| Subject: 12-3-1985 is now 12-3-2002 |
Author:
Ian Line
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Date Posted: 01:23:54 12/03/02 Tue
17 is my age on this day. Im happy about my birthday, but sadness comes over me like a dark stormy cloud. Fear falling like hail into my chest. Anger that makes my blood run to my head and boil out in action hat can not be contained. Anger so strong I almost want to say I hate. Whom is it that I hate? Whom is it that makes me angry? Whom is it who gave me this new fear? Whom is it who gave me this sadness?
I want to celebrate my birthday, but something will be missing. The one who birthed me, is not hear celebrating with me. It's not only my birthday. It's her birthday as well.
Sadness, no long with me the one I run to. Fear, no true safe place to run to. Anger, why didn't you save her? Hate, only one could have fully saved her. Selfish I am, due to the love that I want to keep. Regret, for that last time she was home. An arguement that should not have happened. Peace, be with her down to the last second. To die in my arms, crying to God. Jealous, someone else has her now. Jealous, why didn't she wake for me but she wakes for certain others? Called out to Chris, and then to the boys, but not to me. Called out to my friends, but not me. I miss my mom.
Ask God to give me dreams of her. To see and hear her again. No, not once. Request denied. Why? What have I done for all of this... outcasting...? ignorance...? what ever it is.
Happy Birthday Ian. What do you want for your birthday Ian? A lot of things that aren't possible. Presents try to = happiness. No.
I feel like im a star in a show, like the Tureman Show. This is no way to treat one. For Gods entertainment. Some people are action movies, others are soaps, some are "R" rated, others are a love story. This... this is the experiment. Combination of this and that. To see what the out come of it might have. An equasion that can be change by the slightest fraction of an action.
Questions. Can they be answered? Will they be answered? Willing to answer? Faith. Faith like a storm cloud in a desert. High and whispy, will it rain on you? It may disappear in the big sky. It may stick around and pour replenishment unto the desert. Wind pushing the cloud around. -Madness will come of thoughs who can't stand on their own feet from lifes' wind. They will seek violence towards to ones who are brought by lifes' wind. They will destroy them self in their anger for the disabilities from the wind. The wind will come in gusts as a hurricane and will be calm and gentle, but will never cease to blow.- Life is ever changing and ever going. The life brings in clouds and takes away clouds. Wind destroys mountains and blows water around the ocean. Wind controls the feeling of the warm or cold day. Wind effects us in ways we don't normally think of. Life is like the wind.
Standing strong against the wind? Resistance is shown in the effect of wind. Climb like a kite, fall like rain. Go so high you are lost, fall and splat.
Clay hardens when left out. Softens when wet. Permanently hardend when fired, strong but can shater and never be put together.
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