Re: Say the Words - ch.40 -- The Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman Fan Exchange

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Date Posted: 07:57:55 03/26/03 Wed
Author: dqfan
Subject: Re: Say the Words - ch.40
In reply to: dqfan 's message, "Re: Say the Words - ch.39" on 07:53:38 03/26/03 Wed

CHAPTER FORTY

Peter's off-key humming, however exuberant, was beginning to grate on Charity's nerves.

"Must you keep doing that?" she snapped, while waving her half-eaten stalk of celery at Peter as he set the table for his dinner with Sophie.

"What?" Peter stopped long enough to ask innocently.

"That! That�singing�" Charity used the word lightly. "Peter, dear, the men in your family have never been able to carry a tune."

"Don't you like Sinatra?" Peter asked, wounded to the core.

"Is that what that was?" Charity laughed, giving him a quick peck on the cheek.

Pretending to be irked, Peter snatched the celery from Charity's hand and munched. "Aren't you supposed to be on a date tonight?"

"Any minute now, don't worry�" Charity was well aware that Peter had planned an intimate dinner for two.

"Who is it tonight? Alex or Frank?" Peter asked curiously, placing a tray of Sophie's favorite spring rolls on warm in the oven.

"Frank�" Charity replied with a sigh. "I'm afraid I didn't spend as much time with him at his birthday party as I should have."

"I saw you dancing with Alex�" Peter commented with a smirk.

"And what's wrong with that?" Charity countered defensively.

"Nothing�" Peter answered quickly as he stuck his head into the refrigerator to check the whipped cream. "It's just�"

Emerging, Peter hesitated for a moment, then decided he'd broach the sensitive topic. "Charity, what about Ben?"

"What about him?" Charity despised being placed on the defensive.

Licking a drop of cream from his finger, Peter softened his approach with the truth. "I like him�"

"I like him, too, Peter," Charity smiled, appreciating her godson's concern.

"But perhaps we should concentrate on 'your' personal life for the time being," she added, firmly changing the subject.

Knowing better than to press his aunt further, Peter's eyes twinkled with mirth."Well, if you're waiting for me to say that your plan was a success�"

"Yes?" Nonchalantly, Charity checked her appearance in a small mirror and paused expectantly for her nephew to swallow his pride.

"It was," Peter admitted with a grin.

"And�?" Charity egged him on, basking in her glory as she smoothed her hair one last time.

"What?" Feigning ignorance, Peter jutted his chin boyishly and waited for Charity to name her price - she always did.

"You would like to thank me for once again coming to your rescue and saving the day�" she suggested blithely.

Dutifully, Peter repeated his penance word for word. "I would like to thank you for once again coming to my rescue and saving the day�"

"And�" Charity continued sternly.

"And?" Peter's voice rose in exasperation. Charity was pressing her luck. What else did she want from him?

"You're sorry for what you said about Grandpa Hank and the skunk�" Charity demanded restitution.

"But it's true�" Peter objected vehemently. Grammy Kates had told him the story many times as a child.

"Uppp�uppp..." Charity raised her hand to silence him. She would have none of this blasphemy against the legendary Lawson tracking instincts.

Peter looked at his watch. Sophie would be arriving any minute. Now was not the time to debate historical facts and fiction. Peter raised his eyes upward in resignation. He would have to let Charity win this round.

"I'm sorry for what I said about Grandpa Hank and the skunk�" Peter mumbled under his breath.

"Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?" Cheerfully, Charity attempted to soothe Peter's ego as she grabbed her coat.

"Do you really want to know?" Peter asked with a grimace.

"No�not really," Charity chuckled with satisfaction. Sweetly, she kissed Peter goodnight and headed for the door. "Have a wonderful time tonight, my dear. I won't disturb you for the world."

"Aunt C�?" Peter called her back for a moment, his heart filled with love and appreciation.

"Yes, dear?" She was halfway out the door but Charity stopped immediately at the sound of Peter's voice.

"Thanks�" This time, Peter truly meant it.

Charity beamed with a mother's love, "You're quite welcome�"

^^^^^^^^

Peter slammed the tray on the counter. The spring rolls were hard as rocks. Sophie was over two hours late - no phone calls, no explanation, no nothing.

Just when he'd thought they were back on track, now this�

Peter didn't know whether to be angry or worried. A thousand different emotions were racing through his head when, suddenly, he heard a faint knock at the front door. Frantically, he rushed to answer it.

Her back was turned to him as he flung the door wide. She'd needed a few more seconds to compose herself. Sophie had resolved not to let the afternoon's shocking turn of events ruin her evening with Peter. Her startling discovery of the identity of her mother's long-past lover had prompted an unexpected, yet cleansing, crying jag, which was now, thankfully, over.

Or so she thought...

