really let barkley have it. i want to see him smash the tv cameras over charles barkleys head, instead of throwing them on the ground..make the fine he'd get this time money well-spent. then ron artest would turn to barkley and say, "sorry charlie..i thought I hadda little sumthin-sumthin on tha ennnndd.." you know, just like the drumline commercial. in fact, i bet i could come up with a pool of donors to pay the fine he would get if we could actually get artest to do it. i'd even throw my last hundred bucks in there�i really would. then maybe barkleys bottom lip would finally get so big, he'd open his stupid mouth and swallow his whole head..and we'd never have to hear another word from him..OR read one of his books. by the way mr. barkley, "i could be wrong.. but I DOUBT IT!"

so one thing that i heard some guy on ESPN that really WAS funny was a bit part about the portland trailblazers. he said their locker room was more like a "psycho ward"..and then anoyther guy referred to them as the "jail blazers".. pretty funny. but i have to say..in defese of the psychos in that locker room..they're probably no different than any of the rest of the NBA teams. they just happened to get CAUGHT doing bad things that probably 50% of the rest of the player's do anyway. so don't hate on the jail blazers now. besides, they're a hell of a lot more exciting to watch than tim duncan or allan houston, and i don't care if allan buries a 25 footer every night..i'd much rather see the jail blazers in action on the court. btw..did artest or sprewell ever play for the portland jail blazers??

now I love the knicks. everyone knows that. latrell sprewell is the man..and i've said it before, and i'll say it again..the knicks will make the playoffs with latrell sprewell before he dies if he doesn't get traded first. i don't care if i have to sit there until antonio mc dyess's SON is playing for 10 times the 13 million they paid his father to play for about 13 DAYS..and sprewells braids are bleeping gray..i wanna see sprewell in the playoffs. he knicks kicked A** for not having Mc DYESS!! don chaney was thrown in at the last minute and still pulled off almost making it to the 8th spot in the play offs. i hate knicks fans more than anything else..cause they are only fans when they are winning. i want spree to rush the stands next season and sneak some of those player hatin fools..it pisses me off when people say the knicks suck when they are losing..they expect them to be on top all the time? the only way you're excused from saying the knicks suck is if when you
were being born, you were already screaming crying the knicks sucked, without ever having known it was cool to say they sucked since shaquille o'neal started walking his fat 500 pound a** on water..

you wanna know why i like sprewell so much? cause he got a crunk ass attitude. he don' take no sh*t and he's a veteran. and when his braids are grey, he'll still be crunk as hell, still goin round, choking coaches an shit. the fans talk greazy..then cheer when he wins. sometimes i think latrell should start choking the FANS, not just his coaches..

now, the knicks got game. the just need some more..uh..HEIGHT. also, allan houston was paid too much money..now they have a salary cap, mcdyess is hurt and they can't get anyone else cause they have no money. now allan houston has all the knicks MONEY AND THEIR LOOKS. and for all that money, i'd like to see a little more EMOTION to go along with all those good looks. i've always said that allan houston and tim duncan are the "pete sampras'" of basketball. predictable, talented, RICH, textbook and BORING. i wanna see allan houston get all fired up over something and say "godd*mn it!!" the whole crowd in madison square garden would go silent and allan houston's pastor would would have a heart attack right in the stands.. but at least it would be exciting. that's the kind of thing new yorkers wanna see allen. so get your godd*mned sh*t together already and make some noise!

i don't care what anyone says..the knicks will make the playoffs next year.. and for that 100 million that houston has, he better be shooting buckets from the %$#!ing stands. most of the game plan was around having mcdyess..and chaney was in last minute..he did a good job for what he had to work with. they just extended his contract 2 more years..so when the knicks make the playoffs or better next year..remember, i'm sitting there rocking my sprewell jersey at MSG holding up a sign for the tv cameras that says "I TOLD YOU SO RAFAEL!!"

