Re: Streamers -- Unicorn

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Date Posted: 13:29:47 07/10/04 Sat
Author: AAAAGGGSSS
Author Host/IP: AC8B5C6F.ipt.aol.com / 172.139.92.111
Subject: Re: Streamers
In reply to: Rafa�l 's message, "Streamers" on 14:18:03 06/09/04 Wed

Hey Rapho !

"I don't know, I liked it" smile, hehe, althaough you got to admit muchof it is trite, :)

And what do I mean by that, havig read poetry only for five years now, LOL

I suppose when you get good at writig poetry, thre are two things one much constantly be aware of, number one, the talent doesn't compete for the 'message', and two, we don't sit back, so amused, and allow trite to enter when we are of somewhere else daydreaming, amen brother ?

Ok, so what's trite,

this is trite:

Are there still any words to share? A thought of
distain to inflict some more pain,

--- its going along great, great choice of words etc, great tender feelings, and wham

"some more pain, "

are you kidding me, smiles

stands out like the Jolly Green Giant, gee I could have helped you with that line when I was in fourth (4) grade, no affense, just wish you to see my point.

and this

A stain on your floor, where I gave "you some more"

how about this -

where this child used to play as, "used to" ??

"where as a child I played" is gigantically better

As I slip into ways� "slip into ways"? weak
even "as my ways" is better

just in the rare mood to tell you like I saw it, Al

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Replies:

Re: Streamers -- Rafa�l, 12:37:56 07/11/04 Sun
- Re: Streamers -- AAAAGGGSSS, 15:54:52 07/11/04 Sun