"The past is the past," Sophie had reminded herself repeatedly as she walked back to Annie's to change into the first dress she could find. That was the first rule of counseling - look forward not backwards.

Sophie wasn't sure where she'd been looking lately but it certainly wasn't at her watch! She had lost track of the time and was now terribly late; but, she wouldn't cancel on Peter, she wouldn't do that to him.

She took a deep breath as she swirled to greet him, hoping her bright smile didn't look as phony as it felt. She could do this. She could put the past behind her. She could pretend that, once again, she hadn't had cause to doubt whether any relationship was made to last - friendship or marriage.

Oh, how she needed Peter's reassurance tonight - needed to look into his eyes! Sophie felt confident that just the sight of Peter's face would cheer her�that just the sound of his voice would make her feel safe and loved.

But Peter's voice was anything but loving�

"Sophie!" he admonished sternly. "Where have you been!"

"I'm sorry�" she apologized swiftly.

"I've been running late all day," she fibbed lightly, brushing past him toward the candlelit table.

Delicately, she fingered the flowers, keeping her back toward him. Perhaps looking into Peter's eyes hadn't been such a good idea, after all. There was too much confusion and anger in them. Her own emotions were still too raw.

Immediately, Sophie questioned whether she should have come.

"Why didn't you call me," Peter demanded. "I was worried about you!"

Unwittingly, Peter's insistence only served to push her further over the edge.

"Sophie�!" Frustrated by her lack of response, Peter placed his hands on her shoulders and spun her around swiftly to face him.

Peter inhaled sharply, seeing Sophie's tears begin to well. Why hadn't he noticed when she first arrived? Though she'd tried to hide it with makeup, Sophie's eyes were plainly red and puffy. Obviously, she'd been crying before. Her light-hearted masquerade had vanished completely; and, in its place was a heartbreaking portrait of pain and disappointment.

Instantly, Peter's criticism melted. "Sophie, Honey�what happened?" he asked softly.

"Tell me, please," he begged in a whisper, reaching out to touch her.

Sophie's voice cracked slightly and she shook her head as she attempted to speak. "Please, Peter�please don't ask me�not now�"

"Okay�" Immediately, Peter pulled back his hand and nodded, agreeing to Sophie's request.

"What can I do?" he pleaded, like a lost little boy. "Sweetheart, I just wanna help. Please, let me help you�"

For a moment, Sophie didn't answer. Then, as she gazed deeply into his eyes, she knew why she'd come�knew the one thing she needed most of all.

"Hold me�" she asked quietly, not sure what she'd do if he refused. "Please, Peter, just hold me�"

^^^^^^^^^

Peter had done exactly as Sophie asked. There would be no intimate dinner�and no questions, either. Protectively, he led her toward the sofa - safer territory than the bedroom. There, Sophie tucked her legs beside her and nestled silently within his strong arms.

The quiet, reassuring, feel of Peter's heart beating beneath the palm of her hand was all the security she craved. Slowly, Sophie's breathing steadied and Peter felt her muscles relax as well. Carefully, he reached for the blanket behind him and covered them both within its folds.

Whatever had happened to Sophie today, this time she had chosen to run "to" him, and not "from" him; and, for that, Peter was so incredibly grateful. As for the rest�well, it could all wait until later.

So, they fell asleep like that - safely in each other's arms. And that was just how Michaela and Sully found them, later that evening�

"Sully," Michaela ventured lightly, "would you mind if this time�?"

Michaela didn't even need to finish her sentence. As always, Sully could read her thoughts as easily as his own.

Pensively, Sully observed the now peaceful pair. "Might help�" he agreed with a nod.

"I only wish�" Michaela's expression was filled with remorse.

"Oh Sully," she sighed forlornly. "I just can't bear to watch this happen all over again."

"Remindin' ya of�" Gently, Sully encouraged Michaela to express her feelings.

Even after all this time, Sully was the only one who truly knew the depth of her emotions - emotions she spent a lifetime learning to keep bottled up inside.

"Ingrid�yes," Michaela whispered sadly.

"Oh, Sully, it's as if it were yesterday," Michaela began pouring out her grief as Sully listened thoughtfully.

"Beautiful�blonde�vibrant�motherless�" Effortlessly, Michaela listed the striking similarities.

Then, with a slight smile she added, "and both hopelessly in love with my sons�"

"I'd give the world to spare him," she admitted freely.

"You wanna talk to him?" Sully asked even though he knew the answer.

"You don't mind?" she responded with a beguiling lilt in her voice.

"Well, I was gettin' used t'our man-ta-man chats�" Sully pretended to be disappointed.

"Sophie and I didn't exactly get off t'a smooth start," he grimaced.

"Well, maybe now's your time to change that," Michaela suggested coyly, caressing Sully's shoulder supportively.

