| Subject: 3-13-2003 |
Author:
Ian Line
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Date Posted: 01:39:14 03/13/03 Thu
Anger and confusion has been on my mind.
Anger.
Anger at myself for having a hard time waking up, altough I stay up really late. I feel bad because Mrs. Galambus' weekdays revolve around mine. And most the time I show up and hour or two late to her house to do my school. Then my day of doing school is hard a freaking hell. I can't focus, I can't remember, I can't do my math as good as normal. I'm getting decent grades still but it feels like so much because it's so hard.
Confusion.
I'm confused during my days. Am I really awake, is this person really there. Confused on what people are saying. So I just nod my head and say something like "yeah", "that's cool" or "that sucks." Other times I'm talking with people and my eyes cross or their face blurs out and I feel bad because my eyes look like I'm not really listening. But I am, but at the same time I'm not really because I'm thinking about getting my eyes to look like I am listening. Then I forget protions of what they said. Another thing that is confusing me is this damn girl. ~damn girls~ Karen Mentzer. She's a funny one, she is very shy. But stupid boy is confused at this simple science. Even when writing this I still am confused. She's cute but... ~damn girls~ confuse me. All girls suck because they are confusing and play with your mind. But girls are good and fun to hang out with. Play video games, yeah that's fun.
I can't wait till spring. I've been wanting to go to the park for so long. I was looking at kites the other day. It reminded me of going to the park. It also reminded me of this one time I took my giant 4 foot glider kite and my heave duty fishing rod and real with 20 pound line on it. I put the kite on the end of the line and flew it so high you could barly see it. The real had about 700 feet on it I think, might be more because it is a huge real. We got scared this one time when a helicopter flew right by our kite line. We thought the helicopter might crash or something. Because the line was so tight the wind was howling threw it and sometimes it would drag us and almost pick us up.
With my new knowledge of weather and stuff. I think it was high enough to be in a local wind stream or catching the bottom of a world wide jet stream. It was fun to try to bring it back down, until the wood in the kite broke. The middle dole that holds it out flat broke. One of the longer doles broke, The one that makes the triangular shape from front point to back wide end Like this ^.
I like electronic music. It makes me come alive and think of cool things. I come up with a lot of stories. I wish I could record my thoughts so i can show other people with the accuracy when I created them in my head.
I want to keep writing "Journey" it's fun. I wonder how it's going to turn out. That's a fun peice to write. I think my friends should write something like how I'm doing this story. I'm writing it as it comes. No actual thought or idea of what I want it to be. Just what comes to mind at the moment of writing.
I like cooking food. I wish my friends would all get together and invite people over for dinner or something. And we each have a turn to cook each other wonderful foods of different kinds. The art of cooking is a great thing to learn. Mmmmmm I love food!!!
Thanksgiving day is the greatest! My moms green bean casoral! Mash potatoes and thick and chunky brown gravy. Home made stuffing with brown grave burrying it. Spiral honey ham steaming with moisture! Ooohhh I can't wait till the next thanksgiving day dinner! That's my gluten day.
Cinematic Orchestra does some sweet tunes. Nice smooth jazzy feeling to it. Deep bass lines with light saxaphone. damn right it's some good stuff. Smooth drums in the background, tappity tap on the clasher thing-a-ma-bobs.
I ahve had some crazy dreams. This last one was me in almost every setting a normal person could think of. In each setting I had the blanket I really fell asleep with. My moms old mexican small blanket. The most disturbing part of my dream was me in a black suit in some righ persons house or appartment in a tall building packed closly with other buildings with red brick on their sides. This apartment was a rich mans fancy, with golden trim rugs and fancy art deco walls and crazy expensive art work on the walls. And the bathroom was a fancy bathroom with crazy tile and a funny toilet and a fancy stand alone sink with a miror so clear it looked like an exact copy of yourself. No shape distortion or anything. The disturbing part of this dream was I was in this guys appartment alone and there was porno magazines on his dining room table. I took one and went to the bathroom. I went poop, a lot of poop came out. I don't remember seeing any pictures I just remember that the magazine was appealing to me. I started to to toss to dice around, you know what I mean. And this guy comes home with a hot chick. The mexican blank all the sudden is around my back and then I get stuff on it and I'm like damnit what the hell. And this guy comes to use his bathroom. I'm think and running around his huge bathroom, who is this guy and what do I do. And the whole time it was like the mexican blanket was getting in my way. It was hanging on me all funny and was un comfortble. This dream was very weird. It freaked me out. You ever feel like bad about having a sinful dream. I felt weird.
I sometimes feel like giving up. Stop being Christian an just do what ever. But then I think of how bad it is going to be when I run back to God saying that I'm a stupid idiot what did I do I suck. Then feel even worst than what I do now. I feel like I'm a dangerous person at this moment and time in my life. The slightest of something seems to be changing my paradigm. But I always run back to my God paradigm.
Donnie Darko was a great movie. So much hiden value in that movie. I think of the movie Fight Club different from everyone else. In the way of how he had his imaginary friend take over without knowing. What if that's the way it is with me. But why would I be telling myself this?
What if...
What if the whole purpose for us is for one mans dream. We are made for this one mans dream. He may focus on his own life and the life a select few. And our job is to affect thoughs select few to make them who they are. This giant universe and all of these people with their own thoughts and things going one. From the huge things down to the very minute things such as weather or not I like olives. This very detail affects you in a small way that changes a thought in your head subconsiously and that becomes slightly bigger and does something to someone else and moves itself up the line to a powerful person to destroy or not destroy a country. What if, if not that would make a good story.
What if this wolrd and universe we live in is like "The Trueman Show" for a whole nothing world. They created it as a thing of entertainment for themselves. We are nothing but a thing of entertainment for a world or worlds in a whole nother "place" or what ever wtih technology to create something of God.
To create something of God isn't that hard. All you need is a male and a female to have sex and they have just created something of God. A child.
I miss that bug that sat on my computer desk adn looked at me for long periods of time.
The movie Vanilla Sky is pretty good. That'd be crazy to do that freezing life dream thing. What a messed up dream to have. Hurt so bad you dream the details of the one you love. Twisted because of those ~damn girls~.
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