speaking of rafael..he asked me why i hadn't mentioned kevin garnett in my list of favorites.. well, at the time, i was listing my favorites according to AESTHETICS, not skills.. so, naturally kevin garnett was not on the list. i think even kevin garnett knows he's ugly. kevin garnetts MOM even said he was ugly. that's why he plays so good..he knows he has to make it up in his hot doggin in the paint..as far as kobe bryant goes..just IMAGINE how good he'd be if he was ugly!! he'd put all that extra effort into his game instead of trying to LOOK so smooth while he walks on water.. but i think he almost drowned the other night...did you see KG that night? OMG.. i was so right about kobe..i think he was so worried about his looks, he slept on the timberwolves. kevin garnett must have looked in the mirror at half time and saw how UGLY he really was..and his ma was even in the stands with a sign that said, kev, my baby, you one ugly mutha f*ckka!! so, he once again, knew he had to make it up in his game..

you know- shaquille o'neal is ugly as all too..AND FAT..so what's his excuse for walking on water?

you wanna know what else i wanna see? i wanna see john stockton and karl malone for 30 minutes, one on one, in an old school, falling down YMCA shoot-out. and the bet is that the loser of the game has to finally give it up and retire. they're having their own little geriatric version of shaq & kobe..and doing it pretty damn well, i might add..but i just think it's better to go out when you're still on top of your game, that's all.

what might be even better is to see a game of two on two..stockton & malone on one team, and lebron james and carmelo anthony on the other. lebron might end up acting more like ron artest because he thinks carmelo is stealing some of his spotlight.. and he might get a few million dollars cut off lebron's sneaker contracts, now that he's trading in his degree for the NBA and all the $$ that comes along with it. in my opinion, carmelo's probably doing the right thing. he's a smart kid, got a good head on his shoulders, so it seems. now lebron, he might end up with an injury right off the bat and THEN what the bleep is he gonna do? i think they should have traded places. lebron should stay in school and carmelo should go to the NBA. enough said.

another guy you gotta love is ben wallace. ben wallace is one of the scariest looking things out on the court. ben can foul you with just his hair alone. jason was exactly correct when he said ben wallace looks like he just robbed 3 people on the way to the game. then he comes to the game, breaks the back board down and then slams it over the heads of all the opponents and anyone who piss*s him off in the stands.. that's ben wallace..#3, one scary muther f*cker. yeah ma, scary.

i want ron artest to go up to ben wallace and tell him to his face that he thinks he should have gotten the award for best defensive player of the year. yeah, while he was busy representin, breaking the TV cameras, and threatening everyone, getting kicked out of games. he plays really good defense from the bench, right? the only thing that sees any defense when ron artest is finally sat on the bench is his bank account. i bet you ben wallace would just grab artest and show him his own personal definition of a "flagrant foul".

this is ben wallace when his hair is "under control" :

not too bad..

but now here's big ben..uhhh.. "UN-PLUGGED"..shall we say??

ben wallace..gotta love 'em. (or he might beat the sh*t out of you�)

so i been watching scottie pippen doin all that "coachin" on the sidelines since he can't play cause he's hurt. all i have to say about scottie pippen is that fro he's sportin has GOT to go. you know that commercial where the guy tells the 'yo momma' jokes and he says "your momma so ugly, she robbed a bank with no gun..she just looked over the counter and said, put the money in tha baaaag!" and do you know whose mom they were talking about? yep, scottie pippens mom, that's who.

look at kobe..he finally wised up and got rid of his fro..next thing you know, his sprite commercial is on every 5 minutes and he seems to look even better every time i see it. i'm not sayin scottie pippen will look anything as near as good as kobe byrant if he shaves that friggin fro. i'm just saying he'd look a hell of a lot better..and well, we all know scottie needs all the help he can get.

stay tuned for further "NBA red carpet action." i'm sure charles barkley, ron artest and the portland jail blazer's won't leave us without new material before the play offs are over. besides, we still have to see if someone can get poor scottie pippen to cut off that friggin fro...

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