"Think so?" he smiled, lifting her chin playfully with his index finger.

"Think so�" she repeated lovingly as she stared into his clear blue eyes.

"Good luck," Michaela added hopefully as she yielded to her husband's leisurely, parting kiss.

Sully let his lips linger on Michaela's for a moment, enjoying their soft fullness.

"You, too�" he winked, after breaking away reluctantly.

Unfortunately, it would be daylight all too soon�

^^^^^^^^^^^^

"Peter�Peter�" Michaela nudged her grandson awake slowly.

Startled, Peter thought Sophie had called to him. "Soph!"

"She's fine�see�don't get up�" Michaela reassured him, pointing to Sophie, still asleep in his arms.

Confused, Peter rubbed his eyes and tried to focus. "Michaela," he recognized her immediately. "I haven't seen you since�"

"The homestead�yes, I know�" she interrupted him. "I'm pleased to see you and Sully have been getting along so well."

"He's easy to talk to," Peter said with a stifled yawn.

Then, fearing he'd insulted her, Peter added quickly, "not that you're not or anything�"

Michaela stopped him with a delightful laugh. "No, no, it's quite all right. It's one of the qualities I love most about him, actually."

"So, why'd you come back?" Peter wondered, intrigued.

"I suppose just to tell you how much I love you," Michaela smiled shyly.

"And, perhaps to make sure you know how much Sophie loves you - how much she proved that tonight�" Michaela added quizzically.

"You mean because she didn't run?" Peter guessed incorrectly.

"Not exactly, no." Fondly, Michaela tilted her head, and gazed upon Peter and Sophie, wrapped in each other's arms. She wanted to remember them just that way.

"I was referring to Sophie's words, not her actions," she clarified.

Unsuccessfully, Peter struggled to remember Sophie's words earlier that evening. Everything had happened so fast that the only thing he really could remember was that Sophie hadn't wanted to talk much at all�

"Her words?" he questioned, confused.

"I said the same words to Sully once - a long time ago," Michaela began to recall, "and our love only grew stronger from then on."

Spellbound, Peter listened to his grandmother's private memories�

"Sophie and I are quite alike, you know," Michaela gestured, observing Sophie in restful slumber.

Wisely, Peter chose not to report that he and Sully had already come to that exact conclusion some time ago.

"I suppose, when you've lived your life alone, especially as a woman alone, it's very convenient to convince yourself that you're invincible, that you can handle anything - charging army or parachute drop," Michaela explained with a smile.

"But sometimes�something happens�and you realize that you just can't," she winced knowingly.

"Sophie's not invincible, Peter - as much as she'd like to think she is," Michaela warned as vaguely as possible. "Neither was I�"

"What happened to you?" Peter blurted, then wondered if he'd asked too much.

Michaela didn't hesitate. "I was kidnapped by dog soldiers," she stated so matter-of-factly Peter blinked in surprise.

"They struck me�they threatened to kill me�they dragged me barefoot over jagged rocks for days�they tried to rape me�" Michaela relived her worst nightmare, all for Peter's benefit.

"My relationship with Sully had had some�setbacks," Subtlly, Michaela chose to leave her explanation at that; but, correctly, Peter assumed she was referring to Sully's slight lapse in fidelity, before they were married.

"But the entire time I was held captive," Michaela recalled vividly, "throughout that entire, horrifying ordeal�all I could think of was Sully."

"I knew if I could just feel his arms around me, I'd be invincible again," Michaela confessed with all her heart. "I realized that our love - together - was stronger than anything I could ever feel or be on my own�."

"Suddenly, I allowed myself to be truly vulnerable," she revealed quietly. "And, from that moment on, I was never alone any more."

Peter's eyes brimmed with tears as he imagined Sophie feeling the same.

"And that's why�" Michaela continued making her point with unwavering eloquence.

"When Sully found me�" she described in hindsight. "The first thing I asked him� The 'only' thing I wanted or needed, really - more than food or water, bandages or shelter - was for him to 'just hold me�'"

"When the woman you love asks you that, Peter," Michaela brushed his face softly with her fingertips. "She's given you her heart and soul completely."

Peter couldn't hold back his tears any longer and they ran unchecked down his cheeks. Subconsciously, he drew Sophie even more tightly to him and she snuggled warmly against his chest.

He would hold her forever.

"Thank you�" he choked gratefully to Michaela.

"Remember this moment, Peter," she advised in parting. "Always remember just how much Sophie loved you�"

Exhausted, Peter's eyes drooped for a second and Michaela was gone.

With his head resting atop Sophie's and his lips pressed against her forehead, Peter fell back to sleep remembering Michaela's words.

Unfortunately, he was too exhausted to notice that Michaela had used the past tense...

^^^^^^^^^^^

"Been a rough day, huh?" Gallantly, Sully offered Sophie a hand and helped her sit up straight on the sofa.

"You have no idea�" Sophie groaned, feeling her head about to break in two.

"Think maybe I do," Sully replied with a sincere, sympathetic look.

"Really?" Sophie was surprised at Sully's empathy. In the past, they had not always seen eye to eye.

"It's hard t'git over losin' a Ma," Sully chose his words carefully.

"My mother's been dead almost three years, Sully," Sophie snapped impatiently, hating to dredge up her hurt yet again.

"But you've been missin' her all yer life, haven't ya?" he delved pointedly.

Sophie placed her head wearily in her hands. She was far too tired to argue and the truth seemed to flow easily from her lips.

"I s'pose so," she sighed honestly.

"It's just�every time I think I'm over it, something happens and I remember all over again. I miss her all over again. I hurt all over again�" Sophie couldn't believe she was sharing all this with Sully.

"Ya ain't ever gonna be over it, Sophie, I know." Understandingly, Sully placed his comforting hand atop hers.

"How do you know?" she demanded suspiciously.

"Cause my Ma drowned herself when I was ten." Sully looked deeply into Sophie's eyes and hoped she would appreciate his candor.

Sophie was taken aback and, instantly, her attitude softened. "I'm�so sorry�I�didn't know�" she flustered.

"There wasn't a day after that, that felt like the day before," Sully said quietly. "Everything changed�"

Sophie thought of the day she and her father had walked in on Maureen and Charles. Sully was right. There wasn't a day after that, that was the same. Everything was different� She was different.

"You do understand�" Sophie whispered in amazement.

"I lost a lot of people in my life, Sophie," Sully stood, roaming the living room as he spoke, examining many of Peter's Native American artifacts.

"My Pa went first�then my brother. My Ma�my wife, Abagail�my daughter, Hannah, and the little one Michaela and I never knew," Sully finished sadly.

Sophie lowered her head in shame. She'd forgotten how difficult life had been in the 1800's�how fragile. One human being could be expected to face countless tragedies in his or her short, ordinary, lifespan. Was it any wonder that some, like Sully's mother, chose to escape any way they could?

"Spirits always got a reason, I reckon'�" Sully said softly. "But, my Ma was different�She made a choice to leave me�"

Sophie understood immediately. Maureen had made a choice, too. One that Sophie had never fully made peace with.

"I needed her so much�" In his mind, Sully saw himself as a boy of ten: confused and hurt, alone and angry - desperate to leave New York and all its painful memories behind him.

"I put as many miles as I could between me an' the Hudson River but, even now, sometimes, when I'm out trackin, I'll come across a brook or a stream, and I'll stop beside it. Find myself wonderin' what she was thinkin'�how it musta felt�" Sully had rarely expressed his pain so openly but, in Sophie, he saw a little piece of himself. He saw the torment of a mother's loss.

"But, ya can't live in the past, Sophie," Sully cautioned. "There's always gonna be times we'll remember - that we'll see ourselves as we were then - lost and lonely."

"Those're the times we gotta reach out. Hold on t'the joy we got�t'the ones we love�" he advised wisely.

"Peter loves you, Sophie," Sully smiled.

"I think he loves you almost as much as I love Michaela�" Sully's smile grew wider at the thought and Sophie found it contagious.

"But, how do I explain? How do I tell him?" Sully could see the struggle on Sophie's face as she sought the words to justify her behavior.

"Ya don't have to," he coaxed her gently. "That's the best thing about lovin' someone."

"But, he'll be there t'listen when yer ready," Sully added knowingly. "Michaela was� Always has been�"

Sophie relaxed noticeably and sighed - a deep, rejuvenating sigh. Suddenly, the gaping wound of her mother's loss was filled with the warmth and tenderness of Peter's constant love.

"Thank you�" she breathed in relief to Sully. The words seemed so inadequate for the patience and caring he had shown her tonight.

"No need t'thank me," Sully lowered his head slightly, embarrassed by Sophie's gratitude. "We're family�"

Turning to leave, Sully took one last glance at Sophie, curled contentedly now within Peter's dreamy embrace.

"Sophie�" he called to her impulsively.

Immediately, Sophie looked up. "Yes?" she asked curiously.

"Nothin'� just�" Sully started to say something and then changed his mind. Years of wisdom had taught him that the Spirits held the final say in life. The future was not his to control. It was time for him to go.

"Take care of yourself," he smiled affectionately at her, "and my boy there."

Sophie snuggled even closer to Peter and returned Sully's loving smile. "Oh, I will�" she vowed assuredly.

Sully chuckled at Sophie's pledge and shook his head with a nervous, hesitant grin.

He truly hoped she would�

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